Our Continental Award goes to Zachary Marshall of Miami of Ohio.

The “not da U” Miami football player accused of aggravated burglary and assault, Zachary Marshall, has a waterproof, game-tight excuse for his barging into a strange apartment and allegedly placing a pillow over the face of one of the apartment’s female occupants.

The lawyer representing a Miami of Ohio football player accused of assaulting a female student in her dorm room says the player was drunk and entered the woman’s room thinking it was his own.

So, it’s customary for him to arrive in his own apartment and then smother whomever’s lying in his bed with a pillow. In the Jerramy Stevens guide to love, this is customary, but we suspect he might have just panicked, tried to shut up the girl once he realized he had a live screaming girl on his hands, and then realized he was actually suffocating someone before doing a mad Andre the Giant wind sprint out of the place.

All in all, the Continental would have been proud of the mucho suave way this was executed and handled. Jason Bourne would have handled it the same way, with the possible addition of killing someone with a phone book on the way out (but only in the most involuntary and remorse-inducing of ways, of course.)

(P.S. The Cincinnati Enquirer adds insult to self-inflicted injury:

Police say his bulky physique helped distinguish him from other suspects.

When he’s a tiny 180 pounds and in the throes of manorexia, we’ll blame your toxic sizism, you bastards at the Enquirer.)