REMINDER: EDSBS LIVE is at 9:00 P.M. EDT. That is all.

It’s the Redneck as hell, child-support-owin’, turrurist-killin’, Jesus-lovin’, pickup-wreckin’, oxycontin-chompin, Jeff Foxworthy ain’t no redneck ’cause he laughs at my people’s superior ways edition of the EDSBS Live. You cannot listen to this unless you’ve made love to a fire arm, paid an electrical bill in installments, or used the phrase “done been” without irony.

If tonight’s show were a moment in history, it would look a lot like this:

Deadspin’s Clay Travis will be our guest, and we give him three seconds before he makes a bingo wings joke. Our four questions follow:

1. Tell us your favrite SEC what like a eccentricity. Besides redneck sodomy, because who doesn’t love that? Ours? That LSU actually keeps a dadburn tiger in a place nicer than most people’s trailers. That blows our mind, or at least the parts the freon-huffin’ ain’t taken yet.

2. Which fans really are country boys what can survive? Meaning: which fans actually could, given a large nucular explosion (Our prezdint, god bless him, cain’t say it wrong. LIBRULZ!!!) type event, would survive like Hank says they would. Our bets are on LSU fans, but only ’cause they’d eat people. We seen ‘em do it.

3. The cream, please. Which team is the finest in all the land? Like, you know, the Gretchen Wilson of football teams for 2008? I know, say whatcha want, but I’ll take an asskicker like her over some Faith Hill type anytime, because when you fall asleep with a cigarette in bed and burn down everything you own, she’ll understand. Cause she done it, too.

4. What are you doin’ to protect and defend the homeland? Personally, to protect ours and our’n, we’re watching Wipeout and conjurin’ up our own Japanese obstacle course. When the turrorists come, ain’t no way they’s gettin’ over six spinnin’ metal barrels. Only Asians ken do that trick, long with theys other special talents: kung-fu and havin’ sideways vaginas.

Sees you tonight. Listen here, if you love America.

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Marshall University fan Alex, who provides us with an appropriately thunderous preview. For today, HE. ARE. MARSHALL. Enjoy.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Yellow. It is the color of the flame on Mark Snyder’s hotseat- undoubtedly strong but not quite yet white-hot. The consensus seems to be that he needs at least a 6-6 finish in his fourth season to stay safe. Yellow is also the color of the caution tape around our optimism that this will be the year Snyder turns it around after three losing seasons.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Our history has a strong correlation to that of the Jews. (Really?–ed.) Both were exiled from their homeland (in Marshall’s case, the MAC in the late 60’s) before suffering a tragedy that threatened their very existence (the 1970 plane crash.) However, both managed to survive long enough to return to and utterly dominate their respective homelands in which they were now unbelievably hated (really, the MAC despised Marshall.) The 2002 game against Buffalo, in which at halftime, Marshall led 52-0 and Byron Leftwich had 447 passing yards, serves as a good parallel to the Six-Day War.

Fortunately for Israel, the comparison stops after 2004. (more…)

This…this really isn’t Nick Saban heading to work on a normal day, is it?

The video–which for the video-impaired shows a 12 car, six motorcycle strong motorcade bullrushing through the middle of UA’s campus–was uploaded on July 28th, 2007, and the description reads:

Nick Saban’s daily routine, heading to work, on University Blvd here on campus at Alabama. We go jogging early and decided to bring a camera one day to catch a glimpse of our beloved coach.

We’ve seen the motorcades they use to ferry around members of the People’s Congress and the Chinese politburo around Beijing, and you’ll be sadly unsurprised to know that this is comparable to those. It kicks the stuffing out of the Laotian VIP motorcade, though; one motorcycle with a gumball light and three 1994 Mercedes do not prestigious, awe-inspiring display of privilege make.

Now someone please tell us this is a rare occasion, and that Saban doesn’t roll through like this weekly anymore, and we’ll go back to being oblivious about the obscene amount of power granted the head coach of Alabama. (For all we know, he’s signing death warrants and running his own jails.)

