Jim Delany opens his mouth, stuff flies out. That stuff is the kind of puffery and agitprop lawyers who can’t stop lawyering produce constantly, like so much useless excreta from a huge, expensive gland in $400 shoes. (See Clinton, Hillary.)

From Pete Thamel’s entry on The Quad re: the question of if the retirement of Tom Hansen, Pac-10 commish, would affect the possibility of having a playoff. We’ve added contextual accents to properly clarify Delany’s thoughts.

“I don’t really think so, and I speak for all humanity and several species of beetle,” Delany said when asking if change was imminent. “I know some people have written or thought that it’s a personal agenda and when the people change the direction changes. I would say, I can’t speak for Kevin and his replacement but watch I will! but for Tom and for me, it takes a face to be associated with a position. We’re the face and the voice of our conferences and as I have mentioned previously for humanity and those neglected but important species of beetle. But you couldn’t articulate the consistent approach we’ve articulated, nay dictated, plebes! if it wasn’t shared fairly widely. It not unanimous, but, I’m saying fairly widely, and by that I mean you football-mad red state mongoloids who think dinosaur fossils are tricks the devil is playing on you. I know that’s true in the Big Ten, because I told them it was true.
We wouldn’t be able to assert the positions we’ve asserted over time if it weren’t for a lot of support for a lot of constituents, especially the beetles, who live exclusively off the rotting carcasses of Rose Bowl floats, and pay me to keep those sweet insect buffets coming every year.”

Jim “D-money” Delany, everyone! Give it up! This post sponsored by EDSBS Attorney Phoenix Wright, who has an objection to something you’re thinking right now.

Addicted to Quack is thrilled at Hansen’s retirement, especially since it might free up the Pac-10 from its lame-ish television contract with FSN. ATQ hopes out loud for ESPN, but with the crowded schedule on ESPN during the season, WHAT WILL BECOME OF OUR BELOVED 12:30 a.m. WAC GAMES?
You bastards, you don’t even realize you’re hypothetically taking away our San Jose State/Fresno State games, do you? Don’t make us call our local cable provider and suggest ESPNU. We have five threads of dignity left, and we’re doing our damndest to cling to them.

Thank you for flying Liberian Airways; please help us push the plane to the ramp. Lincoln Pilot Raycom, you’ll always be Jefferson Pilot to us, but the future is here now in stunning fashion: they’re going HD this fall. College football television’s own version of the Nigerian Space Program will ditch their old camera equipment–formerly used in the filming of Wild Goose Chase and other adult film classics–and go full HD. Clay is beyond stunned.

Granted, in live action it looked like ESPN Classic had just discovered the raw footage after eight years at the bottom of a pig trough, but it was there. What are the odds Raycom HD is a blank screen for the first month of the season? The answer is high, my friends, very high.

The cutaway shots of Vanderbilt Stadium’s turf during game action will look more dazzling than ever!

Bigger. Meaner. Oranger. Inventing a new comparative adjective for a website? Oregon State is capable of anything. Taunting is not advised.

Goddamned discount cadavers bit us in the ass again. Mizzou wideout Danario Alexander will be out until October with a torn ligament in his knee, and not just any ligament: it’s the zombie ligament he had grafted onto the joint in an earlier surgery.

An MRI showed that a graft taken from a human cadaver had retorn.

Two things. We’re against the use of cadaver ligaments since that’s one of the ways the global zombie invasion happens, and we want you all to know we stand one hundred percent against the undead threat to our civilization and way of life. Second, if you must use zombie ligaments, be sure to pay top price for solid gear, or this is what happens. China provides good strong ones, but the toxicity is off the charts; South America’s decent, but relentless all-night dance parties means tensile fatigue could be an issue. Don’t even sniff at the Russian market–they could be selling you rehydrated beef jerky in formalin, for all we know.