In a concept as meaningful and innovative as their “Who’s Now” segments, ESPN is asking college football fans to submit their suggestions for “The Face of The Program:”
Every football school has a Face of the Program, that iconic image you think of when talking football on campus. Here’s your chance to help define who or what that is. Is it that fabled coach? A legendary player? A memorable play? A unique mascot? SportsNation is taking all suggestions as you help decide the Face of the Program.
Oh, boy howdy do we ever have suggestions! And they’re all totally sincere trust us yes! For your school, if you’re as fond of mockery as we are, you’ll go ahead and submit one of our handy nominees listed below. Feel free to copy and paste the image location, as we’d like nothing more than
Bruce Feldman at ESPN has this year’s edition of one of our favorite testosterone-raising articles of the year, the “workout warriors” piece. Our digital copy is covered in awe, so we can’t hand it to you, but we suggest you get your own, and let the following excerpts convince you to go ahead and read the whole thing.
…who throws around 100-pound kettlebells and 180-pound dumbbells….
…asked if he’s even seen anything that big, move that fast, USC strength coach Chris Carlisle paused for a few moments: “Maybe when I walked by the cheetah cage at the wildlife park.”
…Like the time he once killed an alligator with a shovel. Bailey, who wowed Miami coaches with his smooth transition from linebacker to defensive end, was almost as impressive in Miami’s spring workouts where he weighed in at 286 pounds with 8 percent body fat and vertical jumped 38.5 inches and power cleaned 375 pounds — numbers that surely are adding to the Bailey folklore around Coral Gables.
It’s mandatory reading, and something to think about that when you’re using the rubber bands at the gym today. (But they’re the thick heavy ones!) Until you’ve killed an alligator with a shovel, you’ve got some lifting to do, son.
The E’ers are pulling e’er closer to Missouri in the Fulmer Cup, something we’ll summarize in a Fulmer Cupdate as soon as we get in touch with Boardmeister Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson.
In the meantime…JoePa’s teaching media relations, and you know what that means. No, not detailed discussions of the possible effects the telegraph could have on coverage, and how William Randolph Hearst’s massive media empire is poised to take advantage of it like no other robber baron can!
No, it means this reality altering concept: JoePa, the metamedia lecturer.
“It’s impossible to tell the difference between a good blogger and a bad blogger,” he said. “The media has to figure out a way to teach students about the impact of blogging on legitimate journalism.”
It makes fun of it for the most part, Joe. It also gives an opportunity to use profanity and photoshop, and to put down all the thoughts someone else might not be able to fit in an 800 word column or bland game summary. Outside of that, there’s not much else to it, Joe, and need not be anything more than that.
Camels are an excellent alternative if you find yourself too drunk to operate a vehicle. Trust us on this one.
Respectable drunkards just come out and own being a drunk, something we’d much rather see than a drunk in denial. Drunks in denial buy thirty airplane bottles and drink alone in the dark; admitted drunks are social and often very fun when they’re not repeating the same thing fifty times in a night.
Kenny Stabler picked up his third DUI since 1995, an aggressive tally by lay standards but a pitiful total on the Estonian scale of drunk driving achievement. (”Estonia: Pioneering Online Finance So You Don’t Have To Stagger Out of the House To Balance the Books.”) Stabler has no defense for a DUI, since as Todd helpfully points out, Stabler himself named drinking and driving (or at least, drinking, and then driving) as one of the great obstacles impeding any chance of him staying married successfully.
“All I wanna do is drive around in my truck and drink Jack Daniels… and they just don’t understand.”
They never do, Kenny, and we feel you. All we want to do is lift work out, crash cars, shoot automatic weapons, and occasionally get so drunk we wake up on the surface of the sun, Kenny. Throw in a weekly gift certificate at Amazon.com and a video gaming system, and we’ve pretty much illustrated the illusory comforts that will keep us safely ensconced in The Matrix for life.
Kenny seemingly has no defense, and may get in trouble from those who will somehow connect his inability to resist the siren call presented by sailing the six-striped dividing line cranked on Jack Daniels. (”But there are only two lines, Orson…” Ah, not if you’re ingesting whole half-bottles of whiskey, there aren’t.) We instead remind you that you can always get the man a cab, since he remains an excellent color announcer for Alabama football games. Be tolerant not of his behavior, but of his weaknesses. Someone buy the man a damn golf cart and then get the hell out of the way.
