No nudists or plushies in the stands, please. UCF bans drinking after kickoff because fans, perfectly content to drink outside in the parking lot, failed to fill the stadium to administration’s specs last season while engaging in “alternative activities” in the parking lot.

“We want people to enjoy the game once kickoff starts . . . not to be outdoors engaging in alternative behaviors,” said athletic department spokesman Joe Hornstein.

A vicious picture of debauchery, that UCF parking lot. Gimps, please park in lot D. Cosplay fetishists, please do not bring your outfits inside, and all voltage freaks remember rubber shoes are required for proper grounding. Nudists, for the last time, please remember you are welcome in the stadium, but put a goddamn towel down, will you?


Plushies will ruin a football game.

He forgives them all. Tim Tebow is less popular than pornography. Oh, yeah? What has porn ever done for the Philippines, huh? Exactly what it does for Americans, basically? Oh, that’s quite a lot. Comments redacted.

It remains division one football! Colorado’s attendance for summer workouts is pushing triple digits, which predictably has Dan Hawkins ALL-CAPS EXCITED.

“I think the biggest improvement is in the whole team chemistry and morale,” he said. “Guys are picking themselves up through the workouts. You don’t have guys bending over so much anymore and guys aren’t really pouting so much. I think guys are really working hard through the workouts and I
think that’s awesome.”

Good to know the days of Colorado bending over and pouting the whole time are over–you just hate it when a partner’s like that. The Buffs have not huddled once in 7-on-7 drills, meaning their offense, if not massively effective this fall, will at least be very annoying for defenses. That’s got to count for something.

Correction: that is Cody, not Dan Hawkins, saluting the lack of bending over. Arigato, Allbuffs.

ATV ads all look the same after a while. The SEC Network remains a distinct possibility, according to Mike Slive. Subcranial antenna plan not available yet, but when it comes online, they’ll sell out within hours. An SEC fan would suggest there will be none of the tussling and dick-measuring contests that ensued with the Big Ten network, but this means there will be exactly the kind of tussling, but possibly worse since the demand will be even greater in the Southeast for such a network. If you doubt this, try to reconcile a billing issue with Comcast yourself, and you will taste the kind of fire we’re talking about.

Doug has you nodding like Alberto Gonzales at a White House Staff Meeting, baby, at his Dennis Miller preview.