CURIOUS INDEX, 7/7/2008

by Orson on Jul 7, 2008 8:23 AM EDT Comment 25 comments

Lou Holtz, you cipher, you. Lou Holtz may truly be the most interesting man alive. Consider an evening out with him: it ends at 9:30, with him tucked into his jammies already and bidding you adieu as he retires to a little bit of military history reading and some chamomile. Are you surprised? Now, consider an evening out with Lou Holtz: you end up with an arms contract to peddle black-market Chinese AK-47s to the FARC and raging drunk off eight bottles of Wild Irish Rose. Surprised?

No, you're not, and that's the point, which is why opening up the South Bend Tribune in digital form this morning and seeing this...

...shouldn't surprise you at all, because nothing should surprise you about Lou Holtz, dear reader. He dines at dawn with the priest shortly before a round of 18 with the local capo. (No word if he, too, thinks UNC stood for "University of Negroes and Communists," but if that isn't the name of a Rapture knock-off band in Chapel Hill, you young Tarheels are falling asleep at the wheel.)

Louisville's magical offseason continues. Trent Guy, a receiver with the enchanted unicorn dancing bear troupe known as the 2008 Louisville Cardinals, continues the sorcery of offseason 2008 for the team by getting shot twice at a Louisville nightclub. The shooting sprung from one person's absolute malfunction of their cost/benefit analysis gland, but that's the way it usually is; ostensibly, one decides to shoot someone after said someone--Guy, 20, who is resting comfortably--grabbed Guy's fiancee "in a disrespectful way."

More on this later. Oh, and Louisville lost another player, Jajuan Spillman, over the past week, too. All the garlic butter in the world can't beef up Louisville's ever-thinning roster at this pace.

In less humorous gun news: Former Marshall football player Donte Newsome, in a similar situation as Louisville's Guy, did not make it out alive. Newsome was gunned down outside a nightclub called "Fluid" in an altercation with someone over something that we're sure was not worth it. Police have a suspect, who too will lose his entire potential and possibility over nothing, with the notable exception that he will have the pleasure of breathing the stale air of captivity, while Newsome is still dead. To describe this all as sad is insult reality with inadequate vocabulary.

Michael Lemon, the subject of much Fulmer Cup scoring debate last week, has been charged with both felony and misdemeanor assault stemming from his beatdown of a fellow UGA student at an apartment party. Makes scoring easy enough now: we give them points for all of it now.

Perhaps it's our shameless boosterism. The SEC: industry lives here! A list of reasons to love the SEC only confirms what you know/think/love/despise about the SEC, which is either that we're more colorful and like Avis Rental car, simply care more; or that we're a bunch of gladhanding rednecks happy to stroke ourselves all day 'bout our football teams 'neath a crumblin' roof with fifteen hungry children a-plowin' in the field. Either way WE RULE WOOOOO CRUMBLIN' ROOF FOOTBALL YAY!!!

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I know it’s a futile argument and a stark reminder of where the government’s real priorities lie, but do indulge me this once… Remind me again why pot’s illegal and booze isn’t?

by Oops Pow Surprise on Jul 7, 2008 8:55 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

This is in re: the shootings of Guy and Newsome, by the way. I’m not a hippie with an agenda.

by Oops Pow Surprise on Jul 7, 2008 8:56 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Tell me anything good that ever happens to someone out and about at 3AM?

RIP

by hobeg8r on Jul 7, 2008 9:10 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Tell me anything good that ever happens to someone out and about at 3AM?

Especially in Newsome’s case…the only thing you can find in Huntington, WV at 3am IS someone to shoot you or a crackwhore who made the “freshman 15” not about weight

by beckett on Jul 7, 2008 9:31 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Orson, you failed to mention the Guy’s friend is a community activist named “Christopher 2X.” That’s hand delivered comedy gold.

by DoubleDawg05 on Jul 7, 2008 9:31 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

We have Lemon Laws in Florida … but I fear they do not address Michael’s situation.

by Sundawg on Jul 7, 2008 9:39 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

DoubleDawg, there’s more on that later.

