We honor the rageaholic fathers of our football nation tonight with an EDSBS Live devoted solely to you, dad. Our four questions in brief, un-fancy order:
1. What football coach would be the best surrogate father?
2. What football coach would be the worst surrogate father?
3. Tell us your best anecdote about your father and college football.
4. What essential lessons will you, as a father (or as the wife/girlfriend, or knowing our readership the babymomma of a father) insist your child learn about college football?
I got your “Coach Gomer” hanging between my legs you 4 eyed, non playing, never played football pussy.
Ladies and gentleman, Shawn, who sends us this email from bridgepark@verizon.net! He got into kolledge, and gud fur himm and hiz coach gommer. It’s true: we’ve never played football. In fact, we’ve never even heard of the game, preferring instead to spend our days trimming orchids and reading Austen reclined in a divan. Is that something rough boys play? Outside, in the hot air?
Trev, we know you must continue to film your short editorials for SprintTV (with the trained crew of professionals in a multimillion dollar studio) because it is what you do. We only ask one thing, Trev: please bring back the sun, so that the people of Atlanta may see the all-powerful sun again and walk without the curse of rickets.
His latest is on the Big Ten, who he says has a bit of a PR problem. We really don’t care what you want us to believe, giant man: your size is short-circuiting any ability we have to listen to your football wisdom. Please, monster: just please step carefully away from downtown, mind the powerlines, and we can find a nice resting spot for you out by Stone Mountain with your own watering hole and everything. We promise. Just bring back the sun.
Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, we have begun the best method we could think of to write about teams we know next to nothing about: asking others to write about them for us. Todd from Roll Bama Roll is our visiting lecturer today, and he will help us understand the your role as les sans culottes in the early Napoleonic period of Alabama football.
One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:
Not to be too obvious here, but how about crimson? Isaiah 1:18 states “Come now let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson they shall be as wool.” Can you name another SEC program in more need of redemption right now? Didn’t think so.
Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?
Revolutionary France. The corrupt, apathetic, and ineffectual ancien regime was overthrown, the ensuing reign of terror meant any hint of impropriety or counter-revolutionary measures ensured the loss of a head (coaching position that is), and the ensuing chaos set the stage for a diminutive tyrant to take the reigns.
Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.
Terry Grant: Finished last season with 891 yards and 8 TDs despite a sports hernia slowing him for half the season and having to sit out the final two games. (more…)
This week’s Fulmer Cupdate brings Mizzou’s seemingly insurmountable lead within a misdemeanor’s reach. Gasp, and marvel at this week’s epic update. Big Board to you by Matsumoto Industrial Concern and Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson.
Jim Delany opens his mouth, stuff flies out. That stuff is the kind of puffery and agitprop lawyers who can’t stop lawyering produce constantly, like so much useless excreta from a huge, expensive gland in $400 shoes. (See Clinton, Hillary.)
From Pete Thamel’s entry on The Quad re: the question of if the retirement of Tom Hansen, Pac-10 commish, would affect the possibility of having a playoff. We’ve added contextual accents to properly clarify Delany’s thoughts.
“I don’t really think so, and I speak for all humanity and several species of beetle,” Delany said when asking if change was imminent. “I know some people have written or thought that it’s a personal agenda and when the people change the direction changes. I would say, I can’t speak for Kevin and his replacement but watch I will! but for Tom and for me, it takes a face to be associated with a position. We’re the face and the voice of our conferences and as I have mentioned previously for humanity and those neglected but important species of beetle. But you couldn’t articulate the consistent approach we’ve articulated, nay dictated, plebes! if it wasn’t shared fairly widely. It not unanimous, but, I’m saying fairly widely, and by that I mean you football-mad red state mongoloids who think dinosaur fossils are tricks the devil is playing on you. I know that’s true in the Big Ten, because I told them it was true.
We wouldn’t be able to assert the positions we’ve asserted over time if it weren’t for a lot of support for a lot of constituents, especially the beetles, who live exclusively off the rotting carcasses of Rose Bowl floats, and pay me to keep those sweet insect buffets coming every year.”
Jim “D-money” Delany, everyone! Give it up! This post sponsored by EDSBS Attorney Phoenix Wright, who has an objection to something you’re thinking right now.
Addicted to Quack is thrilledat Hansen’s retirement, especially since it might free up the Pac-10 from its lame-ish television contract with FSN. ATQ hopes out loud for ESPN, but with the crowded schedule on ESPN during the season, WHAT WILL BECOME OF OUR BELOVED 12:30 a.m. WAC GAMES?
You bastards, you don’t even realize you’re hypothetically taking away our San Jose State/Fresno State games, do you? Don’t make us call our local cable provider and suggest ESPNU. We have five threads of dignity left, and we’re doing our damndest to cling to them.
Thank you for flying Liberian Airways; please help us push the plane to the ramp. Lincoln Pilot Raycom, you’ll always be Jefferson Pilot to us, but the future is here now in stunning fashion: they’re going HD this fall. College football television’s own version of the Nigerian Space Program will ditch their old camera equipment–formerly used in the filming of Wild Goose Chase and other adult film classics–and go full HD. Clay is beyond stunned.
Granted, in live action it looked like ESPN Classic had just discovered the raw footage after eight years at the bottom of a pig trough, but it was there. What are the odds Raycom HD is a blank screen for the first month of the season? The answer is high, my friends, very high.
The cutaway shots of Vanderbilt Stadium’s turf during game action will look more dazzling than ever!
Goddamned discount cadavers bit us in the ass again. Mizzou wideout Danario Alexander will be out until October with a torn ligament in his knee, and not just any ligament: it’s the zombie ligament he had grafted onto the joint in an earlier surgery.
An MRI showed that a graft taken from a human cadaver had retorn.
Two things. We’re against the use of cadaver ligaments since that’s one of the ways the global zombie invasion happens, and we want you all to know we stand one hundred percent against the undead threat to our civilization and way of life. Second, if you must use zombie ligaments, be sure to pay top price for solid gear, or this is what happens. China provides good strong ones, but the toxicity is off the charts; South America’s decent, but relentless all-night dance parties means tensile fatigue could be an issue. Don’t even sniff at the Russian market–they could be selling you rehydrated beef jerky in formalin, for all we know.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
Lake The Posts Northwestern football, which is purple and smarter than you and no thank you would NOT like a ten win season at the cost of academic integrity, thank you very much.
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