Ahhhh, vacation. We haven’t really had a proper vacation in a while, unless you count us going to the Philippines and making all those children for Tim Tebow to circumcise every few years. (It’s the cirrrrrrrcullllll of laaaaaaaiiiiiiiiife…) That’s more like work really, so we remain hesitant to count it, since the ladies of that special village–a little out of the way place we like to call Manila–won’t let a man stay hydrated, much less let him check his email.

This vacation’s real, live, and on the books, so we’ll be out for Thursday, Friday, and Monday. We don’t want to give away the location of our beach getaway, lest the madding crowd let on to the place and ruin its pristine shores. One hint, though: it rhymes with “Haiti”

Disneyland stole its original name, “The Happiest Place On Earth.”

Holly will captain the ship in the interim. See you on Tuesday: in the meantime, check out the turbo-powered minds who will defend the honor of the blogosphere in Clay Travis’ proposed Quiz Bowl matchup with mainstream journos.

Our Mustache Wednesday pick: sports artist Leroy Neiman.

He is not smoking his mustache, by the way, though if he could grow a smokable mustache that would place him at the top of the Mustache Wednesday pantheon. (HT: Worst Fan.)

Ole Miss is refurbishing in more than just the coaching department, skipping past the $1200 flat-screen you likely chose for your homestead and going to the $6 million Daktronics HD set. You would have gotten that one if you had any balls, but let us tell you that it’s not all it’s purported to be: once you sweat the $6 mil, you’ve still got to pay for all the broken windows you’ll have–hordes of bugs are trying to get to his thing, and they’re not letting a little double-insulated glass stand in the way of orbiting their LED-fueled light-god.

Did we mention we haven’t slept in a month, and that it heats your living room to a cool 142 degrees Fahrenheit? You should see Animal Rescue Houston on this thing, though. The mange is mind-blowing.

It’s about time Ole Miss made the upgrade, though. The old scoreboard was starting to look a bit antediluvian. (Pic contains one suggestive image of a sexual nature in tiny, tiny detail. Be advised.)

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Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, we have begun the best method we could think of to write about teams we know next to nothing about: asking others to write about them for us. Our Visiting Lecturer Series today presents the case of Syracuse football, and we use the epidemiological term case intentionally, reader. The presiding coroner: MariusJanulisForThree, the editor of Troy Nunes is an Absolute Magician. Enjoy the taste of Job in every bite.

That fellow, there: we knew him well when he rode with Donovan of McNabb.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

It would be too obvious to just say orange. We’re always orange. That’s our thing. The real question is, metaphorically, what shade of orange are we?

There’s Persimmon, a medium orange-red. But I think we passed by medium hues a long time ago.

What about Amber? The orange-yellow color gets its name from the natural material known to encapsulate fossilized detritus, like a metaphorical Carrier Dome enveloping the decaying carcass of Greg Robinson. Actually I think that might be too literal.

I’m actually gonna go with Vermilion. It’s an artificially-produced color created by reacting mercury with molten sulfur. Yep, sounds about right.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

The Ottoman Empire, early 20th century.

Remember in history class when you’d be learning about Europe and all the great battles and countries therein and all of a sudden someone would mention the Ottoman Empire and throw you for a loop? You’d immediately think of two things: (more…)

This isn’t a three dollar operation lady, no under-the-bridge homeless fiesta with eight cans of sterno and a shopping cart full of Wild Irish Rose. This is a proper graduation party. And that’s not body paint slapped on your tits by some geeked-up high school senior: it’s professional airbrushing. Have some respect for art when you see it, no matter the medium, ok?

My “son’s” grad party is gonna rock. What? Those weren’t finger quotes I used. Why do you ask?

I need 4 ladies who don’t mind wearing body paint for my sons going off to College Party. There will be a University of Florida theme so you will have UF football uniforms professionally airbrushed on your upper body but you will be wearing blue boy shorts. You will be compensated $100 per hour for serving drinks and finger foods plus any tips you receive.

That’s right. We’ll have finger foods too, baby. There’s stages to this Atlas Rocket of good times. Look at the place! It’s like a Joe’s Crab Shack commercial BUT WITH AIRBRUSHED TITTIES!!! Seriously, if you feel like doing anything else with my “son,” I mean, we can negotiate it on a service-by-service basis, okay? I’m gonna film it, too. Not creepy at all. Nope. Just be over here with the camera, okay?

GO CRAZY WITH IT! And move your hair when you do that. It blocks the shot.

(Editor’s note: The ad has been flagged for removal, because even Craigslist found it too sketchy for their standards. Metrofilmz, whatever that is, also requested models on Craigslist London, which we’re sure was just coincidence.)