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Around SBN: Please, Someone Make Bob Sapp Stop Already

CURIOUS INDEX, 7/1/2008

Rich Brooks thinks this boat is bullshit. Rich Brooks is fine despite falling out of a boat and into the McKenzie River on Monday. How tough is Rich Brooks? He swam to "a gravel bar" after the accident. Yes: Rich Brooks is so tough his drink of choice is gravel. This explains so many things we wondered about Brooks.

Beano Cook predicts a Notre Dame championship. Moon orbits earth. Dog licks own taint.

Our favorite part of this clip? Beano Cook braying Mike Hill's attempts to engage in PTI-style aggroconversation into submission by pretending deafness, shooting down his point, and then steamrolling on like the indomitable hunk of Iron City Beer-swilling man he is into a bold prediction of a national title for Notre Dame in the "next four or five years." [/powlus'd!]

"It's a four hour infomercial when you watch Notre Dame." Well, it's inaccurate, since there's no one mixing up smoothies with the same unnecessary, overtaxed kitchen widget they just used to cook a roast. ("The Bladed Hellstorm: The Only Oven that Slices, Burns, and Purees!") If Tom Hammond did the whole broadcast with Berman from the Magic Bullet ad working color, though, we might actually linger on NBC's purgatorial coverage of Notre Dame games long enough to do more than check the score, marvel at Tom Hammond's zeppelin-head in HD, and then run screaming for the safety of ABCspn.

What do Mike Stoops and Robespierre have in common? Answer: it's coming up on the month of Thermidor, and their heads are on the chopping block. From the Tucson Citizen, who produced this article by purchasing three or four preseason mags, checking collegefootballnews.com once, and then copying and pasting the rest.

Mike Stoops' job security and a more explosive offense should be the top story lines for the Arizona football team.

At least that's what the college football preseason magazines are saying.

Stoops, entering his fifth year with the program, has a 17-29 overall record and has yet to reach a bowl game.

"Mike Stoops' job is on the line - will a minor bowl game be enough?" Lindy's asks.

Buzz Bissinger thinks you're full of shit, Tucson Citizen! If you're quoting Lindy's, the Swank magazine of preseason mags, you're officially reaching. There should be citations for this sort of behavior, and the proceeds should go to worthy charities like the IRC, the Red Cross, or the Swindle Drank Fund. (Warning! This beverage may cause one to lean!)

BHGP is all Steve McQueen on that ass. Hawkeye State produces a fine film about Michigan.

Our funeral pyre won't be nearly as glorious. The AJC has pics of UGA VI's funeral, and it truly is nicer than yours will be. A correction, though: you do not see Ray Goff's name on those nameplates in the little corner graveyard at Samford Stadium. Goff rests in a drainage ditch just outside of the main campus, and has declined help for 13 years, choosing to remain in a prone position calmly contemplating the sky in between occasional sips of beer brought to him by kind students.

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I like and appreciate Beano’s loose regard for facts, figures, and accuracy.

by OPS on Jul 1, 2008 9:11 AM EDT reply actions  

UGA does not play in Samford Stadium nor is it Stanford Stadium. It is Sanford Stadium. I don’t go around and refer to the Swamp as Hank Hill Griffin Stadium now do I?

Oh, and 3/5 of our offensive line has been arrested this off season, story at 11.

by Mitch Cumstein on Jul 1, 2008 9:14 AM EDT reply actions  

Re: Rich Brooks – if it walks like a duck and swims like a duck….

Re: Drank Beverage – somebody rush a case of that stuff to Les Miles.

by GamecockTony on Jul 1, 2008 9:21 AM EDT reply actions  

Hank Hill Griffin Stadium would be an awesome name though, I tell ya what…

While I’m on the thought, the funniest quote from that show ever is Cotton walking into the kitchen with everyone and going “sorry I’m late, had to swing by the wax museum and give FDR the finger!!”

by beckett on Jul 1, 2008 9:28 AM EDT reply actions  

Steve Spurrier – the only coach who can whip your ass bad enough for you to forget about coaching and turn your efforts to yummy fast food franchises (see Goff; Zaxby’s).

by Ryno on Jul 1, 2008 9:30 AM EDT reply actions  

Is it just me or has Beano stolen Lou Holtz’s playbook? It could mean more media success for Beano in 2008.

