The thing about coming across an article headlined, “CU football coach barnstorms the state”, is that the CU coach is Dan Hawkins, and that means the possibility that he’s actually doing loop-the-loops in a biplane at state fairs all over Colorado is very, very real.

The actual story isn’t that far off. To what should be no one’s surprise, really, Dan Hawkins is circumventing the NCAA’s high school contact regulations by roaming the state in an RV, probably wearing a beanie with a propeller on top, and spending his summer shaking hands, dispensing yarns, and doling out something called “Hawk Love”, which LSUFreek imagines looks a lot like this:

And in true Hawkins fashion, he’s making with the soundbites early and often:

The thing I identify with, particularly when you get into more of a removed situation, is trying to get out of the box — how do you get out of the box? How do you do what those people do outside of your world? How do you become a doctor? How do you become an astronaut — what’s that all about?

Glenwood Springs seventh-grader Christian Trevizo took the message to heart, explaining, “Coach Hawkins said to stay on the path and not climb up on another path.” He paused, and added, “Or he’ll gut you like a halibut with his mind-lasers.”