Pete Carroll, who really does love every single one of you more than you can ever possibly love yourself, has changed his email address. Are you ready for the most awesome email address ever in the history of the awesome universe? No, you’re not, but that’s how change starts: with pain, discomfort, and great struggle, meaning that lukewarm ground beef burrito you ate? The one you left in the car for a half a day, but on your way home you thought, “Oh, what could have happened to it since lunch?” By the aforementioned metrics, it’s going to put you through immense change later.

Anyway, Pete Carroll’s new email address is alwayscompetecarroll@usc.edu. See, right there? It’s got his name in the word “compete!” YOU CAN’T SPELL COMPETE WITHOUT PETE! This got us thinking, of course, about other personalized coaching emails that needed to be made and reserved. We reprint the list below for your perusal, though you’ll have to guess which ones belong to which coach.

camarodrivingtrimbandit@asu.edu

nobodylovesyoulikeyourmamalovesyoubutwhoslovinyourmamaiamiam@ucla.edu

notwithoutmeyerdaughter@ufl.edu

fetalattraction@cincinnati.edu (on account of the coach looking like a huge infant, natch.)

philledwithpurehoglardandlove@utk.edu.also.custard

ionlywhoopyoucauseiloveyou@michigan.edu

spurrierihardlyknower@usc.edu

thereisnothingfunnyaboutrandyshannon@miami.edu

toxicwastemakesusstrong@rutgers.edu

wouldyouliketoplayagame@berkeley.edu

chrisgetawayFROMTHEDAMNBALL@texas.edu

reconstructivekneesurgeryyourewelcome@auburn.edu

thisemailisbullshit@uk.edu

yesweweartheundiesevenwhenweplay@byu.edu

yousoiledmyascot!@vanderbilt.edu

halfsweaterallman@Tosu.edu

lunchwasanailsandwichandIlikedit@vt.edu

partofthiscompletebreakfast@purdue.edu

betterandbetterandheadbuttingasnackmachine@illinois.edu

arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr@texastech.edu

haveagreatday@lsu.edu

whatthehellisanemailwhyIamItyping@psu.edu

18holesandacloudofdust@uw.edu

tomobrien@ncstate.com

grohklahomawherethewindgoesmehwhaeva@uva.edu

andthisbirdyoucannotchange@colorado.edu

bopelinigomontoya@unl.edu

acceptingpreliminaryoffers@arkansas.edu

stoopstoconquer@oklahoma.edu

stoopsthereitis@arizona.edu

twotimestwentyplusmeequalsman@osu.edu

nowtakingwalkons@louisville.edu

homemovieenthusiast@nd.edu

ivemadeahugemistake@smu.edu

puzzledandsexy@pitt.edu

giggitygiggity@olemiss.edu

onlythemostessentialoilsforthisnight@msstate.edu

schenellygotthatcountrygrammar@fau.edu