This week’s crop of picks covers a week so sparse and uninviting lichen might turn its most noselike organelles up at it. Thus, we return to the quiet, spare austerity of Japan’s ancient poetry form, the haiku, to express our emotions regarding week 12’s slate…which is mostly, like the majority of haiku, about staring at not much happening whatsover.
(10) Ohio State at Michigan
Holly-san:
Understand: God is
Done with you, Wolverines, and
Charles Woodson is fat
Orson-san:
This is not your fault
Greg Robinson. Blame
you, though? Feels so right.
We’ve been shy on liveblogs this year because of travel schedules, life in general, and the big Yahoo liveblog running on the Thursday night game. When they do happen, we tend to announce them about three seconds ahead of time, and recruit our comment militia on an ad hoc basis on an even shorter notice. So, they’ve been infrequent, and for that we apologize.
If you would like to know when the next scheduled one is, we can oblige. It will be for the greatest event of the bowl game lull: the debut of Rakontur’s “The U,” the documentary about the rise of the University of Miami’s football program in the 1980s. Saturday, December 12, 2009 at 9 p.m. on ESPN.
Our expectations cannot possibly be met, since the Rakontur crew also put together Cocaine Cowboys, the epic coke documentary that taught us that success does not begin until you have enough money to support the care and upkeep of two full grown mountain lions wandering our mansion (purchased in cash.) It should still be impressive enough on its own, especially since Schnelly is involved.
Also, if this one fails to live up to our fantasies of the U’s blood-orgy beginnings, we still have the trailer for Dawg Fight, their upcoming documentary on the Perrine Backyard Boxing Scene. Given their already stellar track record, Rakontur is the clear leader to win the rights to our unpublished but insane screenplay for an unfilmable epic about the rise of the Wu-Tang Clan. We finished the scene where Gordon Ramsay steals Raekwon’s coq au vin recipe last night, thus forcing Raekwon to turn to a life of hard crime and rap hustle on the streets instead of pursuing his dream of attending Le Cordon Bleu. Powerful, powerful stuff.
By percentages, you don’t have a dog in the fight in the Michigan/Ohio State game, but no one leans on the rape stand and watches a bitter contest like this with the aloof demeanor of a neutral bystander. You get in there, but up into the crowd, and sidle up to the edge of the ring and throw some ducats on the hound of your choice. Like many dogfights, the Ohio State/Michigan game could be broken up in a flurry of tear gas and jogging policemen, so pick lively and be on your toes for the kickoff tomorrow with our handy guide
Drink:
This hat was made from the beer consumed between 10:14 a.m. and 10:46 a.m. From an ode to Busch Light.
IF: 24 pack of Busch light: THEN: Ohio State. We’ve never seen people drink more shitty beer with greater voracity than Ohio State fans. Never. (more…)
“They throw tortillas?” McCoy said. “They better not throw me one. I’ll be hungry. I’ll eat it.”
Actually, if Red Raider fans want to throw food, McCoy has a menu suggestion.
“They need to throw chicken,” he said. “Hey, if they threw fried chicken — shoot, I’ll provoke ‘em on purpose. Aaahhh! Chomp!”
Figuring out the exact spelling of this and whether it complied with the AP Stylebook had to consume at least three minutes of human existence they will never, ever get back. We would judge, but we have to go blow 45 minutes playing Miami Shark now. That is a glorious waste of time, much like watching OK State’s third-string qb Brandon Weeden come off the bench and shred Colorado in the second half of a 31-28 victory in Stillwater. Colorado lead 21-10, but they are Colorado under Dan Hawkins, and thus refunded the lead promptly and efficiently without Mike Gundy having to get all ornery and demanding to see a manager.
Emmanuel Moody out for inconsequential blowout. Moody is out for the FIU game, which would matter if it weren’t Florida International, the cheese-eating multilateralists who claim to represent Florida to the world. When Florida invades Cuba without consulting the United States first in 2013, let’s see where your “diplomacy” is then, eh? < ----seriously Brandon Spikes and Channing Crowder are going down there with a boat full of beer, flare guns, and toilet paper. Should take four days before they are crowned co-consuls of the island.
ATHENS, AP–Uga VII, the bulldog mascot of the University of Georgia, has died after being shot over a disputed poker match on Thursday afternoon. He was pronounced dead on the scene.
