VISITING LECTURER: ROLL BAMA ROLL ON, UM, BAMA.

by Orson on Jun 10, 2008 12:13 PM EDT

HT: Uncyclopedia.

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest "bullshit" coverage of college football, we have begun the best method we could think of to write about teams we know next to nothing about: asking others to write about them for us. Todd from Roll Bama Roll is our visiting lecturer today, and he will help us understand the your role as les sans culottes in the early Napoleonic period of Alabama football.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Not to be too obvious here, but how about crimson? Isaiah 1:18 states "Come now let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson they shall be as wool." Can you name another SEC program in more need of redemption right now? Didn't think so.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Revolutionary France. The corrupt, apathetic, and ineffectual ancien regime was overthrown, the ensuing reign of terror meant any hint of impropriety or counter-revolutionary measures ensured the loss of a head (coaching position that is), and the ensuing chaos set the stage for a diminutive tyrant to take the reigns.

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

Terry Grant: Finished last season with 891 yards and 8 TDs despite a sports hernia slowing him for half the season and having to sit out the final two games.

If he stays healthy and isn't forced to run power plays between the tackles (he's 5'10", 188, for God's sake! Get him to the outside! Also, wise move having the man calling those boneheaded plays coaching your running backs, Mack Brown!) he can be a Prothro-style game breaker in the open field, but unless a power runner steps up to compliment him there's no telling how beat up he'll be by week six.

John Parker Wilson: Floundered under a more complex offense than he was used to but still showed flashes of brilliance (I'm looking at you, Tennessee). A new OC and playcaller with a more "QB friendly" approach is expected to help Wilson dink and dunk his way back into the good graces of Bama fans.

Rashad Johnson: A former walk-on running back, Johnson wasn't anything special at the safety position until Saban's system made him a star. Was an All-SEC selection last year, and has drawn nothing but praise from his coaches and teammates over the spring.

Rolando McClain: Made the Freshman All-America team last year, and is likely the only returning linebacker with any game experience. I say likely since Prince Hall is indefinetly suspended again and therefor, at the bare minimum, going to sit several games at the start of the season if not just flat out gone from the team come fall, and Zeke Knight has some serious heart related health issues that will likely force him to go on medical scholarship.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

8/30 vs Clemson (Atlanta): We're finally stepping up the OOC scheduling again, and it couldn't have come at a worse time. Two of the best backs in the country against a young and inexperienced front seven. Could be a shoot out.

11/8 at LSU: Saban's first trip back to Baton Rouge. A fun round of "count the hurled whiskey bottles on the sidelines!" will keep things interesting if the game gets ugly.

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we're better off NOT watching.

9/13 vs Western Kentucky: We don't suffer embarassing humilitations until later in the season.

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

Speaking of, how about some mid-major upset repellent? Stallings took it all with him, apparently.

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we're serious--do it.

Since I am only passingly familiar with two Jimmy Buffett songs, it's a good thing one of them actually kinda sorta fits. In Margaritaville, Buffett progressively comes to realize his troubles are of his own making, just like Alabama fans have held their heads firmly in the sand for the past decade thinking "we're just about to turn the corner" without acknowledging radical changes needed to be made to the entire culture of Alabama football before the program can get back to it's glory days.

Seven: We're master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

In every game Alabama plays on national TV, there will be at least three close ups of John Parker Wilson lustily flicking his sweat drenched Brodie Bangs out of his eyes on the sidelines. Camera men love Brodie Bangs.

Thanks, sir. If you'd like to read more about Alabama football, the Library of Congress recommends Roll Bama Roll. If you'd like to contribute your own Visiting Lecturer post, please contact us at harumphharumph of the gmail email variety address.

Tweet Comment 22 comments | 0 recs |

Do you like this story?

Comments

RTR – Rob Spence will make sure that the opener is not a shootout, see last year’s South Carolina game.

Conservative playcalling + “innovative” scheming = conservative plays

by Coop on Jun 10, 2008 12:26 PM EDT reply actions

Coop—

But there’s eight tight ends in a bunch formation!

by Orson Swindle on Jun 10, 2008 12:30 PM EDT reply actions

Though and Auburn fan, Todd at RBR is a favorite blogger. Alert, insightful, and enjoyable without the nastiness of other tasteless sites that shall remain nameless (but rhyme with ‘Apstone Report’).

I find no better analysis than the French Revolution to the state of Alabama and “little corporal” in reference to Nick Saban. Game, set and match, sir. Well played.

I just hope that Tuberville is more like Alexander II or the Iron Duke than the Emperor of Austria, at least for a couple more years.

