VISITING LECTURER: MARSHALL

by Orson on Jul 15, 2008 3:49 PM EDT

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest "bullshit" coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Marshall University fan Alex, who provides us with an appropriately thunderous preview. For today, HE. ARE. MARSHALL. Enjoy.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Yellow. It is the color of the flame on Mark Snyders hotseat- undoubtedly strong but not quite yet white-hot. The consensus seems to be that he needs at least a 6-6 finish in his fourth season to stay safe. Yellow is also the color of the caution tape around our optimism that this will be the year Snyder turns it around after three losing seasons.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Our history has a strong correlation to that of the Jews. (Really?--ed.) Both were exiled from their homeland (in Marshalls case, the MAC in the late 60s) before suffering a tragedy that threatened their very existence (the 1970 plane crash.) However, both managed to survive long enough to return to and utterly dominate their respective homelands in which they were now unbelievably hated (really, the MAC despised Marshall.) The 2002 game against Buffalo, in which at halftime, Marshall led 52-0 and Byron Leftwich had 447 passing yards, serves as a good parallel to the Six-Day War.

Fortunately for Israel, the comparison stops after 2004.

They have yet to move out of their homeland and fail miserably over the last 3 years. For our current state, insert whatever once was powerful but now isnt nation here. Argentina, post-Falklands, post-currency collapse--ed.

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

DE #96 Albert McClellan

Our Conference USA 2006 defensive POY missed all of last year after going down in two-a-days. His presence alone would have won us a game or two more last year. We ranked dead last in turnovers forced thanks to no pressure on the quarterback.

TE #85 Cody Slate/ WR #1 Darius Passmore

The pass-catchers have to be our biggest strength. Slate is a junior who has been in the top 10 statistically among tight ends in his first two years. Passmore is a senior who brought back memories of Randy Moss wearing #88 last year.

QB # 10 Mark Cann

The key to our season. We had 5 QBs looking to replace Bernie Morris, but the lefty redshirt freshman came out of spring as the strong favorite.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

- Cincinnati @ Marshall- Friday, October 3, 8:00 PM (ESPN)

Three reasons Marshall will win this game:

A) Home field advantage means everything. The Herd is 112-14 all time at home, and even our terrible defense on our awful 3-9 team last year was able to hold Pat White & company to 6 points in the first half in Huntington.

Quien es mas macho? Yo!

B) Brian Kelly is a cocky bastard. I dont see his team being prepared for what theyre going to walk into. Last year, the Bearcats played in front of small crowds at San Diego State and Miami (Ohio) University. Theyll play Akron in the Rubber Bowl, one of the most awful venues in college football, six days before this one. Joan C. Edwards stadium will be by far the best non-BCS atmosphere these Bearcats have played in. Nothing gets us fired up like a nationally televised game against a BCS team, and unlike WVU and Kansas State in recent years, Cincy wont have the advantage of a pre-noon kickoff. The crowd will be loud and likely larger than the capacity of the Bearcats own Nippert Stadium.

C) Its a white-out! The latest success in our ongoing attempt to steal every single tradition from Penn State.

- Marshall @ West Virginia- September 27 (TV: TBA)

Yeah, youll come for the Pat White and Noel Devine, but youll stay for the national title hopes and couches going up in flames.

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game were better off NOT watching.

- Marshall @ Wisconsin- September 6 (TV: TBA)

Defensive tackle was our biggest weakness last year, and new defensive coordinator Rick Minter is switching our defense to a 3-4. While it should be improved, I dont see our defense being able to slow down the Badgers running game in our first game of the year against an FBS team.

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

Defensive tackle is still our biggest weakness until further notice. If Cann fails to deliver, inexperience at quarterback will be what bites us in the ass.

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, were seriousdo it.

"The only people that like Jimmy Buffett are frat boys and alcoholic chicks from the south." - Eric Cartman

While I dont fall into either of those categories, I would if you changed chick to guy and south to kind-of-in-the-south. Seriously, how the hell do you define West Virginia? No one here really knows. The state only exists because it didnt want to be a secede from the Union. It was a northern state during the war, but most of it is below the Mason-Dixon line. Ive heard it described as being in the South, Mid-Atlantic (despite not touching the ocean), and Midwest.

Anyway, I only know a couple Jimmy Buffett songs off the top of my head so I had to do some quick Wikipedia research and came up with Theres Nothin Soft about Hard Times. Thats probably more fitting for the fans, especially my age, who until the last three years, knew nothing but the happy sunshine and rainbows of I-AA championships, MAC titles, and Heisman trophy finalists when it came to Marshall football.

Seven: Were master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

For a single game, pick us straight up at home against Cincy for the reasons mentioned above. For the season, Im gonna set the over-under at 7-5. Overly optimistic? Probably. There are signs of an impending turnaround though: a strong finish last year, improved depth, almost no losses at the skill positions outside of QB, the return of McClellan, and hey, Phil Steele has us as the 16th most improved team I think.

