Camels are an excellent alternative if you find yourself too drunk to operate a vehicle. Trust us on this one.

Respectable drunkards just come out and own being a drunk, something we’d much rather see than a drunk in denial. Drunks in denial buy thirty airplane bottles and drink alone in the dark; admitted drunks are social and often very fun when they’re not repeating the same thing fifty times in a night.

Kenny Stabler picked up his third DUI since 1995, an aggressive tally by lay standards but a pitiful total on the Estonian scale of drunk driving achievement. (”Estonia: Pioneering Online Finance So You Don’t Have To Stagger Out of the House To Balance the Books.”) Stabler has no defense for a DUI, since as Todd helpfully points out, Stabler himself named drinking and driving (or at least, drinking, and then driving) as one of the great obstacles impeding any chance of him staying married successfully.

“All I wanna do is drive around in my truck and drink Jack Daniels… and they just don’t understand.”

They never do, Kenny, and we feel you. All we want to do is lift work out, crash cars, shoot automatic weapons, and occasionally get so drunk we wake up on the surface of the sun, Kenny. Throw in a weekly gift certificate at Amazon.com and a video gaming system, and we’ve pretty much illustrated the illusory comforts that will keep us safely ensconced in The Matrix for life.

Kenny seemingly has no defense, and may get in trouble from those who will somehow connect his inability to resist the siren call presented by sailing the six-striped dividing line cranked on Jack Daniels. (”But there are only two lines, Orson…” Ah, not if you’re ingesting whole half-bottles of whiskey, there aren’t.) We instead remind you that you can always get the man a cab, since he remains an excellent color announcer for Alabama football games. Be tolerant not of his behavior, but of his weaknesses. Someone buy the man a damn golf cart and then get the hell out of the way.

In conclusion, let us present the only defense we can present for Kenny, which is this picture:


“His beard is tri-colored…like a sex beagle’s.”—Barstoolio.

He should just present this picture in court. It would beat any other rationale he could use in his defense, since he has none, really.