What is peculiar to modern societies is not that they consigned sex to a shadow existence, but that they dedicated themselves to speaking of it ad infinitum, while exploiting it as the secret.

The thing about coming across an article headlined, “CU football coach barnstorms the state”, is that the CU coach is Dan Hawkins, and that means the possibility that he’s actually doing loop-the-loops in a biplane at state fairs all over Colorado is very, very real.

The actual story isn’t that far off. To what should be no one’s surprise, really, Dan Hawkins is circumventing the NCAA’s high school contact regulations by roaming the state in an RV, probably wearing a beanie with a propeller on top, and spending his summer shaking hands, dispensing yarns, and doling out something called “Hawk Love”, which LSUFreek imagines looks a lot like this:

And in true Hawkins fashion, he’s making with the soundbites early and often:

The thing I identify with, particularly when you get into more of a removed situation, is trying to get out of the box — how do you get out of the box? How do you do what those people do outside of your world? How do you become a doctor? How do you become an astronaut — what’s that all about?

Glenwood Springs seventh-grader Christian Trevizo took the message to heart, explaining, “Coach Hawkins said to stay on the path and not climb up on another path.” He paused, and added, “Or he’ll gut you like a halibut with his mind-lasers.”

Via the Alabama gentlemen of Picture Me Rollin and Uncle Rico’s Time Machine comes the latest installment of our rippity-offity Stuff ______ People Like series

Coach Bryant: This is perhaps too obvious, but there is little doubt that since the apotheosis of General Robert E. Lee there has not been as much hero worship directed toward an individual until the time of Paul William “Bear” Bryant. There are goods odds that you could walk into any mom and pop diner in most parts of Alabama and start a very healthy debate amongst people that adamantly believe that debating is for sissies, if you threw out this question: Greater man; General Lee or Coach Bryant. Rest assured he wasn’t the only coach to take his Alabama teams to the Promised Land. But he was however, the best and most of the modern association with Alabama’s football glory days begins and ends with him.

There are a few things that need to be stated about the man and the legend though. First of all, it’s Coach Bryant. If you refer to him as Bear you are a rival fan or brain-dead. Bear is a title that shows disrespect to the man, similar to the way calling a senior citizen by their first name if you don’t really know them is disrespectful. He was “Coach”, first and foremost.

If you find a crimson and white person’s respect (or if you prefer, deification) of Coach Bryant silly or poorly placed then to quote Ricky Bobby “fuck you”. Crimson and white people could give two red cents about your opinion on that subject. If you feel the need to point out that he drank to much or was of questionable character at times then you are simply jealous and crimson and white people are well armed with anecdotes that prove you are merely hating.

To prove their devotion, a new book is published about him about every 36 hours. If you missed the latest one, don’t worry there will be another in about, oh, 10 minutes. The books are increasing at such a rate that soon someone will have to build the Paul Bryant Library, which will naturally be located next to the Bryant Museum, which is on Bryant Drive, not too far from the Bryant Bridge and Bryant High School and a conveniently located branch of the Bryant Bank, just to house all the books about Bryant himself.

Don’t kid yourself and think that simple knowledge of him it is all that is required. It is also an obsession with all things associated with him. Like Golden Flake Potato Chips, Coca Cola, Chesterfield cigarettes, and most especially…

(more…)

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes the right honorable Joel of Rocky Top Talk to set us straight, or at least firmly crooked, on the prospects of the Tennessee Volunteers.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Opaque. Not exactly a color, I know, but the concept is similar. With the arrival of new offensive coordinator Dave Clawson, the offense is shrouded in mystery, and any attempt to penetrate it with light is thwarted by scattering or absorption. Nobody can see beyond the curtain.

Clawson was formerly the head coach for the Division I-AA Richmond Spiders, so good luck finding any tape on him. Just who is this guy? Nobody knows. How will quarterback Jonathan Crompton fit into the new system? Secret! What kind of offense does he run? A few daring souls have ventured a guess that it’s a west coast-ish spread-y-type thing that morphs into . . . something else depending on the personnel, but again, nobody really knows. Yeehaw for intrigue and woo-ish-y offense.

Practices are closed to the media, too, so the new offense won’t be unveiled until the big national showdown with UCLA on Labor Day.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

1930s USA, F.D.R.’s New Deal. The Papa has been either the offensive coordinator or the head coach for the Vols for nearly two decades. When Fulmer took over as head coach for good in 1993, he hired David Cutcliffe as his offensive coordinator. Cutcliffe held that role until 1999 and then took it up again from 2006 until this past off-season when he left for Duke. Randy Sanders served as OC in the interim, but most believe that he was essentially handcuffed to Fulmer’s offensive philosophy and scheme. So we’ve really had almost no change for almost twenty years. At first, Roaring ’20s, but then gradual decline, a Black Tuesday (2005), and a lingering depression, all of which sets the stage for this year’s New Deal.

This season, Fulmer hires mystery man Clawson, and this time, he’s reportedly going to give his young assistant free reign to reform the system and bring relief to needy Tennessee fans. Hey, we could use a new deal, and if we have to bankrupt the future to do it, well, we’ll just have to worry about that later.

(more…)

Via Dawg Sports, of course, comes the side-splittingest breaking tale of the entire offseason: UGA mutant star Knowshon Moreno being forced to write a two-page essay last year on noise pollution following a writeup for loud music in the dorms. I cannot encourage you strongly enough to click through to the documentation itself. Before we even get to what he wrote, there’s the hyperreaction of the Boss Queen of the Conduct Review Board (naturally named “Brad”), who announced—go on, say this out loud without sneering: “…that Knowshon had not fulfilled the original conditions of the sanction regarding formatting of the research paper”. It gets better (emphasis added for spite):

On October 31, 2006, Knowshon responded to Brad but resubmitted the same incorrect sanction. Brad once again informed Knowshon that he needed to format the paper correctly and resubmit the sanction. In addition, he warned Knowshon about the possibility of having his record flagged…

And then there’s the essay itself. From the conclusion:

To show the responsibility that I have gained over this situation I was recently asked in my room one night after quiet hours if I could do a back flip. My answer to this was yes because I can, but I kindly stated that I would not be able to perform this act at the time because I did not want to disturb my fellow neighbors below and around me.

He goes on to state that he will resolve this issue by living off-campus next year. The document further informs us that Knowshon’s record “remains flagged.” Knowshon himself….does not.

Clearly, the wrath of Brad has had devastating and far-reaching consequences.