COUNTDOWN: 43
“If any of my competitors were drowning, I’d stick a hose in their mouth”
July 16, 2008
TOMMY BOWDEN FANNING THE FLAMES, WHICH DOESN’T MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS
Tommy Bowden is uncomfy with your favorable assessment of his football squad, sirs:
The Tigers, who capped last season with a 9-4 record and ranked No. 21 in the final Associated Press Top 25, seem to be everyone’s pick to win the ACC. Well, that was until Tuesday.
Clemson coach Tommy Bowden did his best to fan the flames on his team’s hot projections while talking with the media following his annual media golf tournament at The Reserve at Lake Keowee. Bowden even speculated whether his team deserves to be a top 10 squad when the AP and the Coaches polls debut in a few weeks.
Thus far, every preseason magazine has picked Clemson as a preseason Top 10 as well as the favorite to win the ACC’s Atlantic Division.
“I would say it would be premature,” Bowden said.
Setting aside the fact that we’re almost positive “fanning the flames” connotes exacerbating, not lessening—what is this, Oberlin? Are we to expect “A for effort” stickers to multiply on the helmets of the purple Tigers throughout the season? TB, we’re as puzzled as you are to see your team creeping up the polls, but forth, and fear no darkness, brah. The ACC is largely devoid of entertainment since the fall of Miami. Let’s see some showmanship.
The Clemson Tigers: An alligator in spelling.
FULMER CUPDATE: STATUS QUO ANTE WEEKUM
This week’s admittedly static Fulmer Cupdate comes courtesy of Brian, who even on slow days is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson.
Alabama remains atop the standings thanks to Jimmy Johns yayopalooza. With no charges dismissed and little on the horizon in the way of charge dismissals, the bar is set: Alabama is coming out of the Alps with a twenty minute lead and safely ensconced in the peloton, while everyone else is blood-doping and swigging liquid EPO trying to keep up. Missouri and West Virginia…well? We’re waiting, Danny.
Other than that, it’s naptime going into the stretch. Someone wake us when Rampage Jackson signs an LOI with UCLA and proceeds to drive his truck over the Bruins last remaining quarterback.
HEY NOW, THAT’S WEATHER CHANNEL MUSIC THERE
On the podcast with Kenny Smith over at Al.com, we mention (among many, many other things) the extravagances of going to SEC Media Days next week, the least of these being the fact that satellite trucks are going to be there to broadcast “yup-good-not injured-excited” quotes around the world for all to see.
We’ll ignore the coaches and look for the real star. You know who we’re talking about.
AIIIIIGGGGHHH!!!! They should play her scream over the speakers when Alabama scores. It would only be fitting. And yes, the music on the podcast sounds a little Weather Channelish. Not everyone has access to the cutting edge NowLive technology that we have, allowing for only four train wreck catastrophes per broadcast.
REST FOREVER WITH PETE CARROLL
Scott Wolf proposes the revolutionary idea of the team-themed cemetery for USC, which is of course based on a real German idea about a Hamburg-HSV-themed cemetery for diehard soccer fans, which is “of-course” worthy since in all matters thanatological the Germans are at the forefront, both in terms of inventing new ways for people to die and in ways of making death a vital nutrient in you daily diet of experience. (They invented mustard gas and DeathTV. QEDMF.)
USC doesn’t seem to be the most promising market, though. Death in L.A. just lets everyone down, because it’s so selfish of you to leave like that, and because you’ll get all old and wrinkled and boring like dead people always are. (You will be, however, very, very thin. Jealous!)
We instead offer alternatives business proposals fresh off the drawing table at EDSBS Capital Development, free of charge because we’ve just got too many ideas to turn them all into spun gold sweatervests, you know.
Tennessee: Tasteful, extra-large vaults overlooking the Tennessee River on 12 acres of verdant prime real estate. Amenities will include Erik Ainge “blessing” your headstone by attempting to hit it, and then missing completely and throwing to a waiting groundskeeper for a crippling INT. Discounts for all plots crapped on by Smokey during visits. Visits by boat only, of course. No Catholics, and no same-sex couples in the “Reggie White Section.” Double-wide plots and orange and white checkerboard sod available for extra fees.
Ohio State: Located within a punt’s distance of the ‘Shoe, Buckeye Timbers promises that when you’re a cloud of dust three yards deep, your stay here will be just like a Buckeye scoring drive: dignified, slow, and as long as eternity itself. (more…)
MUSTACHE WEDNESDAY: CONNERY, PLEASE
So as not to forget, as we did last Wednesday: our Mustache Wednesday comes courtesy of reader Jason, who is to credit and blame for making you all see this.
Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers!
This is Connery from Zardoz, a 1974 bomb directed by John Boorman featuring this actual line of dialogue:
The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life, and poisons the earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots death, and purifies the earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth and kill!
Screenwriters: they’re professionals! Don’t fuck with their “craft,” or risk spoiling the next Anaconda or The Notebook. We like Ryan Gosling so much better when he’s smoking crack in between inspirational English classes.
CURIOUS INDEX, 7/16/08
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It’s Wednesday. Time for Girl Talk. We always thought Chicago and the Quad City DJs were a natural match. Notre Dame announces their new AD today, and he is no one. Okay, he exists, and is some one, but he is a first-time AD who’s never managed an athletic program before, which seems to go with Notre Dame’s overall “hey, you wanna try something here, guy?” approach to hiring as of late. John “Jack” Swarbrick is a lawyer and is partly responsible for the Super Bowl coming to Indianapolis, and is therefore a favorite of every sportswriter three and a half years in advance due to his creation of easy “Indianapolis sucks” columns for Super Bowl week. Hiring an inexperienced AD usually means they get to play the part of compliant asphalt to some steamroller; whether that’s Weis, the administration, or both remains to be seen. Little Ball of Hate: ROCK. Trey Blackmon has the finest nickname in contemporary college football: “Little Ball of Hate.” Frankly, only two names could top this: one, whoever “Big Ball of Hate” is, and two, our proposed nickname for the position Jasper Brinkley plays at South Carolina, the “Thundercock Linebacker” position. We really just want that to be spoken on air by an ESPN personality just to watch the sweat stain their collar. 698 slots available; market value, $10,651 each. Care to quantify expectations for Georgia fans? Exactly 698 slots opened up for season tickets thanks to the usual attrition (death or tightened budgets, we guess,) and the going price shot up to over ten grand for each one for 2008. Ah, angsty teeth-gnashing over the toxic mixture of cash and college athletics! Wait, we’re sorry, this is the SEC. ROCK OUR TICKETS DONE COST MORE THAN URS WOOOOOO!!!! Get money! Further online defections. Alert the authorities. Chip Brown of the Dallas Morning-News is headed to Rivals, per our golden “sources.” Brown’s departure, along with that of Wendell Barnhouse to the Big 12’s website, takes two of the biggest names in Big 12 sportswriting to the dark side of these mean internets. [/finger tent, quiet laughing.] |
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