Exclusive footage of the scene has been obtained by EDSBS.com. Uga is seen here in the lower portion of the picture on the side of the table closest to the viewer, and appears to have an ace clamped in his toes under the table.
Details are still forthcoming, but eyewitnesses say an argument broke out over accusations of cheating during a regular lunchtime poker game between Uga and several local players he knew and played with frequently. Georgia fans were stunned at the announcement this afternoon. Speaking on conditions of anonymity, one source close to the program offered the following verdict:
“How we can lose a damn good dawg like this and still have Willie Martinez is…it’s just…it’s just not right.”
Burial details have not been finalized, but an investigation is underway. If you recognize the St. Bernard in the far right corner, please contact the Clarke County Sherriff’s Department. There are no suspects yet, but he looks like he’s staring daggers through Uga, doesn’t he?
Welcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview of Colorado at Oklahoma State. The Factor Five Five Factor Preview examines the Thursday Night Game, the matinee where you get to feel the pre-boob and perhaps side boob of the college football week, but are thwarted when you go for anything below the belt. And with that bit of adolescent horror-memory, let’s get to the real collection of frustrated adolescents, the Colorado Buffaloes and the Oklahoma State Cowboys. One has trouble scoring, while the other can score, but found out that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be in the teen movies and love scenes from contemporary stag films JUST LIKE THE HEALTH FILMS TOLD US IT WAS GOING TO BE.
Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. Colorado has lost ten games in a row on the road, a streak surpassed only by Washington Generic and Washington State With Vibrating Rings For Your Pleasure and Most Definitely Not Theirs. They rank last or next to last in passing efficiency, punt returns, fumbles lost, rushing offense, scoring defense, scoring offense, total offense, turnovers lost, and turnover margin. This team allowed Toledo to score over fifty points on them. This team attempted to stop for a busy crosswalk, hit the gas, and is now wondering why there is a screaming old woman embedded in their windshield. This team is horrible beyond any concept words can convey, and thus we resort to song. Terrible, excruciating Chinese song:
Dan Hawkins’ recruiting is Chinese karaoke howl bad, and it is coming back for an encore thanks to the university being too broke to buy him out, meaning they’ll be sending out the Weber State Men’s Water Polo Team for another year of savage beatings at the hands of the Big 12, but without prize recruit Darrell Scott. (more…)
The BCS has a Facebook page and a Twitter feed, too. They can block you on the Facebook side, but making the tweets private is a dicey proposition for someone who is supposed to be engaging the public in forming positive framings of the BCS and reinforcing the necessity of the system in the public sphere to oh my fucking god let’s just shoot all the PR people before they can breed.
There is no need for a playoff OBEY.
We’ve already had some fun with them, and suggest you do the same without following them, because, you know…it would de-emphasize the already important daily updates and cheat the tradition of the bowl system or something like that.
If you’re looking for fun this weekend, this would be as good a time as any to go to Ole Miss, since the local chapter of the Ku Klux Klan plans on showing up to the game to protest the removal of “From Dixie With Love” from the Rebels’ pregame.
“We aren’t coming there to cause problems or cause trouble,” Tate said. “Trouble has already been caused by a handful at Ole Miss, including the black student body president, who wants to shape Ole Miss into yet another liberal sodomite college.”
Now, take issue with the liberal portion of the description, but a college without sodomy is no college at all. Our own college experience was greatly enriched by hanging out with liberal black sodomites, since they taught us the joys of so many of the good things in life: expensive alcohol, fine clothing, half-price ecstasy cut with baking soda and methamphetamines, late night infomercial-watching, dancing with your hands over your head, and learning how to be white around black people without being the white-guy-trying-to-be-black. They’re also giving and tender lovers WHAAAA—
Anyway, if the Klan is going to show, they can’t half-step. We like our coffee hot, our homosexuals FLAMING, and our racists to be cartoonishly so. Sparkly whites, boys, and that includes the hem, which should be properly tailored so as not to drag on the ground. Foghorn Leghorn accents, please, and be quick with the festive Klan dancing.
Dollar Bill Doug comes off going Full Costanza with his best results of the year last week, and hopes to continue the hotness into a late season streak bringing him closer to .500. Or .300. Or…he’s building towards next year, people, and it’s important to get some game experience under his belt is what we’re saying. Enjoy.
RISK LEVEL 1: Watching the “awesometits.wmv” video your friend sent you on your work computer
Stanford -7.5 vs. California, 7:30 p.m.
