APPROVE

Shoplifting isn’t always funny, kids. Oh, you’re led to believe by our corrupt culture of youth-targeted films and graphic novels to believe it is a harmless rite of passage, something girls do when they’re tired of cutting their arms with paper clips for a buzz and need something more…intense, man.

Well, just like demon reefer, shoplifting isn’t funny. [/exhales, coughs, turns up decade-old DJ Shadow album.] Where was I? Oh: shoplifting isn’t just against the law, it just may TAKE THE THUMBS OFF OLD LADIES.

We tried to avoid sampling the whole article, but it’s just poetry, really.

Eastern Kentucky University football player Davin Walker pleaded not guilty in a violent shoplifting case that severed part of a shopper’s thumb.

Violent is fucking right. Us: intrigued. Moving on:

The 22-year-old senior wide receiver entered his plea Monday in Richmond.

A statement Monday afternoon by university athletic department spokesman Michael Clark said Walker had been suspended indefinitely.

Um, yes. Obviously. If your wide receivers are running around severing people’s hands from their thumbs, they should be suspended. You might be able to appeal that “severing people’s thumbs” is not strictly against any Eastern Kentucky codes of conduct, but we’re sure it fits under a larger umbrella code of “not ripping anyone’s extremities off.” With the exception of Harvard, most colleges have those.

Police arrested Walker on Thursday after officers said he fled from Wal-Mart employees.

Escapability is one of his weaker spots as a player.

Police Sergeant Willard Reardon said as Walker was running, a shopping cart was overturned, tearing off the tip of a 69-year-old woman’s thumb.

A wideout who runs so fast he turns over shopping carts just by running by them? Kiper says easy third rounder, provided he shows some hands and route-running skills at the combine. Also, bonus for shopping from Wal-Mart, because we always thought those greeters looked soft. Glad to see someone’s keeping them on their toes. Did you just imagine someone with the little price-beater smiley face chasing someone with a look of blank, cold-blooded murder of their face? You’ll never look at them the same way, will you?

And finally, the coda, where it all comes together:

Walker’s hometown is Miami.

We have challenged the chicken of excellence, and life has trumped us again. You win.