No radio tonight, campers.  Our fearless leader is stalking [NAME REDACTED] with a crossbow and a kettlebell through the wilds of Middle America.  In exchange, please accept this video of Darth Vader, harmonica virtuoso, with our compliments.

Oh, like you never thought of this as a kid.

Anton Chigurh: What’s the most you ever lost on a coin toss.

Gas Station Proprietor: Sir?

Anton Chigurh: The most. You ever lost. On a coin toss.

Gas Station Proprietor: I don’t know. I couldn’t say.

[Chigurh flips a quarter from the change on the counter and covers it with his hand]

Anton Chigurh: Call it.

Gas Station Proprietor: Call it?

Anton Chigurh: Yes.

Gas Station Proprietor: For what?

Anton Chigurh: Just call it.

Gas Station Proprietor: Well, we need to know what we’re calling it for here.

Anton Chigurh: You need to call it. I can’t call it for you. It wouldn’t be fair.

Gas Station Proprietor: I didn’t put nothin’ up.

Anton Chigurh: Yes, you did. You’ve been putting it up your whole life you just didn’t know it.

New uniforms popping up like bad mold has become a more frequent feature of the offseason than we’d really like, what with the need for programs feeling like they “need to create some buzz” meeting the licensed apparel provider’s need to “sell more shit.” Thus you get the hellspawn of designers let loose to defecate on classic uniforms, or even worse, to create new and ever more cancerous manifestations of Oregon’s uniforms, which at this point are really just autonomous lifeforms designed to feed on sweat and dead skin cells while replicating themselves in shocking, eye-scorching variations

Cal’s new uniforms feature “bear claw-esque slashes around the neckline,” indicating to us that you’ve been attacked by bears, and are not the bear doing the attacking. Do this with Baylor, and we’re not thinking twice, since being mauled has been an integral part of Baylor football for years now. Do it for a team located in the Bay Area, and we’re thinking one thing and one thing only.

BEARS! (Warning: is so gay Rufus Wainwright doesn’t watch it without blast goggles.)

Your brain was lacking in scar tissue, anyway. It’s tougher now. Trust us. The bleeding from the ears will stop after a few minutes. If it doesn’t, call someone you love and tell them all those things you’ve been holding back from them. You don’t have much time.

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Penn State blogger and zombie aficionado Run Up The Score. He doesn’t choose Changes In Attitudes, Changes in Latitudes for the answer to the dreaded Jimmy Buffett Challenge, and for this we salute him already. Enjoy.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Hunting jacket orange, the unofficial color of Pennsyltucky and Penn State fans who either forget or refuse to wear blue and white. Orange like the sunset of Joe Paterno’s coaching career at Penn State, which by practically all accounts seems destined to end after the 2008 season. Orange like the brilliant dawn of both the post-AnthonyMorelli era at quarterback and offensive [sic] coordinator [sic] Jay Paterno’s “Spread HD” offense. “HD”, presumably, an abbreviation for “Hilariously Disasterous.”

The last time Joe Pa had horses on offense: either 1994, or in his immortal quadri-car race with Bobby Bowden.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Canada, whenever. Always present but only occasionally entertaining. Happily and drunkenly punching around the periphery of relevance, desperately in need of a rival to provide moments of passion.(We respectfully disagree, sirs. Yours, the Canadian Foreign Ministry-ed.) (more…)

This week’s update was to be a placid affair, with little but a Hawggish DWI to interrupt the lazy pace of what seems to be a beach week for everyone…until Georgia Tech came along and had to have a player commit an extremely unfunny crime. Credit for the board to Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson, for the board.

You see, initially it was just going to be a simple DWI for Arkansas, the kind of crime we like to refer to as a “summer classic” here in the Fulmer Cup Season. Freddy Burton, 19, a linebacker for the Razorbacks, goes off and blows a .13 after being pulled over by local cops, earning Arkansas a quick three points, and then we’re out, and Brian doesn’t have to redo the board, and we can go back to shooting rocket launchers at imaginary airplanes in Liberty City in between mugging prostitutes and launching ourselves off overpasses. In other words, doing what we do best in the month of July.

But no, Georgia Tech has to make things both pesky and extremely unfunny at the same time. Cornerback Jerrard Tarrant was arrested for rape and sodomy, two things that are by rule only funny when a clown is involved, meaning Georgia Tech gets on the board with eight points (four for each charge, since both are way, way bad in FC scoring, trumped only by actual murder)

Tarrant has been suspended from the team indefinitely by Paul Johnson pending the results of the investigation. His Facebook page allegedly read: “Jerrard Tarrant is truly MISUNDERSTOOD, when will they see the real me????” Rule one: if accused of a sex crime, Facebook use is verboten. Sincerely, your stroking-out attorney.

Just because they’re attention whores, Georgia decided to respond by having not one, not two, but three football players arrested in the same week for varying degrees of spicy assault. Simple battery–which offensive linemen Justin Anderson and Trinton Sturdivant are charged with–is worth a point by itself, but the plain ol’ battery Michael Lemon got hit with (see what we did there!) may be a three point felony charge, meaning the Bulldogs tentatively earn five points in the Fulmer Cup.

Georgia fans may take solace in the fact that none of them drove with a suspended license in these crimes, a first for the driving regulation-prone Bulldogs. So, at least it’s a different variety of petty Fulmer Cup charge to gnaw on, Bulldog fans.

Update: Yeah, that’s a three-pointer with some stank on it:

The report states Jackson was grilling food when Lemon approached him. Lemon allegedly inquired why Jackson was “talking to his girl”…Jackson told Lemon “he didn’t know what he was talking about” but Lemon continued to question him, the report says…Witnesses, who spoke to The Red & Black, said they saw Lemon turn as if walking away, but then turned back and headed toward Jackson.Jackson was taken to St. Mary’s Hospital and treated for a blowout fracture to the eye. He was released early Sunday. According to medical Web sites, a blowout fracture occurs when the eye suffers significant blunt force trauma, typically from being hit by a baseball bat or getting kicked in the face.

Yes, that’s four SEC teams on the big board. ESS–EEE–SEE SPEEDing drunk through roadblocks.

What’s coming in the mail to slow our roll this week, courtesy of the good people at Drank? Oh, you clever devils, you, you guessed correctly.

In the mail. The street legal kind, of course.

Consider our roll slowed, lawya.