Update: Old video, of course. We still think he runs his own secret prisons.

Because, occasionally, there are things that aren’t on EDSBS.

Is that supposed to be a grandfatherly Lenin? We never tire of communist posters, especially when they are accompanied by quality Wolverine agitprop.

Over at TSB, Littmann has his review of NCAA 2009, which we played briefly on Sunday night at his place in Charlotte. We would have been victorious if not for Crippling NCAA Hubris Syndrome: driving for the winning td with 30 seconds to go and down 24-21, we decided that Tim Tebow’s stat line would look way better with a 2:1 TD/INT ratio than a 1:1, and called TE Drag out of the Gator Heavy formation. We threw a TD, but not the good kind that goes to your team. Crom always answers our prayers; he always says no.

Also: Pete Carroll shirtless. THIN FOREVER!

The Army/Navy game is looking to get around a bit. Sure, why bother playing at two historical settings every year? No one likes watching that.

That’s dePhiledelphia Cream Cheese. Or it is when you do it like that, for chrissakes.

LSU fans boost LA economy with gambling, themed t-shirts, neutria burgers. They’re already working up shirts for the Appalachian State game, but we think they can do better than the current “That was the Big House/This is Death Valley” Slogan. “You won’t HAVE A GREAT DAY”? “‘Eer Not Gonna Like What We Do To You?” “Brandon Lafell Will Block You Like a Hurricane?”

EEEEEeeee that guy again. MGo tosses more Barwis awesome into his bursting bag of wowpoints:

His reputation, which quickly turned him into an internet star among Wolverine fans, is indeed larger than life. “I think he had a freakin’ pet wolf at home,” says [former WVU RB Kay-Jay] Harris. “Now, c’mon, who has a pet wolf?”

Answer: Mike Barwis. Get to those hang cleans now and do it quickly, son.

The Wiz got laid off. This is a good thing, since he can now ditch the dying newspaper industry for the internets full-time. Get money!

We ’bout that ‘tuss.

Purple drank is a bit of an obsession around here. We’re unsure why: drank has a charisma all its own, a make-do charm based in the need to not just get drunk, but to get excessively drunk on the cheap. Nay: to get excellently drunk, since it is the drink of champions like Mike Jones and 3-6 Mafia, who proudly advertises that they “drink that Tuss.”

For those unfamiliar with the concept of purple drank, a.k.a. “lean,” “sizzurp,” or “you’re drinking adulterated cough syrup because you find the concept of slumming it quaintly entertaining,” Wikipedia contains all a human being could possibly want to know about that purp, though we excerpt two pieces in particular. No connection between the two. We swear. (more…)

Would you like your death to benefit society? Or, failing that, how’s this: would you like your death to benefit your football program? Thank T. Boone Pickens for making this a real possibility with his special “Death Benefits” program, where your life insurance policies may be paid out to your university’s athletic program. Presumably, he has Mike Gundy and assistant coaches out there dropping safes on wealthy Oklahoma State alums from great heights to “accelerate the organic growth of our fine program.”

T. Boone’s also at the forefront of cutting-edge energy policy, a convenience for him that he can afford since he amassed the bricks for his solid platinum manor with lucre from the dirty, evil, no good very bad oil industry. (The Oil Industry: serving as your generic straw man villain since 1883.)

Now, to further this site’s commitment to fine, balanced journalism, we provide a unique opportunity for readers to engage in an important national debate. On one side, new economy booster and wannabe Greenzo T. Boone Pickens, who will present a summary of his plan to forge a new economy for the 21st century; and for the con side, his employee and current Oklahoma State football coach, Mike Gundy.

Mike Gundy thinks coal is just fine, thank you, and eats whole chunks of it for breakfast. He burns it in his children’s rooms to make them strong. You would understand that, if you had children. But you don’t, and that’s obvious.

Mileage reading until joke fatigue sets in on Mike Gundy rant jokes: infinite. It’s the Prius of football humor memes!