What do you know: Turns out going full Costanza actually worked pretty well last week. OK, it didn’t work perfectly, but 3-2 still beats the 0-5s I was routinely putting up when I was going with my gut. (Stupid gut — it’s the one who told me AIG was “too big to fail” and that the guy who offered to sell me weed in a Vegas airport bathroom totally wasn’t a cop.) This week my gut’s been hinting that Stanford can’t possibly have a whole lot left in the tank after steamrolling Oregon and USC to the tune of 106 total points in back-to-back weeks, but if a major letdown was such a big risk for these guys, they probably would’ve lost to USC to begin with; as long as they’ve got Toby Gerhart (might some Heisman love be in line for this gentleman? Hello? Is this thing on?), they’ve got juice to spare. Maybe the one we should be asking those questions about is Cal — sure, they managed to come from behind to beat Arizona last week, but back-to-back big-game wins haven’t exactly been the forte of recent editions of the TedfordBot. (Don’t worry, though — when TedfordBot Vista comes out next year, all those problems will be solved. Really. We promise.)
Following a world-class reaming from DEX-TAH MAH-CLUS-TAH and the Rebels, Tennessee returns home this weekend to lick their wounds, check in with their probation officers, and swat away a team who’s beaten them only once in their last 26 tries. (more…)
Take a bow, Woody. From his comfortable, scarlet and gray bungalow in hell (”Heaven: too effeminate for my liking. Schembechler loves the place. Pansy.”) Woody Hayes gets the necessary salute this morning, both for dotting the I in a smashing pair of grey slacks, but also for helping to create Urban Meyer, blessed be his name and his chins. Mille gratz, Coach Hornrims.
Everyone does that, sure. Mark Mangino can be rough, sure. This without context certainly qualified as “rough” talk to a player, with a possible toe across the line of baseline dignity infringement (even if Mangino were black, from a terrible upbringing, and saying this from a position of commonality.)
“Don’t yes sir me, or I will send you back to St. Louis so you can get shot with your homies,” Brown remembers Mangino saying.
What takes this quote from former Jayhawk Raymond Brown into the Asshole-o-sphere is that when Mangino said it, Brown’s brother was recuperating from being shot in St. Louis. Mangino also threatened coaches with their jobs in front of players and generally behaved like a complete asshole to everyone and anyone around him. Defend it by saying “it wins games,” and then look at 95% of all other coaches in the universe who do not act like complete assholes.
Partial assholes, cyborg performance evaluators without souls, hopeless charisma junkies (COUGH COUGH Houston Nutt,) fast-mumbling braheims, sparkle-eyed lunatics, outright con men, and earnest paternal types: they’re alll part of the coaching ranks, yes. But how many of them are sold for spare parts the instant they hit a rough patch?
Mmmm, a delicious fisk. Besides foiling potential hotlinkers with pictures of a man exposing a good stretch of his lower intestine, the internet’s oldest trick is the fisk, the line-by-line dismantling of a shoddy piece of rhetoric. It’s old, it can be done very, very poorly, but fortunately BHGP is very good at it, especially when hitting up Maisel, who normally borders on the unfiskable.
Bonus Dog Strangulation Anecdote. In response to yesterday’s post on how much harder Harvard/Yale used to be (you know, before tetanus shots, antibiotics, and padding ruined our fine sport,) Alasdair (a Harvardian himself) wrote in to let us know just how little of the hardness we really knew about. 1905 may have involved deaths, but 1908 got straight to pagan animal sacrifice. Jackie Sherrill, you ain’t shit:
I saw your post on Harvard football being gangsta, and I must say that any discussion of turn of the century Ivy League football would be woefully incomplete without mention of Harvard coach Percy Haughton’s motivation techniques before the 1908 game against the Yale Bulldogs. To wit:
“Legend has it that Haughton dragged a bulldog out before his players and strangled it before the wide-eyed disbelief of his players.”
Considering Yale’s other nickname is the Elis, I believe current Harvard coach Tim Murphy would probably have to choke a certain New York Giants quarterback before this week’s game to even compete with his predecessor.
Don’t answer the phone, Eli. Those Ivies are trixy, and you don’t want your bleached white skull to become a prop in a Skull and Bones initiation ceremony before it has to. (And it will, Eli. Oh, it will.)
(ps. Strangling a bulldog in front of a horrified crowd isn’t a big deal, as Florida does it in Jacksonville all the time.)
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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