At Wisconsin and WVU are near-certain losses. At Southern Miss and East Carolina are likely losses. I think we have a good chance to run the table after that, but Im gonna throw in one unexpected home loss or a flop at either UAB or Rice.

Thank you, Alex. For further reading on Marshall, the Library of Congress recommends the Torah, or Herd Nation.

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Our history has a strong correlation to that of the Jews

Billy Crystal?

by Chuck on Jul 15, 2008 4:21 PM EDT reply actions

- Marshall @ West Virginia- September 27 (TV: TBA)

yeah, that one isnt gonna be televised unless you live in Morgantown or Huntington… congrats Gov. Manchin, you created a game noone wants to see!

by beckett on Jul 15, 2008 4:21 PM EDT reply actions

What, no Matthew McConaghey reference?

by Raider Red on Jul 15, 2008 4:23 PM EDT reply actions

Want something to Wager on?

Over under on the number of Marshall football players that are in the incoming class of 2008 that graduate.

Over/under starts at 6.

by Ryno on Jul 15, 2008 4:43 PM EDT reply actions

Even the Herd superfan picked a potential loss against Rice…

Do they even play football?

by Hossnfeffer on Jul 15, 2008 4:47 PM EDT reply actions

Did he pick the Jews because WVU was World War II-era Germany? Then it makes sense, even if it is still a reach.

by mlmintampa on Jul 15, 2008 4:52 PM EDT reply actions

He’s right; the MAC really did despise Marshall. I hated those fuckers when I was at Miami, and I know I wasn’t alone. Devilgrad, can you back me up?

by The Song of Hiawatha Francisco on Jul 15, 2008 4:53 PM EDT reply actions

Well, like most MAC fans, I despised the fact that they were cheating their asses off during their first five years in the league, and continued to do so until the NCAA brought the hammer down in 2002.

I despised the fact that their fans continually acted like martyrs over the MAC booting them to the curb in the late 60s, instead of blaming their own corrupt coaching staff for committing more than 100 NCAA violations at a time when that was virtually impossible.

I despised the fact that even when they got brought back to earth and forced to play by the rules, only winning one conference title in their last four years in the league, and going a pedestrian 14-12 in the two seasons before they left, they still refused to admit that there were MAC teams that beat them straight up (and that their illegal tactics were largely what paved the way for their early success in their second stint in the MAC).

And I despised the fact that fans in Huntington rained down abuse upon visiting team fans that would make even the most obnoxious SEC fan recoil in disgust. Tom Archdeacon of the Dayton Daily News chronicled the ugliness after the infamous 2002 Miami-Marshall game.

But hated them? No. Hate is a strong word.

by Papa Lou BSU on Jul 15, 2008 5:18 PM EDT reply actions

“There’s Nothin’ Soft About Hard Times”: wow, Down To Earth. It’s a Jimmy Buffett album that merely sucks, instead of the usual jump-out-of-a-moving-vehiclelevel Jimmy Buffett suck.

by now_a_hoo on Jul 15, 2008 5:32 PM EDT reply actions

Beats the hell out of me. I’m still trying to scare up a minyan in Huntington.

by DevilGrad on Jul 15, 2008 5:37 PM EDT reply actions

#9—

Its a Jimmy Buffett album that merely sucks, instead of the usual jump-out-of-a-moving-vehiclelevel Jimmy Buffett suck.

Those exist? I thought the only thing Jimmy Buffett ever did was hire some guy to invent the chocolate nachos they serve at Cheeseburger in Paradise.

(Side story: I once saw a guy propose to his girlfriend at the bar at Cheeseburger in Paradise in Charlottesville while the two of them were waiting for a table. Now that’s what I call a Kodak moment.)

by Chuck on Jul 15, 2008 5:41 PM EDT reply actions

“only worthwhile thing”

by Chuck on Jul 15, 2008 5:42 PM EDT reply actions

What, no Matthew McConaghey reference?

It’d be alot cooler if you did

(have a Matthew McConaghey reference)

by WarCardinals on Jul 15, 2008 5:43 PM EDT reply actions

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Let’s see. We’ve got a group that rode high in the late Nineties before being caught in nefarious activities, eventually got bombed to smithereens by the good guys (see Roethlisberger, Ben, circa 2003), faded off into near irrelevance by 2004, and last seen hiding out in the mountains.

I’ll go with the Taliban (or, if you prefer, Herdiban).

by DevilGrad on Jul 15, 2008 5:44 PM EDT reply actions

Cheat? How did paying players and giving them test answers provide a competitive advantage? You Miami guys are always whining. It’s not like they bugged locker rooms or tapped into visiting coaching staff’s headsets. Oh, wait…

by Toledo Rocket on Jul 15, 2008 6:09 PM EDT reply actions

Sorry to get off track for a moment – but at what point was Argentina dominant in anything other than beef consumption, bulimia, and throwing dissidents out of helicopters above the ocean?

by DC Trojan on Jul 15, 2008 11:35 PM EDT reply actions

having Rick Minter as a DC is worth at least 7 losses and one fired head coach

by adam on Jul 16, 2008 12:36 AM EDT reply actions

#16—

Don’t forget, at one point, Argentina had the Hand of God on their side.

by Chuck on Jul 16, 2008 1:43 AM EDT reply actions

Sorry, UC will roll the Herd. Homefield means nothing outside of BCS conferences.

by odell51 on Jul 16, 2008 8:52 AM EDT reply actions

Home field advantage? At a stadium named after a woman??? HAHAHAHAHA.

