SHOPLIFTING ISN'T ALWAYS FUNNY
by Orson on Jul 8, 2008 3:27 PM EDT
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APPROVEShoplifting isn't always funny, kids. Oh, you're led to believe by our corrupt culture of youth-targeted films and graphic novels to believe it is a harmless rite of passage, something girls do when they're tired of cutting their arms with paper clips for a buzz and need something more...intense, man.
Well, just like demon reefer, shoplifting isn't funny. [/exhales, coughs, turns up decade-old DJ Shadow album.] Where was I? Oh: shoplifting isn't just against the law, it just may TAKE THE THUMBS OFF OLD LADIES.
We tried to avoid sampling the whole article, but it's just poetry, really.
Eastern Kentucky University football player Davin Walker pleaded not guilty in a violent shoplifting case that severed part of a shopper's thumb.
Violent is fucking right. Us: intrigued. Moving on:
The 22-year-old senior wide receiver entered his plea Monday in Richmond.
A statement Monday afternoon by university athletic department spokesman Michael Clark said Walker had been suspended indefinitely.
Um, yes. Obviously. If your wide receivers are running around severing people's hands from their thumbs, they should be suspended. You might be able to appeal that "severing people's thumbs" is not strictly against any Eastern Kentucky codes of conduct, but we're sure it fits under a larger umbrella code of "not ripping anyone's extremities off." With the exception of Harvard, most colleges have those.
Police arrested Walker on Thursday after officers said he fled from Wal-Mart employees.
Escapability is one of his weaker spots as a player.
Police Sergeant Willard Reardon said as Walker was running, a shopping cart was overturned, tearing off the tip of a 69-year-old woman's thumb.
A wideout who runs so fast he turns over shopping carts just by running by them? Kiper says easy third rounder, provided he shows some hands and route-running skills at the combine. Also, bonus for shopping from Wal-Mart, because we always thought those greeters looked soft. Glad to see someone's keeping them on their toes. Did you just imagine someone with the little price-beater smiley face chasing someone with a look of blank, cold-blooded murder of their face? You'll never look at them the same way, will you?
And finally, the coda, where it all comes together:
Walker's hometown is Miami.
We have challenged the chicken of excellence, and life has trumped us again. You win.
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You might be able to appeal that severing peoples thumbs is not strictly against any Eastern Kentucky codes of conduct, but were sure it fits under a larger umbrella code of not ripping anyones extremities off. With the exception of Harvard, most colleges have those.
At Harvard, they have moot court, and extremities-ripping generally scores big points.
by DevilGrad on Jul 8, 2008 3:40 PM EDT reply actions
Damn, that there’s some esss eeee seee speed.
by Der Schatten on Jul 8, 2008 3:58 PM EDT reply actions
A friend of mine who both works at EKU and knows someone who used to work in loss prevention at Wal-Mart says that under a certain dollar value, they don’t chase shoplifters because the value of the item in question is less than the dollar value of the lawsuit they’ll invariably get hit with.
Her conclusion is that Walker must have been stealing “something awesome” to actually get them to chase him. Maybe it wasn’t Walker’s ESS EEE SEE OH VEE SEE speed but rather a 50" plasma TV that knocked the victim’s shopping cart over?
by Doug on Jul 8, 2008 4:08 PM EDT reply actions
All those embeds are giving me seiz…….
by Maize n Brew Dave on Jul 8, 2008 4:13 PM EDT reply actions
Doug, I’m just saying a kid with swifts like that from the Speed Capital of the Multiverse™ must either A) lack the brainpower to where even USF can’t get him eligible, or B) a rap sheet about 3 inches thick if an SEC school won’t bite (of course, in all fairness, SEC players tend to get rap sheets during the course of their collegiate career)
/Jimmy got some blow up in dis bitch.
by Der Schatten on Jul 8, 2008 4:14 PM EDT reply actions
Shit. Where’d you get a picture of my mother-in-law? That’s freaky.
by Harris on Jul 8, 2008 4:18 PM EDT reply actions
@ #7 – Shelley Duvall is your mother-in-law? Weird.
What did she do to piss off Willy Wonka so bad?
by The underrated Sorola Palmer on Jul 8, 2008 4:26 PM EDT reply actions
all this, and cocaine WASNT involved?
thats a shame. it could have made this great story into an epic.
by UFJim on Jul 8, 2008 4:36 PM EDT reply actions
Poor Grandma.
There goes this years’ State Quilting Bee.
by GamecockTony on Jul 8, 2008 4:42 PM EDT reply actions
Shit, he’ll need to ax murder the entire police precinct to catch Jimmy “Tony Montana” Johns.
Fuck. And I was hoping this would turn out to be something bigger.
by Steve on Jul 8, 2008 4:56 PM EDT reply actions
This post needs a warning label for epileptics.
by TIGERinATL on Jul 8, 2008 5:13 PM EDT reply actions
Fucking roosters. Literally or figuratively, they are contemptible fowl.
by DC Trojan on Jul 8, 2008 5:27 PM EDT reply actions
That kid getting chased by the chicken looks a little like Lou Holth!
by stunticon on Jul 8, 2008 8:08 PM EDT reply actions
DJ Shadow is best served aged, imo.
His latest album was a real ‘meh’ for me.
by Benjamin on Jul 8, 2008 10:51 PM EDT reply actions
Rich Brooks thinks stealing a tee vee as your cardio workout for the day is bullshit. But he does like your out-of-the-box thinking.
by The Fake Gimel Martinez on Jul 8, 2008 11:10 PM EDT reply actions
Now We know what will replace the sugar cane field “rabbit run”. The Liberty City “TV sprint”. You can take the boy out of Miami, but you can’t………….
by shanensga on Jul 9, 2008 12:10 PM EDT reply actions
So how much does a “severed thumb” get gran-ma-ma since she will sue Wal-Mart for chasing the young man who then in turn knocked over the Wal Mart Cart and that bad old cart decided to rip her thumb off…since she didnt die, I think she gets close to $100k
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Jul 9, 2008 5:18 PM EDT reply actions
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