by Orson Swindle on Jul 7, 2008 9:47 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Can you call Christopher 2x and find out what he is active about in the community? I will henceforth be known as Tricky Dick 2Z

by Tricky Dick on Jul 7, 2008 10:36 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

You gotta be shittin’ me.

by Allahver Fist on Jul 7, 2008 10:55 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

As a Georgia alum, I believe that Lemon should be kicked out of school if the account of the story stands true. With that said, did not a Tennessee player assault someone with a beer keg at a party last year? Not sure the damage done to the victim i that case, but I was wondering what punishment the player received. Just curious. Again, no excuse for what Lemon did and if true he deserves whatever he gets.

by Tatum on Jul 7, 2008 11:14 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Uhhhhhh…Player shot in back twice = comedy gold?
Who wouldn’t get in an altercation if their girlfriend got groped?

UL player shot, in stable condition = funny
Marshall player shot, killed = not funny.

Yes, I am aware that I am being Captain Bringdown,so you don’t need to sprain yourselves pointing it out.

by jon on Jul 7, 2008 11:15 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

“In North Carolina, they put slaw on barbecue and God sent them Jesse Helms as punishment.”

by woooooohooooooooo on Jul 7, 2008 11:24 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

As the board solidifies Lemon’s points, I presume it has re-evaluated Lomax’s recently dropped charges?

by UgasTexan on Jul 7, 2008 11:29 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Them dawgs is hunkerin down! arf! arf! arf!

by NativeSon on Jul 7, 2008 11:32 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

There’s got to be some kind of Kite Runner plot behind the Holtz and Helms relationship. If this wasn’t made for an LSUFreek moving picture show, I don’t know what is.

by Out of Conference on Jul 7, 2008 11:40 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

For example, Holtz has said that he owes a great debt of gratitude to former U.S. President Bill Clinton, Helms’ political opposite, for helping him navigate a tricky spot related to some player suspensions at Arkansas (Clinton was the state’s attorney general at the time). Holtz is an equal-opportunity schmoozer.

Honestly, who did not see the above coming?

At any rate, now that Holtz has returned to his role as Notre Dame Coach Emeritus, and essentially removed his stint in Columbia from his memory, he is a harmless old codger, once again.

Also, Frank Broyles firing someone on a whim. Never saw that one coming.

I wonder if the two play a lot of golf together at the ANGC.

by Coop on Jul 7, 2008 11:46 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

He put the JP/LF Daves at 22 and Uncle Verne at 35? Dismiss this man at once.

by John on Jul 7, 2008 11:47 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

#11

No, Jon, a man named Christopher 2X who is a member of The Nation of Islam who holds a weekly youth group called “The War Zone” = comedy gold. You must have misread my previous post.

by DoubleDawg05 on Jul 7, 2008 11:59 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

tUoOS enters the Fulmer Cup:

http://news.cincinnati.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080706/NEWS01/80706004

I suspect Mr. Clifford is about to be sent packing considering this is incident #2 in the span of eight months, and the first incident was enough for Tressel to suspend him for the BCS championship game.

Also: if you’re underage and in a bar, maybe, just maybe, you don’t want to involve yourself in any bar fight that may occur.

by Yinka Double Dare on Jul 7, 2008 12:05 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

woooooohooooooooo @ 12 – If putting slaw on North Carolina barbeque is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

by DC Trojan on Jul 7, 2008 1:28 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Lou Holtz may truly be the most interesting man alive.

“Thtay thirthty my friendth.”

by WarCardinals on Jul 7, 2008 2:52 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Yeah woohoo @12 (and DC @ 20) – call me a slaw on ’que sammich sinner as well.

by Out of Conference on Jul 7, 2008 3:15 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I have never enjoyed the death of a human being so much. I’ve always said that Jesse Helms could go to hell, and now he’s finally there.

by Lawrence Ross on Jul 7, 2008 7:00 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

By the way, if anyone can send me the address of his grave, I’d appreciate it. I want to make a special trip to piss on it.

by Lawrence Ross on Jul 7, 2008 7:09 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Tatum re: #10

Not that throwing a keg in anger is beyond the average Tennessee frat boy, let alone one of the well-tempered men in orange, but the keg incident you are defensively referring to (bama-style I might add), was in Gainesville.

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