COUNTDOWN: 52
“By the time I was five, I was a little diva.”–Stevie Nicks
July 7, 2008
YOURCOACHSSILLYEMAIL@NOTMAIL.COM
Pete Carroll, who really does love every single one of you more than you can ever possibly love yourself, has changed his email address. Are you ready for the most awesome email address ever in the history of the awesome universe? No, you’re not, but that’s how change starts: with pain, discomfort, and great struggle, meaning that lukewarm ground beef burrito you ate? The one you left in the car for a half a day, but on your way home you thought, “Oh, what could have happened to it since lunch?” By the aforementioned metrics, it’s going to put you through immense change later.
Anyway, Pete Carroll’s new email address is alwayscompetecarroll@usc.edu. See, right there? It’s got his name in the word “compete!” YOU CAN’T SPELL COMPETE WITHOUT PETE! This got us thinking, of course, about other personalized coaching emails that needed to be made and reserved. We reprint the list below for your perusal, though you’ll have to guess which ones belong to which coach.
camarodrivingtrimbandit@asu.edu
nobodylovesyoulikeyourmamalovesyoubutwhoslovinyourmamaiamiam@ucla.edu
notwithoutmeyerdaughter@ufl.edu
fetalattraction@cincinnati.edu (on account of the coach looking like a huge infant, natch.)
A WORD, PLEASE
[firstperson on. never a good sign.]
Okay, so I’m typing along this morning, and notice that not one, but two people mentioned in the Curious Index were involved in shootings. Not the kind of random, snatch-and-grab commodity exchange type of shootings; no, we’re talking direct, intent-to-kill shootings where one person, filled with undefined rage over being “disrespected,” decides to discharge a small piece of metal at high speed in someone’s direction hoping to injure, maim, or kill them.
The act is purely senseless, a classic cocktail of status fear, insecurity, judgment blurred by alcohol, and misbegotten ideas about masculinity mixed with easy availability to cheap, powerful handguns. It happens all the time, but the regularity of an event does not excuse or diminish its petty atrocity, and it shouldn’t. The error in the bystander is, for one instant, touching the live wire of someone’s horrible tragedy for even an instant and realizing its full voltage and magnitude.
I would not, for even an instant, want to assume I understand that kind of loss. I imagine it’s worse than anything I’ve ever experienced, and even then the pain would be indescribable under any terms I have at my command.
I do want to say two quick things, though. (more…)
SO YOU’RE PLANNING TO RUIN A MARATHON
Handing out cups of vinegar is an inspired idea, but a tip for the uninitiated: whole tubes of Astroglide carefully applied to the finish line work very, very well, too.
CURIOUS INDEX, 7/7/2008
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Lou Holtz, you cipher, you. Lou Holtz may truly be the most interesting man alive. Consider an evening out with him: it ends at 9:30, with him tucked into his jammies already and bidding you adieu as he retires to a little bit of military history reading and some chamomile. Are you surprised? Now, consider an evening out with Lou Holtz: you end up with an arms contract to peddle black-market Chinese AK-47s to the FARC and raging drunk off eight bottles of Wild Irish Rose. Surprised? No, you’re not, and that’s the point, which is why opening up the South Bend Tribune in digital form this morning and seeing this…
…shouldn’t surprise you at all, because nothing should surprise you about Lou Holtz, dear reader. He dines at dawn with the priest shortly before a round of 18 with the local capo. (No word if he, too, thinks UNC stood for “University of Negroes and Communists,” but if that isn’t the name of a Rapture knock-off band in Chapel Hill, you young Tarheels are falling asleep at the wheel.) Louisville’s magical offseason continues. Trent Guy, a receiver with the enchanted unicorn dancing bear troupe known as the 2008 Louisville Cardinals, continues the sorcery of offseason 2008 for the team by getting shot twice at a Louisville nightclub. The shooting sprung from one person’s absolute malfunction of their cost/benefit analysis gland, but that’s the way it usually is; ostensibly, one decides to shoot someone after said someone–Guy, 20, who is resting comfortably–grabbed Guy’s fiancee “in a disrespectful way.” More on this later. Oh, and Louisville lost another player, Jajuan Spillman, over the past week, too. All the garlic butter in the world can’t beef up Louisville’s ever-thinning roster at this pace. In less humorous gun news: Former Marshall football player Donte Newsome, in a similar situation as Louisville’s Guy, did not make it out alive. Newsome was gunned down outside a nightclub called “Fluid” in an altercation with someone over something that we’re sure was not worth it. Police have a suspect, who too will lose his entire potential and possibility over nothing, with the notable exception that he will have the pleasure of breathing the stale air of captivity, while Newsome is still dead. To describe this all as sad is insult reality with inadequate vocabulary. Michael Lemon, the subject of much Fulmer Cup scoring debate last week, has been charged with both felony and misdemeanor assault stemming from his beatdown of a fellow UGA student at an apartment party. Makes scoring easy enough now: we give them points for all of it now. Perhaps it’s our shameless boosterism. The SEC: industry lives here! A list of reasons to love the SEC only confirms what you know/think/love/despise about the SEC, which is either that we’re more colorful and like Avis Rental car, simply care more; or that we’re a bunch of gladhanding rednecks happy to stroke ourselves all day ’bout our football teams ‘neath a crumblin’ roof with fifteen hungry children a-plowin’ in the field. Either way WE RULE WOOOOO CRUMBLIN’ ROOF FOOTBALL YAY!!! |
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