Look for Digger Phelps to get start quaffing a drink made of 2 parts confused and 1 part angry for the 2009 bball season.

by blazin on Jul 1, 2008 9:30 AM EDT reply actions  

Anti-purple drank?

Does Jimmy Johns offer this in a combo?

by dudis41 on Jul 1, 2008 9:43 AM EDT reply actions  

Tom Hammond is the only thing keeping me from buying a huuuuge HD TV. The thought of his pasty face shocking me out of a Saturday morning hangover is just frightening.

by Domer Guy on Jul 1, 2008 9:43 AM EDT reply actions  

I thought Rich Brooks had an ice road accident until I clicked on the link.

Ray Goff owns Zaxby’s, he has done better than when he coached. Or played for that matter.

BHGP warms my heart this week. I never get tired of seeing the pic of our entire line in their backfield.

by Crabapple Buck on Jul 1, 2008 9:43 AM EDT reply actions  

i actually would have been more inclined to watch that video if it actually was footage of the moon orbiting earth or a dog licking its own taint. as it is i skipped over it b/c beano is a fucking beating.

by gerry dorsey on Jul 1, 2008 9:48 AM EDT reply actions  

Georgia’s making their usual July move going into turn three. Look for them to be a challenger.

by Bottagetta on Jul 1, 2008 9:48 AM EDT reply actions  

wait a second crabapple…

do you mean goff owns “A” zaxby’s…or he “OWNS” zaxby’s?!? i don’t take anything dealing with zaxby’s lightly.

by gerry dorsey on Jul 1, 2008 9:49 AM EDT reply actions  

Beano Cook huffs paint.

by paco on Jul 1, 2008 9:55 AM EDT reply actions  

I thought we kept Goff in the bat infested tunnels underneath Sanford Stadium? I didn’t realize we had moved him to a drainage ditch where he could see sunlight.

by Dawg 05 on Jul 1, 2008 9:58 AM EDT reply actions  

The last I heard he operated several Zaxby’s franchises. He doesn’t actualy own Zaxby’s. No man does. The spirit of Zaxby’s is too awesome to be tamed.

 And he also has a rather nice horse farm outside Athens. In other words most of us would trade places with him in a heart beat, Spurrier-led humiliation and all.

by MaconDawg on Jul 1, 2008 9:59 AM EDT reply actions  

“The best friend man has in the world may turn against him and become his worst enemy. His son, or his daughter, that he has reared with loving care may prove ungrateful. Those who are nearest and dearest to us, those whom we trust with our happiness and good name may become traitors to their faith. The money a man has he may lose. It flies away from him, perhaps when he needs it most. A man’s reputation may be sacrificed in a moment of ill-considered action. The people who are prone to fall on their knees when success is with us may be the first to throw the stone of malice when failure settles its cloud upon our head.

The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog. A man’s dog stands by him in prosperity and poverty, in health and in sickness. He will sleep on the cold ground when the wintry winds blow and the snow drives fiercely, if only to be near his master’s side. He will kiss the hand that has no food to offer, he will lick the wounds and sores that come in encounters with the roughness of the world. He guards the sleep of his pauper master as if he were a prince.

When all other friends desert, he remains. When riches take wing, and reputation falls to pieces, he is as constant in his love as the sun in its journey through the heavens.

If fortune dries his master forth, an outcast in the world, friendless and homeless, the faithful dog asks no higher privilege that that of accompanying him against danger, to fight against his enemies. And when that last scene comes, and death takes his master in its embrace and his body is laid away in the cold ground, no matter if all other friends pursue their way, there, by the graveside will the noble dog be found, his head between his paws, his eyes sad, but open in alert watchfulness, faithful, and true, even in death."

