Your hoax-fu is weak, grasshopper. 36 year-old Nebraska fan James Conradt, next time you post an expertly crafted hoax about Sam Bradford and Landry Jones being arrested on cocaine possession that looks just like an article from the Daily Oklahoman, make sure you slip some detail letting everyone know it’s a hoax instead of writing a flat, deadpan account of two young football players getting busted for yayo. Say they did it right after Oklahoma’s victory in a recent BCS title game, for example. That should do it.

Landry Jones father on the legal options:

“I’m going to prosecute him to the fullest extent of the law,” said Kevin Jones, Landry’s father. “I’ve got deep enough pockets to do it.”

Considering the story was reported as fact in Houston and Austin, we suggest Conradt seek protection in Texas, where there’s people who will actually pay him to do this all year.

We can only assume the original release date was January 7th. Order Jim Tressel’s inspirational read NOW to learn the secrets of success the Sweatervesty way. Save all Maurice Clarett jokes, please, and consider that the bulky pages of Tressel’s tome may be a less efficient method of feeling like a winner than the simple motivational guide Dennis Erickson uses every morning.

Print this out, place between the covers of a binder, and label it “OPEN IN CASE OF DOUBT.”

See? Cheaper, and it works for Cap’n Dennis every day. Your awesome.

He’s considering thinking about insulting you! We swear! You know what’s great about vindictiveness? It’s unproductive and unflattering at the same time! Now if you’ll excuse us, we have [NAME REDACTED] jokes to write. What contradiction?

Clock? Who fucking knows? At least we outscored Dodd, if only by one point: a 47 was our total, though we would point out that on any question that ended with “Clock?” we just hit “c” and moved on. The quiz is balls-out difficult, and proof that either football fans are far, far dumber when it comes to rules comprehension than previously thought, or that the rules are unnecessarily arcane and impossible to interpret correctly on the fly–a proposition we’re more likely to believe when SMQ gets a meager 55 on the thing.

(Take the test for yourself if you doubt its ferocity. See? This is why we didn’t go to law school. LOGIC FAIL.)

Pete Carroll is a fan of Pete Carroll. We saw it on Facebook. It must be true:

Carroll has also hit Facebook critical mass and has zero friend slots left, maxing out his 5000 person network. Social networking, your amazing capacities cannot hold the Humanitarian’s magnitude. It was a noble effort, though.