EDSBS LIVE: STEELE.
Phil. 8:30 p.m. EST. Get ready.
Listen here. We’re off to do lines of fish oil and Provigil just to keep up.
July 8, 2008
SHOPLIFTING ISN’T ALWAYS FUNNY
APPROVEShoplifting isn’t always funny, kids. Oh, you’re led to believe by our corrupt culture of youth-targeted films and graphic novels to believe it is a harmless rite of passage, something girls do when they’re tired of cutting their arms with paper clips for a buzz and need something more…intense, man.
Well, just like demon reefer, shoplifting isn’t funny. [/exhales, coughs, turns up decade-old DJ Shadow album.] Where was I? Oh: shoplifting isn’t just against the law, it just may TAKE THE THUMBS OFF OLD LADIES.
We tried to avoid sampling the whole article, but it’s just poetry, really. (more…)
FULMER CUPDATE: ARKANSAS SCOOTS CLOSER
Our slightly delayed Fulmer Cupdate appears this week courtesy of Brian, who as always, is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson. Clarifications, apologies, and refusals to do either of the preceding follow.
This week’s biggest movement comes courtesy of your uncle who eats far too much cheese, cornmeal, and red meat. The most impressive scores of the week, though, continue to come from the Arkansas Razorbacks, who are welcoming Bobby Petrino to the SEC by piling up DUI Charges and getting involved in window-shattering scooter/car altercations.
The Razorbacks, awarded points for a DUI last week, bump up two points for a felony criminal mischief charge for linebacker Wendel Davis. Davis only picks up two points rather than the standard felony three because, in his defense, he was allegedly being pursued by a guy whose girlfriend decided to kiss Davis, and who is currently charged with terroristic threats. Thus the slightly reduced points, since we’d punch the windows out of someone’s car who was trying to run our teeny little scooter off the road…if we were strong enough to break a pane of glass, of course. Which we’re not.
Ohio State picks up three yards and a cloud of points for a bar fight (more…)
THINGS WE NEED: OUR OWN BULL GRILL
Normally when we see the image of an animal advertising for a place serving cooked pieces of that animal, a bit of cognitive dissonance kicks in and spoils the whole show for us. A pig advertising for a barbecue place is the worst, since the pig usually looks so happy to be the asshole porcine Quisling selling out his brethren for better slop.
For some reason, this Texas tailgating necessity escapes that quease, probably becase a.) it rocks balls, and b.) the cow looks appropriately confused, as in “What’s that smell? OH GOD IS THAT—NOOOOOO!!!!!”
When our alien carnivore overlords make these in human shapes, have the courage to laugh before you’re thrown on the grill, earthling.
CURIOUS INDEX, 7/8/2008
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Today prepare to have your mind blown. Phil Steele will be on with us at 8:30 EST on EDSBS Live. If you only listen to one show this entire year, make it this one. Phil Steele was, is, and will remain our last and best hope against Skynet. PHIL! STEELE!
Florida State offensive lineman Evan Bellamy will miss the entire 2008 season with a blood clot in his leg. This takes ten starts off the line’s overall experience tally, thins out an already scanty Seminole line decimated by suspensions for the first three games of the season, and confirms that having a blood clot–medical terminology here–”sucks.” The bone lives, per SMQ, so we’ll assume it’s true. Modified wishbones, flexbones, and triple-options backfields disguised under new formations? It’s 1992 all over again! Home Alone 2! It’s nuts! The Paul Johnson experiment remains a bold one, and one that if successful, will undoubtedbly be copied relentlessly in one adulterated form or another, because if the NFL is the league of imitation, college football is the midgets/giants scenario where one genius thinks of something and fifty other schools half-assedly adopt it as part of their bouillabaise offense. We took out the same ad, but instead of “kiss” we used “kill with our mind.” Don’t make it easy for Georgia fans, Techies. Just don’t. However, this may replace the one joke they can remember about each fanbase, meaning a refreshing change from the usual ARP! ARP! ARP! tickle party jokes. JORTS! ARP! His expectations are a bit low, we think.
“I guess I’ve been on the computer too much playing video games and not going out and meeting people as much as I’d like to,” said McCarty. Now, McCarty spends his college days studying finance and hopefully McCarty will get his happy ending. Oh, sneaking a happy ending joke in there–Fox never fails! A hand job is a modest goal indeed, especially for any college environment, where the low self-esteem, sleep deprivation, and surging hormones insure that even English majors get the occasional night of futon-breaking passion. To be fair, though, a stiff breeze breaks most futons, so save the braggadocio for the time you and your girlfriend forced a fault line to shift or something else of that scale. (HT: Paul and Kyle.) We’ll take the test this morning, and in short, we are frightened if SMQ only got a fifty-five. On the heels of discovering we couldn’t run under six seconds in the forty, June and July are truly becoming the months of enforced humility. (Dodd? 46; Oops Pow? 55. Blogfrica, what!) |
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