COUNTDOWN: 49
“The charm of history and its enigmatic lesson consist in the fact that, from age to age, nothing changes and yet everything is completely different.”
July 10, 2008
SING OUT, GENTLE BUCKEYES
In a swift response to the outcry surrounding Ohio State University’s decision to do away with a seniority-based system for allotment of alumni football tickets in favor of a lottery, the school is asking its former students to step into the spotlight. An Ohio State University Alumni Association announced this afternoon that it would be instituting a merit-based system and awarding the vast majority of its available seats for conference games to winners of the Brent Musberger’s Balls Memorial THAAAAH BUCKEEYYYEESSSH Spirit Pageant and Covered Dish Supper, to be held on campus the last week of July. The contest is open to all Ohio State University alumni and members of their immediate family. Below, the frontrunners for all major categories:
Lead Pipe Twirling: Priscilla Abernathy, 10, Upper Arlington
The pageant’s youngest entrant hopes to prove to her father, Dillard, that even lacking the requisite chromosomes she can be the son he told her he always wanted. She wowed judges at last April’s Columbus Cotillion with her deft handling of even the rustiest metal shards.
DO YOU NEED A BRAIN TO COACH COLLEGE FOOTBALL?
Not a genius. Also: national title holder.When we were at the NFL draft, the horrible intro the ghost-life a football player lives in the NFL* after college, we got into a discussion with an NFL draftnik, a likeable guy who nevertheless fit the mold of a thousand Kiper clones who really do, after each pick is announced, instantly fire out an oral verdict on the decision and address an invisible camera located just off-center/front in their vision. There’s hair gel and modified ducktail protomullets all over the place. It is a frightening vision of mid-Atlantic manhood, a collection of men who likely wear socks even when they don’t have to** and who regard the college game as this nifty game of paddy-cake preceding the real, live, stinking-with-testosterone game of the enn-eff-ell.
We were talking about Rashard Mendenhall when he said: (more…)
TEBOW TOTES TOT IN THAILAND, CRANKS COLORFUL CROCS
Tim Tebow in Chiang Mai, Thailand, purchasing a baby at one of the conveniently located local baby markets.
Those Crocs. We want them, if only to take the garbage to the curb in style. Watch out for the “Turtle In Pussy” Show in Bangkok, Tim: not that you’d be seen near Patpong anyway, but it’s not what you think! Oh, that poor, poor cat. We sometimes wake up screaming at night thinking about that one.
(HT: South Asia Rocks (it does) via Busted Coverage.)
SCENE: A NOTRE DAME DEFENSIVE MEETING
Notre Dame Football Offices. Charlie Weis and his staff are busy poring over game tape. Defensive coordinators Corwin Brown and Jon Tenuta sit on either side of Weis at the head of a long wooden table. Weis points and clicks at the screen.
Weis: And this?
Brown: Well, what we’d do is—
Tenuta: TAH-NOO-TAH BLITZ!!!! (Slams fist down on table.) (more…)
FINEBAUM PLACED ON INJURED RESERVE
Paul Finebaum, the most popular/infamous columnist and radio host a New Yorker has never heard of, is out as a columnist, at least, for three weeks due to complications from surgery to replace a detached retina. (That’s a dedicated reader.)
All the best to Paul, whom Peter once called a “motherfucker” on air on EDSBS Live.
Finebaum: off the drawing board for three weeks. Phyllis from Mulga rejoices.
CURIOUS INDEX, 7/10/2008
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Your hoax-fu is weak, grasshopper. 36 year-old Nebraska fan James Conradt, next time you post an expertly crafted hoax about Sam Bradford and Landry Jones being arrested on cocaine possession that looks just like an article from the Daily Oklahoman, make sure you slip some detail letting everyone know it’s a hoax instead of writing a flat, deadpan account of two young football players getting busted for yayo. Say they did it right after Oklahoma’s victory in a recent BCS title game, for example. That should do it. Landry Jones father on the legal options: “I’m going to prosecute him to the fullest extent of the law,” said Kevin Jones, Landry’s father. “I’ve got deep enough pockets to do it.” Considering the story was reported as fact in Houston and Austin, we suggest Conradt seek protection in Texas, where there’s people who will actually pay him to do this all year. We can only assume the original release date was January 7th. Order Jim Tressel’s inspirational read NOW to learn the secrets of success the Sweatervesty way. Save all Maurice Clarett jokes, please, and consider that the bulky pages of Tressel’s tome may be a less efficient method of feeling like a winner than the simple motivational guide Dennis Erickson uses every morning. Print this out, place between the covers of a binder, and label it “OPEN IN CASE OF DOUBT.”
See? Cheaper, and it works for Cap’n Dennis every day. Your awesome. He’s considering thinking about insulting you! We swear! You know what’s great about vindictiveness? It’s unproductive and unflattering at the same time! Now if you’ll excuse us, we have [NAME REDACTED] jokes to write. What contradiction? Clock? Who fucking knows? At least we outscored Dodd, if only by one point: a 47 was our total, though we would point out that on any question that ended with “Clock?” we just hit “c” and moved on. The quiz is balls-out difficult, and proof that either football fans are far, far dumber when it comes to rules comprehension than previously thought, or that the rules are unnecessarily arcane and impossible to interpret correctly on the fly–a proposition we’re more likely to believe when SMQ gets a meager 55 on the thing. (Take the test for yourself if you doubt its ferocity. See? This is why we didn’t go to law school. LOGIC FAIL.) Pete Carroll is a fan of Pete Carroll. We saw it on Facebook. It must be true:
Carroll has also hit Facebook critical mass and has zero friend slots left, maxing out his 5000 person network. Social networking, your amazing capacities cannot hold the Humanitarian’s magnitude. It was a noble effort, though. |
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