Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes the Gutty Little Bruins, who helm the appropriately titled UCLA blog Gutty Little Bruins. They provide us with your thumbnail sketch of UCLA football and, in addition, also nail the finest answer to our irony-puncturing Jimmy Buffett challenge yet.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

The UCLA season, and the program, is white. [*cough* --ed.] It’s a blank slate, with a new head coach, new players, and a new-HOLY-SHIT-NORM-CHOW-IS-OUR-OFFENSIVE-COORDINATOR-THANK-YOU-JESUS

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Germany, in the late 1800’s after Bismarck united the country. During the entirety of the Karl Dorrell era, UCLA fans fought amongst/embarrassed themselves by either defending or attacking Dorrell. Um…I’m not going to name names, but I’m of the opinion that some people took it a little too far. It’s college football. It’s not a goddam nuclear war.

Anyways, UCLA fans are all in the same boat for the first time since…ever. With Norm Chow, DeWayne Walker, and Rick Neuheisel in tow, our football program finally doesn’t suck. And, of course, Ben Howland is a pimp in basketball. All is right in the UCLA athletic world.

The only question is…why did it take so friggin’ long? We are in Los Angeles, aren’t we? oy.

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

We do? The fates seem to have a raging hard-on for our quarterbacks, so I’d love to tell you that Ben Olson is important, but, hey, he might be dead by the time you read this. The dude, god help him, has missed more games than he’s finished. UCLA will also rely heavily on it’s 4 incoming freshman backs in Milton Knox, Aundre Dean, Derrick Coleman, Johnathan Franklin. Also, expect UCLA to have the best D-line in the Pac-10 with Freshman All-American Brian Price and future pro Brigham Harwell in the mix.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

The first and the last games of the season, both at the Rose Bowl. UCLA vs. Tennessee is the opener and the first taste of the Neuheisel era. UCLA vs. USC will be especially tantalizing because Neuheisel has talked such mad crazy smack about how UCLA is going to, eventually, kick those guys’ butts across town.

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

UCLA vs. BYU. UCLA played BYU last year. Twice. And both times we heard the announcers talk about how Ben Olson transferred from BYU to UCLA and how BYU wants revenge. If I hear it again, Imma slap someone. Of course, this is assuming that Ben Olson will still be alive on 9/13 when they play, which is more than a leap than you might imagine. (see answer #3).

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

An O-line. UCLA just moved over a tight end to play center…that kinda gives you an idea about depth issues. Seriously, UCLA’s O-line wasn’t that great last year, and all but one of the starters has either graduated or retired. I say start recruiting walk-ons at frat parties. I seen a ton of fat chicks at the Beta house the other night that could instill some real fear into Pac-10 D lines.

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious–do it.

I was going to say “Fruitcakes” and leave no explanation, but then I saw “Who’s the Blond Stranger?” UCLA took a risk when it hired the yellow-haired Neuheisel and inherited his baggage. Is this stranger going to bring UCLA to the promised land? Or are we going to ask ourselves, shortly after opening day, “When does Basketball season start?”

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

Easily UCLA v. USC. The last two games, UCLA covered the spread at the rose bowl and even won the last one. Neuheisel will have the boys fired up. And SC is overrated. And SC lost to Stanford. Which was, statistically, the biggest upset in college football history.

If you’d like to read more about UCLA football, the Library of Congress recommends Gutty Little Bruins. If you’d like to contribute your own Visiting Lecturer post, please contact us at harumphharumph of the gmail email variety address.