CAL GETS NEW UNIS. BEARS!

by Orson on Jul 1, 2008 3:40 PM EDT

New uniforms popping up like bad mold has become a more frequent feature of the offseason than we'd really like, what with the need for programs feeling like they "need to create some buzz" meeting the licensed apparel provider's need to "sell more shit." Thus you get the hellspawn of designers let loose to defecate on classic uniforms, or even worse, to create new and ever more cancerous manifestations of Oregon's uniforms, which at this point are really just autonomous lifeforms designed to feed on sweat and dead skin cells while replicating themselves in shocking, eye-scorching variations

Cal's new uniforms feature "bear claw-esque slashes around the neckline," indicating to us that you've been attacked by bears, and are not the bear doing the attacking. Do this with Baylor, and we're not thinking twice, since being mauled has been an integral part of Baylor football for years now. Do it for a team located in the Bay Area, and we're thinking one thing and one thing only.

BEARS! (Warning: is so gay Rufus Wainwright doesn't watch it without blast goggles.)

Your brain was lacking in scar tissue, anyway. It's tougher now. Trust us. The bleeding from the ears will stop after a few minutes. If it doesn't, call someone you love and tell them all those things you've been holding back from them. You don't have much time.

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Orson,

On the day you introduce me to Drank, The Onion AV Club does a review… coincidence?

http://www.avclub.com/content/feature/taste_test_drank

by DoubleDawg05 on Jul 1, 2008 3:43 PM EDT reply actions

I’m going to drink a gallon of bleach now, thanks O.

by Oops Pow Surprise on Jul 1, 2008 3:49 PM EDT reply actions

The real Orson Swindle has made an appearance in the msm. I didn’t know he was that well-known.

http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/07/01/clark-stands-by-his-mccain-remarks/

by Oops Let's Punt on Jul 1, 2008 3:52 PM EDT reply actions

Come on OPS – not even bleach is going to clean you up after that…

what are we talking about?

by beauford @ theonlygamethatmatters on Jul 1, 2008 3:54 PM EDT reply actions

The scariest part is that they may have contributed to a gene pool.

by hobeg8r on Jul 1, 2008 3:55 PM EDT reply actions

Thanx, Orson, for doing your part to combat skyrocketing nightmare-fuel costs. Your exploratory efforts have brought us this major new energy source, which should lower prices and dramatically lessen our dependence on foreign nightmare-fuel suppliers in the Middle East.

by Doug on Jul 1, 2008 4:02 PM EDT reply actions

I was planning to go up to Berkeley to see my Spartans play at Cal opening weekend. Anyone have a steel plated chastity belt I can borrow?

by Derrick on Jul 1, 2008 4:03 PM EDT reply actions

Must now find cyanide pills. Thanks, Orson.

by Signal to Noise on Jul 1, 2008 4:07 PM EDT reply actions

Gayness warning completely insufficient. In future, please avoid usage of the PG-13 equivalent of such warnings when NC-17 level sirens are necessary.

[chugs gallon of drank to avoid going bear]

by Eirishis on Jul 1, 2008 4:18 PM EDT reply actions

Orson,

I’m writing this in Braille because I’ve just gorged my eyes out. You will owe me for the medical expenses. You’ve also made me rethink the universal Cal cry…

Go Bears!

by Lawrence Ross on Jul 1, 2008 4:25 PM EDT reply actions

That is possibly the gayest thing ever posted here. And that’s saying a lot…….

by Last Dragon on Jul 1, 2008 4:26 PM EDT reply actions

unlike two girls one cup, I couldn’t make it to the end of that.

by Plastic Paddy on Jul 1, 2008 4:36 PM EDT reply actions

Wow, who knew SEC fans could sing and dance so well?

by MV3 on Jul 1, 2008 4:40 PM EDT reply actions

I think I’m very glad I can’t watch youtube at work…

by oc phil on Jul 1, 2008 4:43 PM EDT reply actions

this guy related to the treesitters? probably.

by fife in the bay on Jul 1, 2008 4:49 PM EDT reply actions

excellent. i’m heading to san fran in a few days, so i suppose this will help my conditioning.

i’ll actually be staying with two of these “bears” so i’ll report back about whether they are always this interesting.

by adam on Jul 1, 2008 4:50 PM EDT reply actions

Dumpster Muffin just loooooves that video.

by yoyofutbawl on Jul 1, 2008 4:50 PM EDT reply actions

Is that Mark Schlereth as the Bear (woof, woof)?

If you even made it to the Bear you deserve praise.

by reggiehammond on Jul 1, 2008 4:54 PM EDT reply actions

@adam

i term “bear” in SF might have a different meaning than presented above. my advice, dont go lookin for bears in the castro, unless thats your thing, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

by fife in the bay on Jul 1, 2008 5:02 PM EDT reply actions

jake i mean “the term bear” not “i” no more drank for me, thanks.

by fife in the bay on Jul 1, 2008 5:03 PM EDT reply actions

Looks like somebody at Cal needs to add The Magnificent Seven to the Netflix list.

Villager #1: There’s one – look at the scars on his face!
Villager #2: The man for us is the one who GAVE him that face.
Yul: You learn fast.

In this case, Villager #1 is pointing to Cal, and Villager #2 is pointing to USC.

by ChemE93 on Jul 1, 2008 5:03 PM EDT reply actions

“Bear… Bearfucker! Do you need assistance?”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcMR12-H5d4

by CockofAges on Jul 1, 2008 5:49 PM EDT reply actions

Cheesecake better come awful damn early this week to make up for that!

by beckett929 on Jul 1, 2008 6:27 PM EDT reply actions

Dude…

by ClwFLGator on Jul 1, 2008 11:02 PM EDT reply actions

What the…?

by sb on Jul 2, 2008 10:26 AM EDT reply actions

at first, i didn’t know who the bears were.
then i realized, and i thought it was a Cal thing.
then i saw the bear.
frightening.
gay.

/happy to live in a state w/ real bears so nobody runs around in the woods like that.

by dawgaddict on Jul 2, 2008 10:57 AM EDT reply actions

Orson,
Just for posting this, I’m sending our tree-sitting hippies down to the ATL to throw bags of urine & feces at you from that stately elm in front of the Swindle compound. Mommy make the bad blogger stop!!

by Growwler on Jul 2, 2008 12:37 PM EDT reply actions