Senator Vest, speaking to a jury about Old Drum, shot in 1869.

by Out of Conference on Jul 1, 2008 10:00 AM EDT reply actions  

The photos from the funeral brought tears to my eyes. There isn’t anything in this world better than a great dog.

That’s why I have three small terriers instead of three insignificant others.

by blon57 on Jul 1, 2008 10:05 AM EDT reply actions  

Gerry Dorsey -

At the very least ‘several’ (more than 10). I am not sure if he is just a franchisee or more than that.

by Crabapple Buck on Jul 1, 2008 10:06 AM EDT reply actions  

Brett Mussburger makes Tom Hammond sound like Keith Jackson.

by lawya1 on Jul 1, 2008 10:07 AM EDT reply actions  

I read “Mike Hill” as “Mike Hall”, Dream Job winner, BTN survivor. I was moistened at the thought of Hall smirking his way through an interview with a man whose career has spanned 3 centuries.
It was still good, but less so. Like my first beej.

by jebus on Jul 1, 2008 10:11 AM EDT reply actions  

God damnit Beano.

by Andy on Jul 1, 2008 10:14 AM EDT reply actions  

Brett Mussburger makes Tom Hammond sound like Keith Jackson.

that doesn’t really clear anything up…

by AllWhoYonder on Jul 1, 2008 10:14 AM EDT reply actions  

I don’t know about Goff’s status relative to the Zaxby’s corporation, but I myself am planning on pwn1ng a plate of Zaxby’s chicken fingers this very evening.

by Doug on Jul 1, 2008 10:32 AM EDT reply actions  

you don’t pwn a plate of zaxby’s chicken fingers…they pwn you.

by gerry dorsey on Jul 1, 2008 10:34 AM EDT reply actions  

This sounds suspiciously like an urban meyer recruting phone call.

http://my.break.com/content/view.aspx?ContentID=527579

by crane on Jul 1, 2008 10:39 AM EDT reply actions  

I couldn’t even make it through the whole thing. Beano Cook should be humanely euthanized, since he is now only a strain to the american economy. Quote of the clip…"They now get seven games and then a eighth game…’ Simply amazing commentary there.

by Wes on Jul 1, 2008 11:05 AM EDT reply actions  

Goff co-owns multiple Zaxby’s in south Georgia.

He was not one of the original founders of the restaurant chain, i.e.. those whom you have to compensate to open up your own franchise, he merely has his hand in several franchises.

So, you know, free Kickin’ Chicken sandwiches, which is always nice, yet ridiculously fattening.

by Coop on Jul 1, 2008 11:06 AM EDT reply actions  

@ 25 – The first message kind of started off like a Scott Van Pelt message.

by Paul on Jul 1, 2008 11:13 AM EDT reply actions  

If I enjoyed free Kickin’ Chicken sandwiches and Wings & Things platters, I would succumb to heart failure in under a year. Or perhaps start clucking and scratching the ground for worms.

by MaconDawg on Jul 1, 2008 11:16 AM EDT reply actions  

http://uga.rivals.com/content.asp?CID=823044

Oh, and Georgia alleged man on woman aggression threadjack.

“…allegedly touching a pregnant woman.”

The UGA student newspaper, The Red & Black, quoted an Athens-Clarke County police report which stated "Lemon allegedly punched (the victim) five times and that Lemon’s friends “huddled” around the player as he was punching the victim."

by Coop on Jul 1, 2008 11:17 AM EDT reply actions  

<a href="http://www.blogger.com/’>and the Georgia Bulldogs are making a push for the Big Board . . .

by ConstantlyBuzzed on Jul 1, 2008 11:22 AM EDT reply actions  

Yeah, like you never walked up to a pregnant woman, touched her stomach and asked how far along she was?

