Next time you get high, just get to know your furniture. It’s cheap, easy, and won’t get you arrested.

We’ll drop a bomb of personal revelation: believe it or not, at one time we smoked weed. During our brief and unhectic time as a stoner, we learned important lessons about ourselves and the world that only marijuana could teach. For instance, we didn’t know we enjoyed Cabin Boy as much as any film we’ve ever seen, or that you can take an entire angel food cake and compact it into a single ball of sugar and egg whites about the size of a softball if you press it hard enough, and that you can eat said ball like some kind of sinister, diabetes-inducing edible softball.

We also, pre-weed, did not realize that couches had souls and names. (Ours was Wally; he vacillated from sadness to happiness at the drop of a hat, and had a penchant for the documentaries of Chris Marker and Brazilian afro-funk. See, non-stoners? You learn things on weed. We bet you don’t even know your couch’s sign. Walter’s? Sagittarius, of course. A rascal, that Wally.)

We never, never got violent in the name of weed. It’s just not that kind of thing, making the arrest of Bowling Green offensive lineman Orlando Barrow even stranger. Appropriately, Bowling Green takes their weed very, very seriously.

Bowling Green Police Lt. Tony Hetrick said investigators are seeking two other men who reportedly broke into an apartment at the Enclave II complex, pointed what turned out to be Airsoft guns at the three occupants, and demanded marijuana.

Airsoft guns fire a small plastic ball hard enough to sting–sting, we tell you! HOW YOU STAY SO GANGSTA, Orlando? As any plan this well-thought out goes, they results were dismal: after threatening to kill the occupants of the apartment and ransacking the place, the three fled. Allen was picked up a short time afterwards, though the two men accompanying him were not, meaning there’s two weed-craving madman on the loose in Bowling Green who will use fake guns in order to get what they want.

We suggest lures of compacted angel food cakes hung as bait to catch the remaining culprits. For Orlando Barrow, however, we give no cake, and instead award seven Fulmer Cup points to Bowling Green for the aggravated burglary and abduction charges. (Three for each felony count, and one bonus point for the genius of their “break in, scream and demand weed, and then run out” game plan.) Bowling Green, keep the fire burning tonight, sirs, and remember that if you’d just stayed home, eaten some chips, and watched Hellboy for the 26th time on DVD, none of this would have happened.