MIAMI OF OHIO CUPDATE: IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME

by Orson on Jun 5, 2008 12:13 PM EDT

Our Continental Award goes to Zachary Marshall of Miami of Ohio.

The "not da U" Miami football player accused of aggravated burglary and assault, Zachary Marshall, has a waterproof, game-tight excuse for his barging into a strange apartment and allegedly placing a pillow over the face of one of the apartment's female occupants.

The lawyer representing a Miami of Ohio football player accused of assaulting a female student in her dorm room says the player was drunk and entered the woman's room thinking it was his own.

So, it's customary for him to arrive in his own apartment and then smother whomever's lying in his bed with a pillow. In the Jerramy Stevens guide to love, this is customary, but we suspect he might have just panicked, tried to shut up the girl once he realized he had a live screaming girl on his hands, and then realized he was actually suffocating someone before doing a mad Andre the Giant wind sprint out of the place.

All in all, the Continental would have been proud of the mucho suave way this was executed and handled. Jason Bourne would have handled it the same way, with the possible addition of killing someone with a phone book on the way out (but only in the most involuntary and remorse-inducing of ways, of course.)

(P.S. The Cincinnati Enquirer adds insult to self-inflicted injury:

Police say his bulky physique helped distinguish him from other suspects.

When he's a tiny 180 pounds and in the throes of manorexia, we'll blame your toxic sizism, you bastards at the Enquirer.)

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since when is autoerotic asphyxiation a crime? steven milligan says “take my breath away” indeed, you large ominous redhawk you

by WorstFan on Jun 5, 2008 12:42 PM EDT reply actions

Yeah but our Hockey team are model fucking citizens!

Seriously, someone at Skippers or Bagel and Deli in Oxford, OH needs to hook up the football players with a discount so they can sober up before making this kind of mistake.

At least the Cincy Enquirer is covering it. When a TOSU gets arrested, takes cash, gets gifts from donors, father runs a training camp against NCAA regualtions, fails to pass classes but still gets to play in bowl games…the paper ignores it.

by Ryno on Jun 5, 2008 12:48 PM EDT reply actions

Did he at least offer her any Champagne first????

by Alagator on Jun 5, 2008 12:54 PM EDT reply actions

“realized he had a live screaming girl on his hands.”

If I had a dollar…..

Also, still better than a dead, silent boy.

by GamecockTony on Jun 5, 2008 1:00 PM EDT reply actions

To be fair, he was drunk AND he just got done reading Native Son.

by bk on Jun 5, 2008 1:08 PM EDT reply actions

100 cocktails to bk @ 5.

by Chuck on Jun 5, 2008 1:13 PM EDT reply actions

She’s pissed because when his drunken, 289 lb body hit the mattress, it propelled her sleeping, 118 lb body first to the ceiling, then to the floor, where she soiled her best thong and commenced screaming in an “only a pillow can stop this” pitch and volume.

I say it was self defense, lawya.

by Sundawg on Jun 5, 2008 1:16 PM EDT reply actions

Zack M. : So, I jump out of the bushes, I run out in the street screaming, “I’m the bird! I’m the little bird! And the Bitch will burn in Hell!” I must have run fifteen blocks before the cops picked me up.

Also, I was nude. There were a variety of charges.

by skinnyphatman on Jun 5, 2008 1:18 PM EDT reply actions

From the paper…
His lawyer, Robert Peeler, says his client laid down on what he thought was his bed and then jumped up and left when he realized his mistake.

Is his attorney implying that she mistook him for a pillow?????

by blon57 on Jun 5, 2008 1:19 PM EDT reply actions

I had a friend who attended Miami in the late 90’s. She participated in a “Take Back the Night” march that happened to pass the athletic dorm. One of the more progressive athletes decided it would be a good idea to play Nirvana’s “Rape Me” as the activists marched. It’s a classy place, that Miami of Ohio.

by comoprozac on Jun 5, 2008 1:30 PM EDT reply actions

Blon57 – the 2007 Ohio University football team could testify to that effect.

sorry DevilGrad…

by Out of Conference on Jun 5, 2008 1:35 PM EDT reply actions

@10- Probably an anti-rape song but the admin. staff of my tiny liberal arts/catholic college did not like the lyrics either so instead pf Nirvana we had Alanis Morisette.

by leNDmeabuck on Jun 5, 2008 2:04 PM EDT reply actions

He shoulda tried the Josh McNeil defense first.

by yoyofutbawl on Jun 5, 2008 3:22 PM EDT reply actions

The Young Man had too much to drink and entered the wrong room. Then, even in His drunken state, He remembered His room mate’s sleep apnia treatments. Did He shirk His responsability? NO! He attempted to carry out those treatments! What a caring, big hearted, gentle giant of a man!

by shanensga on Jun 6, 2008 8:53 AM EDT reply actions

Sounds like another night in Oxford. Nice small idyllic liberal arts school with a rape / sexual assault issues. They average 2/3 of these a semester. Definately doing their big brother “The U” proud! Stay classy Foreskins.

by Cincyobserver on Jun 6, 2008 4:49 PM EDT reply actions