Monday’s lead story reported that Florida quarterback Tim Tebow was instrumental in the weekend capture of terror mastermind Osama bin Laden. A US government spokeswoman informed us late last night that while Mr. Tebow has been an active participant in the manhunt, he has aligned himself with numerous federal agencies in a strictly advisory capacity. As of this posting, bin Laden remains at large. We regret the error.

Tuesday’s post “SEXXAY TENDENCIES” included the phone number for the University of South Carolina, which was listed as “800-588-2300.” This was accompanied by a chorus singing the phrase “EMPIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!” This is, in fact, the number for Empire Carpets, and not the South Carolina Gamecocks athletic department, who may be reached at 1-800-WIN-COCKS.

Get out of my head, earworm from hell!

Thursday’s Curious Index was published with an inaccurate photo caption. This man is not former Texas A&M coach Dennis Franchione: (more…)

…there’s sinkholes at Indiana. In addition, you can watch me lightning bolt the daylights out of Hayes in our head-to-head over our extremely, extremely premature top 25s.

One of the principals in the ongoing poop-fight over Rich Rodriguez’s contract buyout, Mike Garrison, is resigning as the president of West Virginia University. In addition to earning the enmity of football boosters by (in their eyes, at least) dicking around DickRod, he also handed out an MBA to the governor’s daughter. This would have been just fine if she’d taken the coursework and passed all the classes, which inconveniently for Garrison, she had not.

If you would like an MBA from WVU, Garrison should be in his office for the next few hours. Be sure to mention a fictional position of power potentially beneficial to him: we recommend calling with a fake accent and identifying yourself as “The Sultan of Glutan,” who is not only interested in financing a pro-smoking sci-fi picture starring Brad Pitt, but also has an open position at the University of Glutan waiting for him.

Football probably didn’t have everything to do with this, but to suggest the Rodriguez scandal didn’t have something to do with it would be as dumb as, say granting a university degree or admission to school based on the cheap calculus of political favors. (For more fun in this department, see the blowup referenced here at our own alma mater. Florida’s gay governor wants well-connected doctors, dammit!)

HT: TCOAN

We’re left a bit speechless. Provide your own commentary below for this retro pile party pic from Texas A&M. That coach in the background looks jacked that this is happening.

Heading off internet gossip the blog way: by printing it, and then mocking it. A rumor sizzled around various message boards yesterday that Knowshon Moreno was in some form of trouble at UGA, thus sending a white dove of giddy hope springing from our ear and soaring o’er the heav’ns in celebration. (Nothing harmful; we just hoped he done something like given up football for a lucrative career as a blogger, or gotten religion Mase-style, or perhaps sought to become a red-eyed yogi like Ricky Williams.)

Of course, it was crap. Knowshon, according to our sources, just got a little too attitudinal for the coaches’ liking and was sent home following the spring semester to live with his family and then, after having sense knocked into him by family, was itching to come back. So, in short: nothin’ from nothin’.
Knowshon seems more than ready to crank that in the fall. Celebrate or mourn, depending on your team affiliation.

Jeff Tedford, on the other hand: is actually becoming a blogger of sorts, running what he promises will be a regularly updated blog on the Cal website. Pete Carroll swears not only to outdo him, but to BLOG FOREVER!

Over the last few years, I have been teased by my players for not being up-to-date with the latest internet developments like youtube, facebook and itunes, but I realize it’s a reality and want to use it productively to communicate with you, the fan. I am hoping to provide the Cal fans with glimpses of the Golden Bear football program from the inside, giving you all some of my thoughts and feelings on various subjects relating to the team.

We can’t wait to see his version of the Pac-10 coaches as South Park characters or those days when he simply posts a bunch of Youtube clips because he’s tired.

How can Rich Brooks be on the “flaming” hot seat when he’s already designated his successor, led Kentucky to the only sustained, non-NCAA-fly-drawing success they’ve had in eons, and will probably bow out gracefully in the next year or so anyway?

“I wanna be…slightly and pleasantly tipsy.” Barry Switzer found that goddurn Zoltar machine from Big! Gonna wish up a few big game players for Stoopsy, a couple a hotties for me an Jimmah, and a well-mixed bourbon and wattah for mahself! Since it’s all for charity, put a dollar in for us: we wish for cornerbacks.

“When you can’t make them see the light, make them feel the heat.” Florida and LSU are both attempting to kill their opening day opponents with talent differentials and insane, practically subcontinental levels of heat and humidity. The opener with Appalachian State will kick off at 3 p.m. in Baton Rouge, meaning mid-90s and soul-killing humidity, not to mention pissed-off Cajuns with “Pheuaxck ESPN” signs mad they didn’t get all day to tailgate.

For Hawaii at Florida, it’s worse: 12:30 p.m. at the Swamp with similar temps in the mid-90s, same ghastly humidity (we won’t nitpick–BR and Gainesville are both hellaciously humid,) and what effectively amounts to a 6:30 a.m. kickoff for the Warriors. Good morning! Welcome to the eighth circle of hell. We’ve saved the ninth for something we call “the second half.”