Of course, when you did it you weren’t a 320 pound offensive tackle in a darkened breezeway late at night, but still . . .

by MaconDawg on Jul 1, 2008 11:26 AM EDT reply actions  

  1. (Wes): That was seven home games and an eighth at a neutral site, all televised by NBC. Though I can understand why that wasn’t clear – after all, Beano’s so off his rocker that assuming he doesn’t know what he’s talking about is usually safe.

by SpartanDan on Jul 1, 2008 11:27 AM EDT reply actions  

Notre Dame offense: Set it and forget it!

by Grimey on Jul 1, 2008 11:50 AM EDT reply actions  

And just to be clear, Coop, I think you may be conflating two separate incidents. Two players touched a pregnant woman’s stomach, a different player punched a guy five times at a BBQ for talking to the player’s girlfrind. Pretty big dstinction, I think.

by MaconDawg on Jul 1, 2008 11:53 AM EDT reply actions  

Oh, and I should clarify for those who did not click on the link:

The touching of the pregnant woman, nice usage of vagueness, is not the same incident as the information regarding Lemon.

Lemon just allegedly beat the crap out of a guy in a separate incident.

by Coop on Jul 1, 2008 12:01 PM EDT reply actions  

Somewhere, silently, Auburn receiver Robert Baker sits and twists the ends of his sinister mustache with one hand, while carving the words “SWEET REVENGE” in his chest with the other…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foGHh14uvKk

by Excuse me Stewardess, but I speak jive on Jul 1, 2008 12:02 PM EDT reply actions  

Beano.
“Beano is a natural food enzyme dietary supplement that can help prevent gas before it starts.”

Ironic ain’t it?

by NativeSon on Jul 1, 2008 12:04 PM EDT reply actions  

Hey swindle, thanks for getting me to Google “Swank Magazine” while I was at work.

by Geese on Jul 1, 2008 12:23 PM EDT reply actions  

@ #3:

It must be a WITCH! BURN HER!

by UgasTexan on Jul 1, 2008 12:44 PM EDT reply actions  

Damn this thread and the associations it’s forming in my head… touching pregnant women’s stomachs has got me thinking about a a Wings N Things platter from Zaxby’s to share with my dog.

Of course Alhver Fist or Gerry Dorsey will be around in a minute to calibrate the associations in my head to read, "Rub Zax’s sauce all over a pregnant woman’s stomach and make love to her Snoop style.

by Out of Conference on Jul 1, 2008 1:50 PM EDT reply actions  

Somebody took Beano’s cane and hooked it on a ceiling fan. It is currently spinning round and round, far out of reach from his pudgy hands, which pisses him off. When Beano gets pissed, he eats an assload of meat, drinks a fifth of scotch and gets a hunkering to go on ESPN and talk about Notre Dame. ESPN cordially obliges, because Beano has all the nukes and isn’t afraid to fucking use them.

by Jesus on Jul 1, 2008 2:47 PM EDT reply actions  

SpartanDan- ah much easier when a sane human being explains it. I stand by my claim that Beano needs to be humanely euthanized because he is about as useful as the pit bull with heartworms that has been at the shelter for two weeks.

by Wes on Jul 1, 2008 3:02 PM EDT reply actions  

If I was being interviewed by Steven A Smith, uh, I mean Mike Hill, I would ignore him as well. After the question about the NBA draft I bet they went on to discuss NaS’s new album. You have to take Beano with a grain of salt…some lime and a liter of tequila. 2 shots for all the Heisman Trophies Ron Powlus won.

by MV3 on Jul 1, 2008 3:37 PM EDT reply actions  

I’m clearly the outlier on this one — but I thought (and think) Beano is actually rather insightful on a number of issues.

Even in this interview he provides good analysis of the contract explaining the ability of NBC to get 7 home and one neutral site primetime games and the fact that (in his opinion) Notre Dame is likely to return to prominence. Judging by their weakening schedule and above average recruiting I don’t believe that’s an unjustifiable opinion — of course his assertion they could win a national title in 5 years is downright looney tunes.

That said, I really enjoy listening to Beano on the Herd or other ESPN programming and I think its too bad he’s become a punchline due to Powlus, fatness and oldness. If you actually listen to his analysis he frequently provides some decent insight assuming you can make it through the requisite “hey you, kid, get off my lawn” part of his diatribe.

by Slow, Fat and White on Jul 2, 2008 8:40 AM EDT reply actions  

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