CURIOUS INDEX, 7/8/2008

by Orson on Jul 8, 2008 9:04 AM EDT

Today prepare to have your mind blown. Phil Steele will be on with us at 8:30 EST on EDSBS Live. If you only listen to one show this entire year, make it this one. Phil Steele was, is, and will remain our last and best hope against Skynet.

PHIL! STEELE!

steele-intro2-1

His mind will suck the paint off your house and give your whole family a permanent orange afro: Phil Steele.

Florida State offensive lineman Evan Bellamy will miss the entire 2008 season with a blood clot in his leg. This takes ten starts off the line's overall experience tally, thins out an already scanty Seminole line decimated by suspensions for the first three games of the season, and confirms that having a blood clot--medical terminology here--"sucks."

The bone lives, per SMQ, so we'll assume it's true. Modified wishbones, flexbones, and triple-options backfields disguised under new formations? It's 1992 all over again! Home Alone 2! It's nuts!

The Paul Johnson experiment remains a bold one, and one that if successful, will undoubtedbly be copied relentlessly in one adulterated form or another, because if the NFL is the league of imitation, college football is the midgets/giants scenario where one genius thinks of something and fifty other schools half-assedly adopt it as part of their bouillabaise offense.

We took out the same ad, but instead of "kiss" we used "kill with our mind." Don't make it easy for Georgia fans, Techies. Just don't. However, this may replace the one joke they can remember about each fanbase, meaning a refreshing change from the usual ARP! ARP! ARP! tickle party jokes. JORTS! ARP!

His expectations are a bit low, we think.

McCarty said he hoped the ad will turn the tide and change the fact that he's never had a girlfriend.

"I guess I've been on the computer too much playing video games and not going out and meeting people as much as I'd like to," said McCarty.

Now, McCarty spends his college days studying finance and hopefully McCarty will get his happy ending.

Oh, sneaking a happy ending joke in there--Fox never fails! A hand job is a modest goal indeed, especially for any college environment, where the low self-esteem, sleep deprivation, and surging hormones insure that even English majors get the occasional night of futon-breaking passion. To be fair, though, a stiff breeze breaks most futons, so save the braggadocio for the time you and your girlfriend forced a fault line to shift or something else of that scale. (HT: Paul and Kyle.)

We'll take the test this morning, and in short, we are frightened if SMQ only got a fifty-five. On the heels of discovering we couldn't run under six seconds in the forty, June and July are truly becoming the months of enforced humility. (Dodd? 46; Oops Pow? 55. Blogfrica, what!)

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Comments

STEELE!!!!! WISHBONE!!!!!!!!!!! STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELEEE!!!!!!!!

Methinks today is going to be one of those “Meat hangover” days.

by White Speed Recieiver on Jul 8, 2008 9:26 AM EDT reply actions

AW YEAH STEEEEEELE STEEILZURE AAAAAAAIGGHHAHAHAHAHAHIFAJH

by Oops Pow Surprise on Jul 8, 2008 9:33 AM EDT reply actions

That picture tells me all I need to know about Steele. Georgia Trash, mustache, and part Aggie.

Pure. all.
some.

by ThreenOut on Jul 8, 2008 9:35 AM EDT reply actions

“McCarty said he went to the drastic measure of placing an ad because he wanted to impress a certain girl. The special girl is a co-ed from Maryland that McCarty has been chatting online with for years and the two will be meeting soon.”

So, so many negative stereotypes reinforced right there. My inner-engineer weeps.

by JeffAU on Jul 8, 2008 9:45 AM EDT reply actions

I remain convinced that a UGA journalism grad, perhaps even someone I worked on The Red & Black with, slipped the “happy ending” line into that Techie kissing-lessons story for funsies. Whoever it was, I tip my cap to him/her.

by Doug on Jul 8, 2008 9:57 AM EDT reply actions

Doug, watch the accompanying video. The newscasters are referring to a “happy ending.”

by hunglikehussain on Jul 8, 2008 10:16 AM EDT reply actions

Maybe the coed from Maryland is taking Massage Therapy. Then the ‘happy ending’ is appropriate.

by Crabapple Buck on Jul 8, 2008 10:19 AM EDT reply actions

With a little investigative journalism the reporters could have walked through an average dormitory at Tech and find 50 pasty-faced 19 year olds that have never been kissed. And I should know, there were plenty of late night Quake tournaments when I went to school there.

by Harper on Jul 8, 2008 10:20 AM EDT reply actions

There are self-inflicted parodies, as evidenced by Steele’s Gwinnett Special circa 1984 ‘do and XXL polo tuck, and then there self-inflicted travesties, as evidenced by the Tech kid’s little quest.

by Bobby Decatur on Jul 8, 2008 10:22 AM EDT reply actions

Last year’s show turned me from a lapsed Catholic to practicing Steeletologist. My body is composed entirely of VHThetans.

by Jerkwheat on Jul 8, 2008 10:24 AM EDT reply actions

I haven’t had a bowel movement since the last time I heard Steele’s voice.
I’ma listen tonight.

by jebus on Jul 8, 2008 10:30 AM EDT reply actions

Bobby – And you’re not even mentioning the lady-tickler.

by Oops Pow Surprise on Jul 8, 2008 10:30 AM EDT reply actions

@12

All he’s missing is a gawdy gold cross, and he’s my dad from the mid 80’s.

by White Speed Recieiver on Jul 8, 2008 10:34 AM EDT reply actions

@White Speed Receiver

Steele is everyone’s daddy.

by jebus on Jul 8, 2008 10:36 AM EDT reply actions

“A hand job is a modest goal indeed, especially for any college environment.”

/nods head

by GamecockTony on Jul 8, 2008 10:42 AM EDT reply actions

at long last IT’S STEELEMAS!

/pencils in a two-hour afternoon nap after stocking up on red bull

by kleph on Jul 8, 2008 11:57 AM EDT reply actions

that test is hard as hell. I got a 50, but I guessed on half.

by Hang Up & Listen on Jul 8, 2008 12:34 PM EDT reply actions

59, bitches. That’s like an F-plus.

by Yinka Double Dare on Jul 8, 2008 1:37 PM EDT reply actions

Great, Orson. Schedule PHIL STEELE on the same day that my wife gives birth to a little TigerNacho. How can I convince the wife that the voice of PHIL STEELE will promote synapse growth better than listening to Mozart?

by TigerNacho on Jul 8, 2008 3:08 PM EDT reply actions