Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, we have begun the best method we could think of to write about teams we know next to nothing about: asking others to write about them for us. Lake the Posts provides our debut, bringing it under the requisite thousand words and even passing the cringe-inducing Jimmy Buffett Test in the process.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

A: Red. Red as in major warning to other teams that we will be good this year. Red as in seeing red for new DC, Mike Hankwitz who we landed after Wisconsin dumped him and now will add to the “border war” with Bucky in 2009. Red as in financial as we continue to be the attendance enigma despite what will be a great year. And Red as in redshirt freshman on the o-line, the big question mark for the year.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Northwestern football: NOW WITH QUEEN!

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

You stumped me on this, so I called in the Purple bullpen and the best I’ve heard is late 30s Japan. Tiny country (smallest Big Ten school) that is hard to find on the map, but acquiring great generals (two new coordinators) under a rising leader (Fitz) to become a true force but is being underestimated by the world (Big Ten) powers. Unfortunately, while we will Pearl Harbor a few teams this year, we still will get our own Hiroshima against Ohio State marring an otherwise excellent year.

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

A: Tyrell Sutton RB- The Big Ten freshman of the year is now a senior and when healthy, sick stats, the “when” has been all too sporadic.

CJ Bacher, QB - flashes of greatness and impressive 19 TDS, too many flashes of poor decision making and 19 INTs. New OC, and QB mentor should make marked difference.

Andrew Brewer WR - Sidd Finch of NU as he has 1 career reception, but former QB rounds out our deepest WR corps, possibly since the dawn of the spread.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

Michigan State Oct. 11 - Ryan Field - series has turned out some of the wildest games in conference in past decade and will be key in the “have to win to go 5-3″ category

@ Michigan Nov. 18 @ Big House - Spread vs Spread with NU actually having the first legitimate shot to win since ‘95

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

Ohio State Nov. 8 - at Ryan Field. Most people reading this have only had one Cats win (2004) in their lifetime. They not only beat us, they punish us.

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

O-line experience - redshirt freshman will be at center and guard, and a DE playmaker/sackmaster. Could change with the high expectations of new DC, Mike Hankwitz.

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious–do it.

Changes in Lattitudes, Changes in Attitudes. Swap out Lattitudes with coordinators, hum the chorus and you’ve got NU in 2008 nailed…

It’s those changes in latitudes,
changes in attitudes nothing remains quite the same.
With all of our running and all of our (g)unning,
If we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane.

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

8-4 (5-3). Senior-laden at all the skill spots, returning to the no-huddle spread and favorable schedule. Cats looking to run non-conference table for, get this, first time since 1962 but can’t in my right mind think this is the year despite Syracuse, Duke, Ohio and Southern Illinois as the list. Ten bucks says the “streak” continues with a September letdown somewhere. Will surprise in conference.

Thanks, boys. If you’d like to read more about Northwestern football, the Library of Congress recommends Lake the Posts. If you’d like to contribute your own Visiting Lecturer post, please contact us at harumphharumph of the gmail email variety address.