Marshall can’t fill that place without letting women and children in for free.

by TC#27 on Jul 16, 2008 10:11 AM EDT reply actions

Wow, nothing mobilizes the WVU fans like the ability to talk shit about their non-rivals at Marshall.

by k00laid on Jul 16, 2008 11:02 AM EDT reply actions

wow, what a bunch of cry babies…

MAC’ers, lol, boo hoo

WVU’ers, wow, i mean i don’t see OSU fans on the akron board talking all this smack. you guys feel you are so far above MU, why spend soooo much time telling everybody?

UC fan talking smack about being in a bcs conf.?!?!?! roflmao…

by John on Jul 16, 2008 12:07 PM EDT reply actions

I talk sh!te on Marshall because they deserve it. I can’t count how many times I had to listen to Herd fans run their mouths about how good they were when we weren’t playing one another……

CHARLESTON GAZETTE
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July 15, 2008
Manchin delares WVU must allow Marshall to use new hyperbaric chamber too.
By The Associated Press

CHARLESTON, W.Va. — Earlier this morning on the steps of the West Virginia State Capital Building, Governor Joe Manchin announced his latest demands for equality among the state’s two 1A/FBS football playing schools.

In a move that has been dubbed “good for the state,” Manchin announced that Marshall University’s football team must be allowed equal access to WVU’s latest addition to its football program, a hyperbaric chamber geared toward helping WVU’s athletes prepare for competing in higher altitude venues, such as Boulder, Colordo later this fall. Governor Manchin stated, “For far too long WVU has been the sole beneficiary of the money its Alumni donates to it own Athletic Department. This latest attempt by WVU to keep the Marshall program from sharing in its wealth will not be tolerated! All our state Division 1 football players should be allowed to use this technology. The financial rewards that will result in a joint effort of using WVU Alumni funds to help both state programs can not be overstated. It is a good day for the state, and this joint use of resources is good for the state overall. Financially, it just makes sense.”

Immediately after the announcement, Marshall Head Football Coach Mark Snyder released his comments: “I think this has been a long time in coming. Sure, sharing this new hyper-boring-what-cha-ma-call-it is a step in the right direction, but until those up north realize that we deserve our share of WVU’s bowl revenue, it’s still just semantics. We are on their schedule helpng them with their BCS rankings at the end of the year, so it is only a matter of time until Uncle Joey… er… I mean Governor Manchin rewards Marshall for their part in WVU’s post season successes. We were already promised a pice of the Rodriguez lawsuit pie to help fund our indoor practice facility. It just goes to show you what good things can happen when you win the first half of a ballgame against a bunch of hilljacks that never won a 1AA national title.”

Immediate attempts to contact WVU Athletic Director Edward Pastilong for a comment were not returned, but sources say the WVU Athletic Department as a whole is not please with the latest turn of events by Governor Manchin, but most don’t seem shocked by the Governor’s actions. One WVU fan was quoted as saying, “We’ve come to expect the shafting by Manchin. This doesn’t surprise me one bit.” More will be reported as it develops.

by TC#27 on Jul 16, 2008 1:31 PM EDT reply actions

@19 – Nippert Stadium, with all 150 seats (and 82 fans) is the loudest, rockin’-est BCS stadium on the planet.

by Markansas on Jul 16, 2008 2:02 PM EDT reply actions

Chuck @ 18 – as a bitter Scot, that is nothing but entertainment to me. Still funny that the cheating little bastard genius is remembered for that goal and not this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rW-lK9F6TU

by DC Trojan on Jul 16, 2008 2:50 PM EDT reply actions

Papa Lou BSU…14-10 in our last two years (including close losses to OSU, Georgia, Tennessee, a win over Big 12 champ and #6 K-State). And that was 12-4 in conference. Not bad for our two worst years in that stint.

And fan smack? The only thing I remember about Marshall’s only trip to Muncie (oh, besides Moss’s 5 TD’s) were your students spending the entire game parading in front of our section waving signs and making fun of Moss’s past problems and us being rednecks from WV.

by I've Got a Herd on on Jul 17, 2008 3:12 PM EDT reply actions

lmao at the MAC’ers first of all, i’m sorry we raped you guys so bad for those 7 years……UC fans, you all have no business talking about your BCS status or stadium…..and WVU fans, first of all why are you talking about “little old marshall”, and second of all enjoy your last year with pat white bc after that you guys are absolutely screwed now that you lost your coach (another one) to michigan……have fun rotting back down to your usual mediocre status

by ncherdfan on Jul 17, 2008 4:33 PM EDT reply actions