She’s the kitchen wench, and all grease; and I know not what use to put her but to make a lamp of her and run her from her own light. I warrant, her rags and the tallow in them will burn a Poland winter. If she lives till doomsday, she’ll burn a week longer than the whole world.

[p/s Happy Mustache Wednesday! You can shave it off, honey, but we know it's there, and so does your crimson elephant-god.]

The internet is made for certain things: pornography, poorly written college football sites, and anonymous douchebags assailing all they survey. However, it’s also made for Youtube, which despite its extremely misleading video titles (DAMMIT! “Rollergirl hot sex” is actually a 9/11 conspiracy video? AGAIN?) occasionally yields something as magnficent as this.

Screencaps are for the weak; the retro is now with filming right off the screen.

Sometimes Northwestern football players win lopsided fights against impossible odds.

Gas is expensive, but the sweet fuel of American ingenuity remains cheap: liquor, sweet liquor, served by the gallon to the aged and underaged. Combine the two, and you will get an explosive combination resulting in…um…nothing good, for the most part, unless you count amusing roadside sobriety tests. (Lemonade from lemons, dear reader.)

First, Huskers put the “tight” in “tight end.” In order to be a Nebraska tight end you must have a cool sounding name, a test easily passed by the superbly monikered Hunter Teafatiller. In 2007, he caught four passes for thirty four yards; sometime this weekend, the 220 pound Teafatiller caught somewhere in the range of 12 alcoholic beverages in a single drinking session before being pulled over on suspicion of DUI with a 0.20 BAC, good and drunk by anyone’s standards.

It’s Teafatiller’s third DUI in the past two seasons, and it elicits both personal empathies and harsh criticism from the outstanding Corn Nation:

Here’s guessing Teafatiller’s actions over the weekend will result in his dismissal from the team…I don’t mean to get on an ivory tower having been arrested for DWI myself when I was nineteen. I know stupid. I have done more stupid things in my life than you and your extended family put together. Trying to race your mom’s van down the main street of your home town in front of the police station at 2:30 am during a snow storm is pretty damned stupid. Just how stupid it is hits you when you’re sliding sideways at about 45 mph, hoping you don’t hit a light pole, and you simultaneously notice that the cops have not yet gone to bed but are standing right next to their car watching you from about 20 yards away.

Well, at least you got your juvenile DUI in style, sir. (more…)

We asked; you answered: Following the posting of the Pac-10 EDSBS Custom Cocktails, we began researching a companion piece on Division I Shots and put out feelers to college towns across America for the local flavors that give their fans a quick fix. We received a slew (that can’t be a real word) of responses from Readers Like You, clamoring to be included in the next fine installment. The most notable are collected below for your imbibing pleasure. Stay thirsty, my friends.

Dear EDSBS,

I’m a South Carolina fan, so I just can’t resist relaxing with a hearty jug of this all-season favorite at the game!

Sincerely, Bobby in Columbia

(more…)

Li’l Red is the inflatable sideline mascot for Nebraska. He terrifies us like no other mascot, a jiggling amoebic giant with a toddler’s face who moves with a herky-jerky gait and will, at his most frightening moments, walk on his disturbingly short hands. He’s like something out of a David Lynch movie, and we don’t mean something good out of a David Lynch movie like an extremely long lesbian love scene with Naomi Watts. We mean something like the heartplugs from Dune, or the midget from Twin Peaks. He simply scares the hide off of us.

Anyway, we thought he would have the same effect on people throughout human history. Thus, a fictional premise was cooked up and sent to LSUFreek. We just stood behind a blast shield and waited for the returned project to explode into our inbox, and explode it did. Any and all credit goes to him and him alone, especially for the phrase “Baby Geezus in a Chicken Basket!”

EDSBS presents: Adventures in Time With Li’l Red. (Click for a larger image)

All praise to Freek, and stay tuned for more Adventures in Time with L’il Red, kids!