This week’s update was to be a placid affair, with little but a Hawggish DWI to interrupt the lazy pace of what seems to be a beach week for everyone…until Georgia Tech came along and had to have a player commit an extremely unfunny crime. Credit for the board to Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson, for the board.

You see, initially it was just going to be a simple DWI for Arkansas, the kind of crime we like to refer to as a “summer classic” here in the Fulmer Cup Season. Freddy Burton, 19, a linebacker for the Razorbacks, goes off and blows a .13 after being pulled over by local cops, earning Arkansas a quick three points, and then we’re out, and Brian doesn’t have to redo the board, and we can go back to shooting rocket launchers at imaginary airplanes in Liberty City in between mugging prostitutes and launching ourselves off overpasses. In other words, doing what we do best in the month of July.

But no, Georgia Tech has to make things both pesky and extremely unfunny at the same time. Cornerback Jerrard Tarrant was arrested for rape and sodomy, two things that are by rule only funny when a clown is involved, meaning Georgia Tech gets on the board with eight points (four for each charge, since both are way, way bad in FC scoring, trumped only by actual murder)

Tarrant has been suspended from the team indefinitely by Paul Johnson pending the results of the investigation. His Facebook page allegedly read: “Jerrard Tarrant is truly MISUNDERSTOOD, when will they see the real me????” Rule one: if accused of a sex crime, Facebook use is verboten. Sincerely, your stroking-out attorney.

Just because they’re attention whores, Georgia decided to respond by having not one, not two, but three football players arrested in the same week for varying degrees of spicy assault. Simple battery–which offensive linemen Justin Anderson and Trinton Sturdivant are charged with–is worth a point by itself, but the plain ol’ battery Michael Lemon got hit with (see what we did there!) may be a three point felony charge, meaning the Bulldogs tentatively earn five points in the Fulmer Cup.

Georgia fans may take solace in the fact that none of them drove with a suspended license in these crimes, a first for the driving regulation-prone Bulldogs. So, at least it’s a different variety of petty Fulmer Cup charge to gnaw on, Bulldog fans.

Update: Yeah, that’s a three-pointer with some stank on it:

The report states Jackson was grilling food when Lemon approached him. Lemon allegedly inquired why Jackson was “talking to his girl”…Jackson told Lemon “he didn’t know what he was talking about” but Lemon continued to question him, the report says…Witnesses, who spoke to The Red & Black, said they saw Lemon turn as if walking away, but then turned back and headed toward Jackson.Jackson was taken to St. Mary’s Hospital and treated for a blowout fracture to the eye. He was released early Sunday. According to medical Web sites, a blowout fracture occurs when the eye suffers significant blunt force trauma, typically from being hit by a baseball bat or getting kicked in the face.

Yes, that’s four SEC teams on the big board. ESS–EEE–SEE SPEEDing drunk through roadblocks.