War Eagle!

by Sullivan on Jun 10, 2008 12:30 PM EDT reply actions

Well played Todd (& Orson), well played.

by Picture Me Rollin on Jun 10, 2008 12:35 PM EDT reply actions

I concur. Well done folks.

by kt on Jun 10, 2008 1:21 PM EDT reply actions

Yawn. Not enough Saban material in there. But otherwise okay.

by Brian O'Blivion on Jun 10, 2008 1:24 PM EDT reply actions

Terry Bowden is to be coach at Alabama?

by Dubyadee on Jun 10, 2008 1:24 PM EDT reply actions

give me the over on jpw’s brodie bang flips.

by gerry dorsey on Jun 10, 2008 1:32 PM EDT reply actions

Google ads is telling us that we, too, can buy Daniel Moore prints via the Internet.

While I would argue the Jay Barker print is beyond superfluous as well, FCA hero be damned, what in God’s name is Andrew Zow doing on one of those prints?

Who is buying that one, besides Zow’s mother?

by Coop on Jun 10, 2008 2:17 PM EDT reply actions

Watch thy tongue when speaking of The Maj.

by The Stos on Jun 10, 2008 2:47 PM EDT reply actions

Kudos to Todd, who’ll shine through when classic European history is needed as a literary comparison for big-time fried sports.

Good to see the always even-handed analysis from RTR

by Kenny on Jun 10, 2008 3:16 PM EDT reply actions

Regarding question no. 4: No Iron Bowl?

/softball tossed to the Auburn threadjackers

by MaconDawg on Jun 10, 2008 3:32 PM EDT reply actions

There is a shot on Mack Brown having Major Applewhite coaghing his RB’s…I would like to point out that it is widely known amongst Texas fans that one of the major issues between Saban and Applewhite (excluding Saban being a controlling asswipe) is that he DID NOT allow Major, his OC, to call his own plays.

by Travis on Jun 10, 2008 3:37 PM EDT reply actions

12 – it’s sad, we can’t even get an AU-Bama threadjack on a thread about either team any more, even with softballs.

/cursing the off season

by Brian O'Blivion on Jun 10, 2008 3:40 PM EDT reply actions

So you see the Tide as the subject of Isaiah 1? Glad to know I’m not the only one…

How is the faithful Tide become a harlot! it was full of glory; tradition lodged in it; but now murderers. Thy trophies are become dross, thy bourbon mixed with water: Thy princes are rebellious, and companions of thieves: every one loveth gifts, and followeth after the respect of BCS voters
(HT: Isa 1:21-23)

by war eagle on Jun 10, 2008 3:42 PM EDT reply actions

I think the more appropriate Buffett song would be track 6 on every one of his albums. (there you go #12)

by wegle6 on Jun 10, 2008 3:56 PM EDT reply actions

8/30 vs Clemson (Atlanta): Were finally stepping up the OOC scheduling again, and it couldnt have come at a worse time. Two of the best backs in the country against a young and inexperienced front seven. Could be a blow out.

FIXED

by SIW on Jun 10, 2008 3:56 PM EDT reply actions

Crimson and Margaritavile? You’re not even trying, Roll Bama Roll (if that’s EVEN YOUR REAL NAME). Go on, now, and come back when you’ve photoshopped every Shula into Woman Going Crazy On Caroline Street.

by Holly on Jun 10, 2008 4:14 PM EDT reply actions

Tuberville 3:16: I just waxed Bama’s arse.

by NewAZTiger on Jun 10, 2008 4:37 PM EDT reply actions

Rashard Johnson did not draw praise from the Tuscaloosa PD, especially when they arrested him

How will the clemson game be a shootout? Bama has no one to run between the tackles and lost their best two WR.

by CJ on Jun 10, 2008 6:00 PM EDT reply actions

Somewhere there are sportwriters going hungry while we squander the productivity of a nation pursuing the one clever line that will raise the huzzahs of our recalcitrant footamaball bretheren (and sisteren). Would that such creative forces be put to good use for the betterment of all mankind. Instead, we are inundated with all manner of figurative bruises to the brain by those who think as we think, those who don’t think as we think and those who think they think, but don’t. Your humble submitter readily concedes there is every possiblity (probability) that when the last whistle blows, the big stripped shirt in the sky will determine the latter applies hereto.

That being said, one must observe that it is these heady days of summer, when all things are possible and the season’s slate is pristine, that nourish the joys of irrational fandom (admittedly a redundant term) and lead to the writing of checks one’s ass can often not cash. All who follow this perilous path long for those salutory Saturdays when loyalty is rewarded with victory and the sweetness becomes immeasurable as a future foe meets with an ignominious demise. Yet, history being a constant reminder, our traveler assuredly knows the bottomless pits of pain and remorse are possibly but a week away – the shoe placed squarely on the other foot, or strategically located up the other ass.

And so it goes. We are the same, but different. We generalize and classify and predict and excuse and fervently long for the next dose, hooked as surely as a cocaine cowboy. As addictions go, it can fairly be said there are much worse things one can do to negatively affect the GNP. For those who don’t, or won’t, understand, no amount of explanation will alter their sad confusion. For those caught in the grip, let the huzzahs begin.

by Bamaleg on Jun 10, 2008 6:17 PM EDT reply actions