In conclusion, let us present the only defense we can present for Kenny, which is this picture: (more…)
Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, we have begun the best method we could think of to write about teams we know next to nothing about: asking others to write about them for us. Lake the Posts provides our debut, bringing it under the requisite thousand words and even passing the cringe-inducing Jimmy Buffett Test in the process.
One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:
A: Red. Red as in major warning to other teams that we will be good this year. Red as in seeing red for new DC, Mike Hankwitz who we landed after Wisconsin dumped him and now will add to the “border war” with Bucky in 2009. Red as in financial as we continue to be the attendance enigma despite what will be a great year. And Red as in redshirt freshman on the o-line, the big question mark for the year.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Northwestern football: NOW WITH QUEEN!
Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?
You stumped me on this, so I called in the Purple bullpen and the best I’ve heard is late 30s Japan. Tiny country (smallest Big Ten school) that is hard to find on the map, but acquiring great generals (two new coordinators) under a rising leader (Fitz) to become a true force but is being underestimated by the world (Big Ten) powers. Unfortunately, while we will Pearl Harbor a few teams this year, we still will get our own Hiroshima against Ohio State marring an otherwise excellent year.
Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.(more…)
Self-confidence is the confidence of the self which is the opposite of impossible. Weird-ass headlines continue to linger about regarding the departure of the Big East’s longtime head Mike Tranghese, like the following from ESPN: Big East schools’ self-confidence puts Tranghese at ease. The schools of the Big East obviously lacked strong father figures and did not respond to our self-esteem curriculum a few years back. Confidence is important, you know. Guys like Ted Bundy and Robert Vesco had it in spades, and look where they are today.
If you need instruction in confidence, look no further than Michael Cera, an expert in the principles of personal development.
He’ll have you feeling as cocksure as Cincinnati athletics in no time.
Sweden’s the greatest if you get someone to pay the rent. Sometimes small school college football has unforeseeable and excellent results: G.C. McCoy, an Oklahoma native and former player at Ottawa (Kan.) University, ended up playing for a Swedish league football team. His life sounds like an unending hell of uninterrupted workout sessions, free rent, and kinky sex.
“I have a great life here,” he said. “I just work out, coach and play football games on Saturday, then go out and meet women on the weekend in Stockholm.”
This is the weirdest article I may have ever read. The words this ignorant person tried to use are repulsive. Who in the world does he think is going to read this a nobel prize winner, what a joke. I believe that this guy has probaly never steped foot on a playing field and i bet that he had his lunch stole from him at school everyday. What a loser, he needs to go write for some magazine that id directed toward people with IQ’s in the 1000’s. This was not up to Sporting News standards.
Maxim can be mindbending if you read it before a few cups of meth. We mean, coffee. By the way, we have Cal fans who read this blog, meaning we do expect Nobel prize winners to read our writing. George Smoot likes a cleanly run iso play as much as anyone else.
John Walters lists his top ten games for 2008, and if you read it and actually start thinking about the games, you’ll kick a hole in the wall out of excitement.
Doug of the eminently funny Hey Jenny Slater turned 30, and likely just discovered something about turning 30: the “maelstrom of booze” approach toward a night of drinking that once merely made your inner Hrothgar laugh at the storm now leaves you a very, very unhappy Viking.
The very last memory I have of that night is of two drinks sitting in front of me: a tequila shot and a partially-consumed glass of Scotch.
I, uh, don’t recommend it.
Neither do we, Doug. If you have to touch brown liquor after 30, be sure to stick to the two-stage Goddard Rocket school of drinking: one liquor for ignition, then switch to a solid booster to finish out the evening. Vodka and champagne is a good combo, since you want to work from high proof to low proof as the evening goes on, unless you’re the sort of person who believes in kicking in the afterburners fifty feet prior to massive, fatal impact with the ground. (The “Launchpad McQuack School of Drinking.”)
It’s a plane crash either way, but we like to land belly down on the tarmac.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
Lake The Posts Northwestern football, which is purple and smarter than you and no thank you would NOT like a ten win season at the cost of academic integrity, thank you very much.
Maize ‘n Brew And still yet another strong, funny, and literate Michigan blogger. Embarrassment of riches over there, really.
MGoBlog The horribly, admirably partisan Kodiak Bear of UM Blogs
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Camels are an excellent alternative if you find yourself too drunk to operate a vehicle. Trust us on this one.
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