Drinks are on Croom! Sylvester Croom signed a new contract for four years at $1.7 million dollars on Friday. The salary makes him the second highest paid person in Mississippi, as he still trails catfish sexer and Tunica blackjack dealer Edwin “Stumpy” McKettridge in net income. When asked for comment, Croom spoke and cracked a levee with his thunderous voice, leaving the coach to conduct the rest of the press conference with hand gestures indicating he was rich, hanging loose, feeling “o.k.”, and was number one in some fashion he could not clearly articulate.

The money seems like a lot of coin for a program so strapped for cash that Croom, in addition to teaching a few advanced agronomy classes, also serves as head cheerleader for the pep squad.

It’s a sign, Phyllis! The picturesque live oaks at Toomer’s Corner in Auburn are ailing thanks to a number of factors, including both the tradition of bombarding the oaks with toilet paper after victories and the love tap a local inflicted a few years ago with his truck:

Despite signs of decline over the past decade, the trees are surviving. The larger tree is bouncing back from a gaping wound sustained a few years ago when a truck crashed into it.

How someone hits one of the four major landmarks in Auburn is beyond us, unless there was some kind of blood atonement or revenge going on. “A live oak KILLED MY DADDY DAMMIT! (rrrrrrreeeeevvvvv….) The practice of rolling the trees is not helping, and may have to be stopped to preserve the health of the trees, showing that local authorities have not seen The Happening and obviously doesn’t understand the threat our leafy silent enemies present to humanity.

On the positive side for Alabama fans: it’s a sign! Bear’s pissin’ on ‘em from heaven! The streak ends now!

Pat Hill and Fresno State turned down $1 million dollars offered to move their upcoming game against Wisconsin in Fresno to Lambeau Field. Pat Hill explained the refusal by saying the game means too much to the program and the community to move to a neutral site, and then tore ass on his kickass Harley westward into a vermillion-shaded sunset.

Drama hasn’t used this little soap since the Hundred Years’ War. More hippies, trees, and hippies in trees from the still-lingering Cal tree standoff.

Danario Alexander, the Joint Whisperer. Mizzou wideout Alexander, who will miss the opening of the season with a leg injury, speaks from his very bones:

“I won’t listen to my head,” Alexander said. “I won’t listen to my heart. I’ll listen to my leg.”

Alexander’s legs are the most eloquent joints you’ll ever hear. Sublimity lives in their slightest creaks and croaks.