REST FOREVER WITH PETE CARROLL
Scott Wolf proposes the revolutionary idea of the team-themed cemetery for USC, which is of course based on a real German idea about a Hamburg-HSV-themed cemetery for diehard soccer fans, which is “of-course” worthy since in all matters thanatological the Germans are at the forefront, both in terms of inventing new ways for people to die and in ways of making death a vital nutrient in you daily diet of experience. (They invented mustard gas and DeathTV. QEDMF.)
USC doesn’t seem to be the most promising market, though. Death in L.A. just lets everyone down, because it’s so selfish of you to leave like that, and because you’ll get all old and wrinkled and boring like dead people always are. (You will be, however, very, very thin. Jealous!)
We instead offer alternatives business proposals fresh off the drawing table at EDSBS Capital Development, free of charge because we’ve just got too many ideas to turn them all into spun gold sweatervests, you know.
Tennessee: Tasteful, extra-large vaults overlooking the Tennessee River on 12 acres of verdant prime real estate. Amenities will include Erik Ainge “blessing” your headstone by attempting to hit it, and then missing completely and throwing to a waiting groundskeeper for a crippling INT. Discounts for all plots crapped on by Smokey during visits. Visits by boat only, of course. No Catholics, and no same-sex couples in the “Reggie White Section.” Double-wide plots and orange and white checkerboard sod available for extra fees.
Ohio State: Located within a punt’s distance of the ‘Shoe, Buckeye Timbers promises that when you’re a cloud of dust three yards deep, your stay here will be just like a Buckeye scoring drive: dignified, slow, and as long as eternity itself. Ranked number two in the nation for thre years running, Buckeye Timbers’ special features include vault supports that are the exact thickness of Eddie George’s thighs, audio tribute boxes that answer “I-O” when you cheer “O-H” at them on selected headstones, and the centerpiece of the installation, our signature fountain “Eternal Victory,” featuring a cherubic Woody Hayes urinating on the face of a drowning Bo Schmebechler forever.
Notice: Pepper spray is applied to the ground twice daily, and only during visiting hours.
Washington: Husky Meadows, where you can be as serenely dead as the Huskies football program itself! Long list of features pending, but nothing developed as of yet. We blame former management for the inconvenience.
Oklahoma State: Assuredly already in the works, and thus beyond parody. We expect wind-powered fountains and the option to buried in piles of pure, unmarked bills. Headstones should predictably include epitaphs like “Here lies T. Boone Pickens HE WAS A MAN; HE WAS EIGHTY-NINE.”
Florida. Serene live oaks and waving Spanish Moss welcome you to Gator Arbors, where you will be guaranteed the loudest eternal rest of your lives. A constant temperature of 97 degrees is maintained through the use of 935 individual heat lamps to simulate the actual conditions within the Swamp, and to be sure you’ll be completely at home, at state of the art stereo system blasts crowd noise at 100 decibels at all times. Special features include the Text Tribute feature, where you may send Urban Meyer-esque messages to your loved ones from beyond the grave. (”MSSING U VALHLLA IZ TEH SHIT!”)
Leave your own suggestions for our capital development committee below.
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scalz1 says:
Here in lovely Luau Gardens, the Hawaii faithful will be buried over top of red hot coals for 3 days. Then, your delicious Kahlua favored corpse will be dug up and placed on a huge platter with complimentary poi. Your remains will then be placed on the west side of the Pali mountains, providing the best view of Aloha Stadium. During your interment, an honor guard of Samoans will chant a haka while lovely hulu girls wave you into your Sandwich Isles heaven. You don’t have to worry about anyone bothering your eternal slumber by paying their respects, because no one respects the WAC.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
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The Song of Hiawatha Francisco says:
Four Horseman Mortuary, one of the last independent mortuaries in the country, is proud to offer funeral services fitting the discriminating tastes of the Notre Dame graduate. We at Four Horseman Mortuary are committed to bringing the Notre Dame alumnus the finest in post-mortem accommodations, and it does not get finer than our Rockne Package. The Rockne Package offers burial on the uppermost slopes of Mt. Everest, so you may continue looking down on everyone else even in death. And you’ll be in good company. Our cemetery is home to some of the world’s most famous and successful corpses, of which we’ll constantly remind you even though most of them died decades ago. Sure, your friends and relatives might be clamoring for you to join them at their cemeteries, which you constantly visit, but fuck them. Tradition is tradition.
Despite the fervent hoping of your loved ones every fall, we cannot wake up your echoes. However, you can eternally rest knowing that your rotting corpse received an internment just as good as anything from the Ivy League.
Four Horseman Mortuary: Serving Notre Dame Men since 1842 (and Notre Dame Women since 1975).
July 16th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
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Mr. Pelican Pants says:
At the Crimson Catacombs, you will be interred in a scaled down version of Denny Chimes, and with your added donation to the University, your bones could be ground into dust and added to the concrete that will be used in the newest expansion of the Stadium, which the concrete company is owned by none other than Paul W. Bryant,Jr…that right there is pretty close to heaven…the beauty of this plan is that the Catacombs will be actually under the stadium……and by default we will always break the attendance record for a spring game since we will be allowed to count those fans attending the game and those fans buried under the stadium…..92,000 above and below, thats a new record of 184,000
July 16th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
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willet says:
Sparteemike you are a tool. QEDMF
July 16th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
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David Puddy says:
As a cemetery groundskeeper during my summers home from school, I abide.
Here at Mountaineer Crematory, we are proud to offer your loved ones the most excellent honor that a West Virginian can receive: To be turned into ashes, just like your living room couch. No longer just a rite of passage for the drunken faithful of Morgantown, here at our Crematory we add the dimension of spirituality to the ritual of Couch Burning. The official Mountaineer mascot will ignite your corpse using pure, West Virginia coal while the inbred banjo player from Deliverance will serenade your en fuego remains with “Take Me Home, Country Roads.”
We offer the spreading of your ashes in Jim Bob’s bathtub to become part of his seasonal moonshine (later to be consumed by WVU tailgaters), or full interment of your remains in the trailer park overlooking Mountaineer Field. We offer competitive rates for our services, although we’re known to be outbid by similar entities in Alabama and Michigan. Former University President turned Secretary Mike Garrison will be happy to take your call and book your appointment today!
July 16th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
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Boilermaker5212 says:
Let your journey into the afterlife begin at the Purdue Polyandrium, also known as the Boilermaker Boneyard. For a small fee (50% given to the John Purdue Club) you too can have your remains cryogenically frozen while our science and engineering majors work to invent a way to re-animate your corpse. Your custom cryo-capsule will buried in one of four locations: the Bob Griese Gardens, located in the Black and Gold IM fields where you will forever be a part of the tailgating community; the Jim Everett Mausoleum, placed in a discreet location on Chauncy Hill, will allow you to party it up with all of the Breakfast Clubbers during every football season AND Grand Prix weekend; the Mike Alstott Mastaba, built into the Ross-Ade stadium foundation underneath the student section, will allow you to eternally chant “Boiler Up”, “One, two, three, four, first down”, and hassle referees for bad calls; finally the Drew Brees Necropolis gives you the all access on, or shall we say under, field pass you’ve always wanted as it is strategically located beneath the 50-yard line where the Boilermaker Special and Purdue players alike will consistently disrupt your slumber.
*Fee not refunded if re-animation process fails to work, or does not work as intended.
July 30th, 2008 at 9:14 pm