EDITOR’S NOTE: The name of Illinois’ coach appears in the following due to artistic license. Apologies.

Textin’. Winnin’. Lovin’. Gotta bench, gotta get better, gotta compete. Can’t win without competin’. Can’t compete without work. Can’t work without arms. Can’t have arms without a body, and you can’t have a body without legs. That’s why Captain here’s doing squats during this interview right now.

LOOK AT THE FORM! AAAIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (Pistol squats 350 pounds, texts recruit with his toes using a 1983 cell phone the size of a mailbox.)

Gotta get the students into it. Get ‘em excited. We’re all excited but we’re not excited enough. Excitement means excitement times excitement divided by excitement. Get ‘em some towels. Loving me some towels. Worked in Pittsburgh. Drunk Yinzers puking. Towels. Hurling on each other. Women punching women punching men punching mules. Punching.

Alcohol poisoning. Excited, then football, then alcohol poisoning. Clean up with the towels. Wave ‘em around and get puke all over the place. Excitement. That’s what we’re looking for here.

Excitement. Towels. Punching Mules.

GOTTA FIND A FIREHOSE OF EXCITEMENT FOR ILLINOIZE BABEE!!!! (Shoots caffeine into eyeballs with aerosol injector)

All them towels gettin’ me excited. Too excited. Don’t look. Violates human resource codes. That’s off the record and no pictures. Gotta get new pants. Too much coach for the shorts. Excited!

SOOOOOOOO ENERGETIC!!!!! JUICE WILLIAMS AAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! THE ZOOKER IS ROLLIN, BABEEEEE!!! IN THE ZOOOOOOOOK ZOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!!

(Tears phone book in half, dips it in barrel of Ben-Gay, eats it, punches hole in wall and leaves.)