1. An 80/20 mix of cab sav and merlot. Like the cab sav, well known for its consistent excellence. Firm without being over-bearing, with many textural layers emphasizing the multiple depths of its flavor. But what’s that unpleasant aftertaste? That can’t-win-a-bowl-game taste left in your mouth? Ah yes, the merlot.

2. So, so many to choose from…let’s stay recent, with the 2000 vintage. After years of guzzling boone’s farm mixed with urine and gasoline, our 2000 Syrah shocked the world. Refreshing, though rich enough to maintain the excellence throughout a whole season, with a rich bouquet of fruits on offense and defense. This was back when Bob had balls and Dread Captain Leach was only a year removed, so, lurking just under the surface was a hint of spice. As it aged, it lost some refreshing fruit flavor, most notably Heupel, but became darker and richer and more over-bearing, to the point that Florida State couldn’t even score.

3. Texas is a French Bordeaux. Arrogant and pretentious with an overblown sense of self-worth based solely on location, without the results to back up the attitude. Sure, every once in a while you’ll get a great vintage, like in 2005, but for the most part, a Bordeaux never lives up to the hype. Like Texas, a Bordeaux has a great location, expensive grapes (recruits), and a dubious claim of being among the best; but like Texas, a Bordreaux, more often than not, is just slightly above mediocre, and never as good as you think it will be.

4. Valpolicella. Cheap, dry, and mild in flavor despite being robust and full bodied.

1) Some snooty Napa wine- well received, and capable of beating every other wine’s ass, until it’s compared to the best in the world, where it falls short.

2) Oh, some like the 2002 version, with its awards and such, but I prefer the 1998 vintage. Universally heralded as the best by far, until that unfortunate cork accident at the Spartan wine tasting. Fucking Sparty.

3) A good screw cap wine. Easily accomodating lately. Like a bottomless nightie. Oh, people will go out of their way to tell you it’s still quality stuff, but in the end they’re screwed.

4) Call me Kendall Jackson- always appropriate to bring to a party, consistent, and as exciting as Iowa’s offense lately (sorry BHGP).

2) 2005 — the Malbec Argentino (Parker rating, 98 points): excellent terroir manifest in explosive notes, better than even its most highly touted competitors, a wine that impresses both the masses and the cognoscenti . . . and the finish is out of this world.

3) O.U. (Oklahoma) — is Royal Cola a wine? Sure, if OU is a worthy rival.

4) An Argentine Viognier — someday it may be very good, but today is not that day.

1) Traditionally it’s Absolut Vodka- never quite as good as advertised.

2) 1996 Arizona State is like Sierra Nevada Bigfoot- layers of exciting flavors yet an aftertaste more bitter than all of the aforementioned excitement.

3) U of Arizona? a fifteen year-old budweiser. You can smell it if you’re even close to it, and it ain’t good.

4) any type of alcohol will do. I’m fun in small doses but I can be downright destructive to your life if I’m constantly around.

*- I know jack and shit about wine.

2). Early 80’s. Vintage quality potential….Turned to vinegar by a virus…Stevius Spurious.

3). Auburn. Earthy as in manure. Preposterous. Arrogant while bitter. Best served ala flambe’.

4). For me there has never been a better product than that which is produced in Tullahoma. Strong, to the point and intriguing. No bullshit, no esoteric puffery. Salt of the earth.

I’m a food writer so I shouldn’t actually know about this site…but I do. Mondavi would roll over in his grave.

(oh jesus probably mine)

2) 2005 – An instantly intoxicating flavor that sours quickly, but inexplicably leaves an aftertaste of burnt oranges.

3) Wake Forest*: Luna Freakout**. From a well-known if underappreciated vineyard, you’re not sure what’s in it – it could tempt you with the full-bodied heft of a red mixed with the crisp freshness of a chardonnay, or it could just sit in your stomach like the lump of porridge you’ll need for breakfast next morning to soak up the hangover.

4) Aged too long, overly pungent with an exceedingly bitter finish.

* Trying to indulge the conceit that our new regular end-of-season matchup is a rivalry, especially since none of our other rivals consider US the principal rival.

** Actual wine. Damned good, too. If you are in Napa or thereabouts, the vineyard will amply reward an hour spent in the tasting room.

2. 1996. Heavenly aroma and a fine finish at QB, without any hints of edam cheese on defense.

3. FSU. Like a once fine bourdeaux that’s well past its prime.

4. Brunello. Very smooth, but will kick you in the ass if taken in large doses.

2. 1998 – Surprisingly bold with an oaken finish. Especially when compared to the 4 bottles of Manning Reserve you just knocked off and thought THEY were going to be the best thing you’ve ever had.

3. Alabama – Box white zinfandel. There was a time when this stuff was all the rage, but these days pretty much considered a bunch of crap.

4. Me – Grape Mad Dog 20/20 – You don’t expect much and you’re typically right.