COUNTDOWN: 50
Genius, as an explosive power, beats gunpowder hollow.
July 9, 2008
BLOGTOBERFEST: COACHES’ THREAT LEVEL
Blogtoberfest! Because there’s more to life than EDSBS, but don’t tell us that.
You may thank Oops Pow for finding this violent and violently great video of people inflicting harm on each other for your scholastic athletic amusement.
Now go punch yourself in the mirror because it’s gameday, son or daughter! Everyone else just doesn’t know it, so they may file assault charges when you gack them in the parking lot on a “post pattern.” Or at least it looked like a post pattern to you, right?
Duke’s football team takes out the trash by cleaning up the campus. Because Duke football sucking is a legal fact and thus established as known to all, there’s really no point in making a joke here unless you’re the asshole who likes kicking kittens around.
The latest SN column puts coaches on a DHS-style watch list. Mike Stoops: CORE BREACH IMMINENT.
Everything at this website is brilliant and you should read it all. No one is as cool as KING COBRA!
Another journalist attempts to train like a pro and ends up depositing his breakfast into the bushes, and not in that festive manner, either.
VISITING LECTURER: BHGP ON IOWA
Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Iowa Hawkeye blogger and Black Heart Gold Pantser Hawkeye State on Hawkeyes 2008. When you get “AIDSburger in Paradise” stuck in your head, blame him.
One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:
Atomic Tangerine. Surely you remember Atomic Tangerine? Crayola started including it in the 72-crayon monster pack in about 1991. It was new. It was cool. It was…Atomic! Except it really wasn’t.
When I was in school, I would inevitably end up sitting next to one of those poor bastards whose family couldn’t afford any more than the 16-crayon pack. In an effort to show the ladies at my table that I was a giver, I’d allow the poor kid to borrow my crayons. For obvious reasons, the first one he would grab was Atomic Tangerine. After five minutes (or, in Iowa’s case, 2002-2004), he’d hand back the Atomic Tangerine and return to his own crayons. The moral of the story: No matter how you package Atomic Tangerine, eventually we all realize it’s just Chartreuse.
Crayola pimpin’: required to describe Iowa’s season.
Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?
Western Roman Empire, 5th Century A.D. (more…)
PETE CARROLL TAKES OVER AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER
This is exactly what Pete Carroll is saying here as he takes the wheel of an aircraft carrier:
Yes, of course! Hence the name: movement. It moves a certain distance, then it stops, you see? A revolution gets its name by always coming back around in your face. You tried to kill me you son of a bitch… so welcome to the revolution.
(Cue “Voodoo Child” as the carrier steams off into the darkness.)
See the film of Pete Carroll visiting the USS Stennis here.
EDSBS LABS: SEC SPEED EXPLAINED AT LAST
The doctor joins us for science time.One of the grand unified theory challenges in college football is explaining not only why the SEC is perceived as being “faster” than other conferences, but also, why Michigan, Oklahoma, and West Virginia could hang with the perceived speed of the SEC.
We’ve uncovered the real reason behind it, but it requires some theoretical background. For that, we go to EDSBS Resident Scientist Walter Van De Grop, doing work for us while escaping the slanderous charges of several South African reconciliation tribunals. All yours, Doctor.
Walter Van de Grop: Thank you, Orson. I thank you for the opportunity to continue my life as a scientist, and would like to reiterate that I only visited Angola from the years of 1980-1986 for vacation, and most definitely not as a bioweapons consultant. Why, I scarcely know my VX gas from my aerosolized anthrax! And most definitely do not have stores of it in an unmarked storage facility in Dubai.
We should begin by saying that the emphasis on movement and explosiveness in athletic training extends beyond the parameters of the field. Every activity an athlete engages in is a form of training, and should be thought of this way. In short, it all counts, including the most popular form of recreation for men age 18-22: sexual intercourse.
(Warning: the following contains possibly suggestive drawings. SFW, but not really SFW.)
CURIOUS INDEX, 7/9/08
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Perhaps we should scale back our plans for a fifth home with custom space elevator. Rich Rodriguez–or someone on his behalf–will pay West Virginia University the entire sum of $4 million dollars in damages related to his departure for Michigan this past January. The deal allegedly specifies how much Rodriguez will pay, and how much “someone else” will pay–presumably a man or woman named “Michigan Someone.”
Rodriguez, aside from now helming the Tiffany Program of college football, has to think of this as a loss, but perhaps should have seen this coming when one element of his legal defense was “I was, as a grown-up, enlawyered man, tricked into signing a large contract.” Some degree of pardon should be reserved for Rodriguez, though: the minute anyone gets involved in a legal tussle over lots of money, everyone in the room stands on their hands, puts glasses on their taints, and begins speaking directly through their assholes for the duration of the discussion. It’s called a legal shitfight for a reason. The U will have their U. An agreement has been reached between Dolphin Stadium officials and the University of Miami to put the logo “U” on the field for ‘Canes games in their new home in Miami. No word whether stadium officials will back up toilets and have sketchy locals outside parking cars on top of each other in forty square foot lots to make ‘Canes fans feel comfortable during games. Clemson and Alabama’s tattoo wars set up for an epic battle in Atlanta. Hopefully we can get photos, but we know some LSU fan will top both by having a full bodysuit of purple and yellow stripes done to top the competition. Tip: save money on the yellow ink by developing a nice case of jaundice. Given the way we’ve seen LSU fans guzzle booze at games, this shouldn’t be too difficult. Hey, look! An inspirational story defying stereotypes! deflated. Who likes that? Journalistic fail: you’re supposed to confirm what everyone thinks about the world, regardless of the evidence! Run along and do that, young typesmith! If you didn’t listen last night, stop by iTunes and search podcasts for “EDSBS Live” to listen to Phil Steele download one micron of his brain capacity on us last night. More than ever, we’re convinced he just sees green showers of ones and zeros when he watches football. |
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