“That’s the whole trouble. You can’t ever find a place that’s nice and peaceful, because there isn’t any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you’re not looking, somebody’ll sneak up and write “Fuck you” right under your nose.”
Teams: there are a lot of them. North Carolina is one of them, here previewed by Mike of Tarheel Mania, a man who thanks to years of John Bunting appreciates a good mustache like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed appreciates a good waterboarding. Enjoy.
Tailgunner Spongebob says UNC is lookin’ up.One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:
1. SpongeBob Yellow. This is to say that we are highly optimistic (and ready…and ready…) about our situation and potential despite the fact that, given the complete picture, things aren’t as hot as we believe. Nevertheless, SpongeBob is a very happy invertebrate. It’s all about perspective. And if all goes awry, we’ll just deploy the Conch Signal to Roy Williams come November. Tyler Hansbrough kinda looks like a fish anyway.
Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now? (more…)
According to the Charleston Gazette, the Fulmer Cup scoreboard is due for a major correction in the case of Kendall Washington, the redshirt freshman wide receiver who broke, entered, and feloniously assaulted a man in putting the ‘Eers on top…for a hot minute, that is, since Washington wasn’t even on the team.
This was evidently a point of confusion for more than just your average sloppy blogger:
According to the story, “it’s unclear what this means for his football future at West Virginia University, where the 6-foot-2, 192-pound Washington was in the mix to be a receiver for the nationally ranked Mountaineers this season.”
Uh, not exactly. Yes, Washington was a member of the Mountaineer football team last season. He even caught a 4-yard touchdown pass in the spring game from backup QB Jarrett Brown.
There was additional confusion with the listed rosters for West Virginia, as well; Yahoo had him, then didn’t have him, Rivals didn’t have him, and so on into mediocre confusion, etcetera. Consider all of the points for Washington’s offense removed from WVU’s record, thus returning them to their prior total of nineteen points.
Additional revisions: Georgia’s Clint Boling had a DUI reduced to reckless driving, meaning his ability to convince the judge he was merely “operating a vehicle in a frisky fashion” and not “driving drunk” equals a reduction of one point for UGA. In response to emailers: Jeremy Lomax’s weapons charge has already been removed from the total, and should be correct. If not, we will penalize other teams for no good reason and even things up in the second half.
…but we fear the swift, rocket-propelled retribution that would result from our insolence. We suggest you do the same when you gander at these photos of Rey Maualuga.
Hey man what’s that on the road?
Friend, It’s Dr. Miles Freakout Train carrying its load!
Dr. Miles Freakout Train has arrived.
(more…)
Les Miles loves him some Snoop Dogg, and vice versa. Any man who came up with WBLZ would have some admiration for The Mad Hatter, wouldn’t he?
Snoop Dogg and Les Miles both admire having balls, no matter where they are anatomically.
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Damn you, youtube banditos. Had we not been busy researching our important upcoming paper on mesenchymal stem cells*, we would have been all over it. Apologies–that was Myron Rolle, not us. We were busy, really. Getting Nico Bellic laid doesn’t happen all by itself, you know. It requires calling a virtual woman on an virtual phone, who then will go get hammered with you at a bar at 12:30 on a weekday afternoon, and will then tell you that you are “special,” either meaning the video game is praising your character’s sexual prowess, or calling him retarded. Perhaps we are retarded: not checking Red Dirt Kings for one day cost us watching a video of Josh Jarboe popping lines like this in a cadence best described as “Federline’d”: If she want a barbecue I put my meat up on her grill. As RDK points out, he’s not the original playa from the himalaya, and will never be judging from the somewhat constipated flow. You may ask, “Lawya please, what do you know about rap?” We’re white: who knows more about bad rap than a white guy, we ask? No one. As a race, we’ve been failing spectacularly in this field for years, and we may be cited individually as experts in inept hip-hop recitation. Science backs us up since you may still watch the video of the red-dreaded Jarboe bustin’ here, and observe the only guy who rocks out to Jarboe’s electrifying soliloquy in the background:
Correct: that’s Jabob’s Ladder Fred Durst back there. QEDMF. (Red Dirt Kings also points us to the new Johnsonville Brat-Burger. Your heart just hiccuped a little looking at that word.) Speaking of hiccups: Life becomes stranger than fiction would care to make it at a rate equal to Time passing multiplied by Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Exhibit J, as in Jacksonville State, may be found here. Catch Lefevour. Achingly bad punnery abounds when Dan Lefevour comes up. Catch the…um…illness. We regret the error. All those responsible have been sacked, and those responsible for the sacking have been sacked. In addition to being wrong on the fumble call against Ohio State in the Illinois game, the Big Ten ref heading the crew had a “history of bankruptcy, casino gambling, child abuse and allegations of sexual harassment,” meaning he is unsuitable for collegiate officiating, but has a definite future in public service. Hey, if you’re really good, you can have your own signed Beanie Wells jersey! Seized from your house by the Feds! He likes to win. Houston Nutt’s new press guide for Ole Miss is typically modest. Oh, sure, it’s a fark, but you wouldn’t be surprised. *Oh, come now. You and we both know this is Florida State code for “The Physics of Gas Siphoning.” To be fair, it is a much more lucrative field currently than blogging. |
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“Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily.”
Jeffri Chadiha on ESPN today wins the prize for asinine Brett Favre-centered rhetoric taken to a new, inaccurate, and fatheaded extreme. When discussing
“To me, Joe Paterno is the Brett Favre of college football.”
To us, peanut butter is the Brett Favre of condiments. Now, jelly is Tom Brady, because he’s smooth, but not like the Brett Favre of flowering trees, the Tulip Poplar, which is kind of like the A-Rod of small African Countries like Burkina Faso, which is nothing like Blue Diamond Rice/Almond Crackers, which are the Bret Favre of snack crackers FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE .
Favre.
Oh, excuse me. I should have locked the door. No, it’s okay. You just caught me working out with my shirt off, that’s all. It gets so hot, you know, that I have to take it off or I get the whole thing sweaty. If you’re comfortable with it, I’ll just keep it off.
You don’t mind? I’m pleased to hear that. (more…)
Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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