Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Ryan and Mark, who author the proudly agricultural and technical Auburn blog The Auburner True to form, we think they beat any preview we would write about Auburn by a field goal.


Lil Wayne’s wrong, man: YOU’RE THE BEAST, TUBS! From the Tuberville classics thread.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

We have two colors. Green and black. Our offense is green, because they are completely unproven: new offensive coordinator, new quarterback(s), and a completely new offensive scheme. Our defense is black because they are the mark of death for all who oppose and this will remain so no matter how many defensive coordinators we give to Texas.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

USA, present day. Chosen mostly because we don’t know history (we’re engineers).
Auburn has traditionally relied on a strong defense as the key to their gameplan. A defense centric gameplan has kept the world’s superpowers, like the former Soviet Union and Florida, in check. However, rare yet devastating losses to smaller teams have caused problems for Auburn in recent years. Switching to the spread offense will place focus on quick scoring capabilities – or preemptive strikes, if you will. Will this work? It’s hard to say at this point. No matter the outcome, Tuberville has expressed no intent of ending Auburn’s occupation of Tuscaloosa anytime soon.

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

QB Kodi Burns: We want this guy so desperately to live up to his potential. He is lightning fast and can throw the ball out of the stadium if he wanted to. If he can get the timing down with the receivers and truly become a full-fledged dual-threat quarterback, Auburn will win the SEC Championship (aka National Championship).

Some video of Burns at work in the new Tony Franklin Flexin’ Mumme attack. Judging from the spring game, he will not throw an incompletion all year and is untackleable. We think this is a fair judgment you may extend from the spring game unto infinity. Also: what’s with the song? Non sequitur city, sirs.)

CB Jerraud Powers: Just don’t pass the ball. It’s that simple. If the ball is thrown to the same side of the field as Mr. Powers, you’ll be thankful if it merely falls incomplete. Chances are he will either intercept it, or worse yet, the receiver will catch it and thus be immediately added to JP’s “Oh yes, I can hit too” highlight reel.

LB Tray Blackmon: Just don’t run the ball. In fact, keep all your players as close to the sideline as possible and give the paramedics a well deserved break from cleaning up the carnage left by this wrecking ball with orange and blue stripes.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

@ West Virginia (Oct. 23): Not only will you watch this because it’s a Thursday Night game, but it will also potentially feature two top ten teams striving to make an out-of-conference BCS statement. It’s time for Auburn to make the SEC look good as opposed to last year’s catastrophe against South Florida.

Vs. Georgia (Sept. 20): Auburn was supposed to get revenge on Georgia last season for embarrassing us the year before, however Georgia had a “black out” and spanked Auburn mercilessly. This year we’ll try to do more of that revenge stuff, only this time actually win. The rumor is that Auburn will take the field wearing orange jerseys… only to rip them off revealing their standard home jerseys. That’s right. The REVERSE GIMMICK GIMMICK. It’s the most gimmicky gimmick in the book, and Auburn shall pull it off perfectly.

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

Vs. Tennessee-Martin (Nov. 8): This is simply an off week in between Ole Miss and Georgia. Don’t be fooled! It’s not a real game!

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

It’s not so much that we forget to bring all the right weapons, because our belt is completely loaded with some sweet, almost unnecessarily cool gizmos. Our issue is that we forget to bring the instruction manual and sometimes tend to spray the “Bat-Mace” right back into our own eyes. We’ll get you next time Mississippi State… Next tiiiiiiiiime!


Croom’d!

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious–do it.

“Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes.” Why? Because it’s the only song I found on Wikipedia by Jimmy Buffett that wasn’t about making love and/or drinking. Though those two extra-curricular activities are loosely correlated with Auburn Football, I think it’d be a better description of our team with the timeless lyric “These changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes, Nothing remains quite the same” because who knows, it’s the freakin’ SEC. The only thing I’m certain of anymore is that I don’t like Jimmy Buffett.

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

Did you just say seven?

If you’d like to read more about Auburn football, the Library of Congress recommends The Auburner. If you’d like to contribute your own Visiting Lecturer post, please contact us at harumphharumph of the gmail email variety address.