The doctor joins us for science time.

One of the grand unified theory challenges in college football is explaining not only why the SEC is perceived as being “faster” than other conferences, but also, why Michigan, Oklahoma, and West Virginia could hang with the perceived speed of the SEC.

We’ve uncovered the real reason behind it, but it requires some theoretical background. For that, we go to EDSBS Resident Scientist Walter Van De Grop, doing work for us while escaping the slanderous charges of several South African reconciliation tribunals. All yours, Doctor.

Walter Van de Grop: Thank you, Orson. I thank you for the opportunity to continue my life as a scientist, and would like to reiterate that I only visited Angola from the years of 1980-1986 for vacation, and most definitely not as a bioweapons consultant. Why, I scarcely know my VX gas from my aerosolized anthrax! And most definitely do not have stores of it in an unmarked storage facility in Dubai.

We should begin by saying that the emphasis on movement and explosiveness in athletic training extends beyond the parameters of the field. Every activity an athlete engages in is a form of training, and should be thought of this way. In short, it all counts, including the most popular form of recreation for men age 18-22: sexual intercourse.

(Warning: the following contains possibly suggestive drawings. SFW, but not really SFW.)

Sexual intercourse is far more athletic than one might realize: a test not only of willpower, concentration, and aerobic capacity, but also of explosiveness, grip, and hip flexibility. If athletes are indeed receiving similar training, then the margins of extracurricular training must factor in, as well.

This brings us to the ten fattest states in the United States as determined by biodata compiled last week from the CDC’s Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System database. Eight of the top ten states have schools in the SEC, leading us to propose the theory of three-plane core training unwittingly performed during sexual intercourse. We hope this represents a bold new frontier of study in biomechanics, and provides new and exciting answers just like my former research with puppies and mustard gas. I mean, with the migratory patterns of African elephants!

The standard posterior, when put in motion, provides a nice blend of flexibility and motor control for the controlling partner. (See “The Pac-10″ diagram as illustrated in the inset.) With repetition and control, you will find a well-conditioned, balanced athlete, just as you will find in the Pac-10.

Add weight along the midsection, as one might with a diet heavy in fatty meats and beer, and the development occurs primarily in strength gains, as the shape ensures movement in only one plane but requires substantial strength. This could explain the reputation of the Big Ten as a power conference; after all, training is as training does, whether it’s in the gym or in the sordid filth of a young person’s apartment.

(Note: all research performed in female submissive position. Futher research is, of course, required, as this is only a limited proposal. In future papers we will elaborate, and also involve research where we set macaques on fire. I mean, explore alternate theories, as well.)

Finally, the SEC. We now ask the reader to consider “the kettlebell effect,” or the three-plane dynamic stabilization required to move with an object that, colloquially speaking, is flying all over the place like an angry bee in a hailstorm. The SEC consistently produces the largest stock of people due to poor, corn-syrup-dominate diets and an average level of activity comparable to that of a bedridden sloth. (Meggers and Smith, Journal of Biomechanical Studies, 4th ed, pg 183. 1968

The fat not only piles up along the midsection but also in the posterior, a muscle group often hypertrophied to begin with thanks to supporting the bulk of the body. During intercourse, the motion becomes unpredictable, uncontrollable, and irregular. This motion describes to a “T” the sort of motion one might find on a football field: the juking, the sudden changes of direction, the often violent impacts one might actually experience on the field. It sounds much like an Angolan barfight when someone finds out you used their jailed brother for medical experiments, actually! Or not!

The motion explains any edge an SEC athlete may have, as illustrated in the sidebar in the third panel. Anecdotal evidence backs this up, as well. Consider the result of an average night’s coupling in any other conference, recorded below in a file photo.

Now, consider the file photo we have of the aftermath of a coupling between an anonymous blue chip prospect and Miss Nancy Erlander, an overweight self-described “BBW” who slept with the former SEC running back after meeting him in a bar in Baton Rouge in 2004.

Force equals mass times acceleration, and it’s this simple equation that explains so much about the perception of speed in American football. It even explains Michigan’s performance against SEC teams, as they’re doing similar training! For once, consider the benefits of obesity: it actually might make better American football players! It’s really exciting stuff for a scientist like me, and with meager grant money awarded to EDSBS Labs, I can help further science with my important research into how much nerve agent it takes to kill a rhino. Or into obesity and its athletic benefits! You choose, really!

Dr. Walter Van De Grop has a Ph.D in Biochemistry with a certificate in Bioweaponry from the University of Durban, and a medical degree from a Filipino Academy that has since closed. He repeats that he has never, ever been to Angola on business. Not once.