ALL NAME TEAM 2008: BIG EAST

by Orson on Jun 3, 2008 12:03 PM EDT

Now that Steeletide has passed, we have no excuse not to begin our half-assed memorization of rosters and names. This brings us to the naming of names for 2008, the select and finest monikers from college football for 2008.

Our first all-star team comes from the Big East, who sets the bar high with a roster of names so colorful they belong in a Tom Robbins' novel.

The Big East All-Name Team, 2008.

QB: Jabu Lovelace, Rutgers. Just waiting to freak all of you with his sensual moves and tender, loving body, assembled ladies of the Big East. All game, all night. Love, Jabu.

Business time has a new name: Jabu o'clock, ladies.

RB: LaRod Stephens-Howling. "LaRod Stephens-Howling, noted art critic, botanist, adventurer, MP, important member of the Oxford Footlights Theatrical Troupe, memoirist, discoverer of no fewer than three lost tribes of the lower Okavango River Delta, and outstanding running back for the University of Pittsburgh." We feel classier just typing his name. Little known fact: wears a cravat at all times, even under his uniform.

Honorable mention, RB: Isiah Pead, Cincinnati. Juvenile, yes; effective, yes.

WR: Dontavia Bogan, USF. The fusion of a faux-Latinate synth-name and the Aussie word for "chav" is simply irresistable. A more Americanized version of the name would be "Expelvia Cracker."

WR: Marshwan Gilyard, Cincinnati. The kind of name born to be announced during a Thursday night ESPN contest. Also give the announcer the chance to make satisfying "Schwa" noise in the middle of the name, and if that keep Mike Patrick stable enough to not kill six men a night in barfights after the game, we'll encourage ESPN to schedule as many Bearcat games as possible this year.

WR: Tiquan Underwood, Rutgers. Pronounced "Tai-kwan," and coupled with a name synonymous with quality canned deviled ham. Doubt the validity of the phrase "quality canned deviled ham," but do not deny the deep awesome of this name.

TE: Rock Keys, Louisville. Porn star, tight end...whatever. The only way this name could ooze more testosterone is if his coach adopted him, and he became "Rock Kragthorpe, Commando-at-large." We're not saying Steve Kragthorpe's whole name is "Steve Kragthorpe, Commando-at-large;" however, if your name is as ballsy as "Rock Kragthorpe," it should naturally have a title like "commando-at-large" following it.

OL: Selvish Capers, West Virginia. Dastardly 18th century villain and child labor enthusiast!

OL: Alex LaMagdelaine, UConn. Author of several of the most moving romances your wife will read this year.

OL: Tucker Baumbach, Syracuse. In his spare time directs affecting family dramas.

OL: Jatavious Jackson, USF. An alliterative masterpiece, with the first name as an adjective of undefined value. We suggest this definition:

Jatavious: Ja-ta-vi-ous, adj. Sexually audacious in a devious way. Usage: "The way he kept multiple mistresses on hold for years at a time was positively jatavious."

OL: Marlon Romulus, Rutgers. Mythic and astronomical in a single name. An offensive lineman's name with girth and appropriate bulk.

K: San San Te, Rutgers. Continuing Rutgers "trend of two" of recruiting Asian kickers.

DT: Scooter Berry, WVU. Aw, look at him! His name's "Scooter!" He's just so cuuuuute AAHHHHH GOOOOODDDD GET HIM OFF OF ME THE PAIN AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

DT: Sampson Genus, USF. Having a defensive tackle named "Sampson Genus" should give you two points on the board already in every conference game.

DE: Jarriett Buie, USF. BUUUUUUUUIIIEEEEEE!!!!

DE: Rodney Gnat, Louisville. Pesky, agile defender. A bit undersized.

LB: Brouce Mompremier, USF. THE Brouce Mompremier? A name stuck somewhere between the regular nightclub singer at the Grand Cayman Hilton and Caribbean dictator.

LB: Andre Revels, Cincinnati. Further bonus points are given for names that are full sentences in their own right. "Andre revels? Well, good for him."

LB: Ovid Goulbourne, WVU. The "master of love" himself will caress and hold down the weak side as only a true magister amoris can.

CB: Woodny Turenne, Louisville. If you agonize between naming your child "Woody" or "Rodney", your solution is here at last.

CB: Guesly Dervil, WVU. A name deemed "too fake" by J.R.R. Tolkien for use in The Hobbit.

FS: Franchot "Boogie" Allen, WVU. Double winner for badass French first name and a mandatory nickname included in the roster.

SS: Zaire Kitchen, Rutgers. Saw them at SXSW. Amazing. To hell with Wolf Parade; these guys have the juice, man.

Punter: Teddy Dellaganna, Rutgers. A weak field means Teddy Dellaganna is our official all name punter for the Big East, forcing us to rely on lame Italian jokes re: Rutgers as usual. Pasta! Mamma mia! Organized crime-a! Basta!

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Comments

They ain’t got nothin on Mike Hunt.

by yoyofutbawl on Jun 3, 2008 12:05 PM EDT reply actions

Looking forward to the ACC edition: Bearthur Johnson is still on the roster at Maryland.

by DevilGrad on Jun 3, 2008 12:08 PM EDT reply actions

http://www.toledoblade.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080603/NEWS03/868592679

Bowling Green on the Fulmer Cup board.

by MACAttack on Jun 3, 2008 12:14 PM EDT reply actions

yarrrr……Bea Arthur’s Johnson… now there’s a rock band name I could live with

by Pirate Petey on Jun 3, 2008 12:14 PM EDT reply actions

- they broke in to steal marijuana? They can’t buy it on the street like everyone else?

by hobeg8r on Jun 3, 2008 12:31 PM EDT reply actions

Looking forward to the SEC team. Southern blacks put Northern blacks to shame when it comes to Ancient Roman sounding names.

by The Gentleman Masher on Jun 3, 2008 12:35 PM EDT reply actions

Dontavia and Ovid need to get together and record an R&B single. Maybe something like “Amo Tu Alte” (I love you deeply)

by AllWhoYonder on Jun 3, 2008 12:38 PM EDT reply actions

The naming of players is a difficult matter,
it isn’t just one of your holiday games…

by CincySooner on Jun 3, 2008 1:16 PM EDT reply actions

I assume Barkevious Mingo of West Monroe, LA is the consensus number #1 rated recruit for 2009?

by Chips O'Toole on Jun 3, 2008 1:18 PM EDT reply actions

i would bet you all of the six dollars i currently have on my person that he pronounces it “marshawn,” not the far-more-satisfying “mar-schwan.” sorta like dwyane wade.

and in any case – my two-week period as a poetry major compels me to buy you a thousand cocktails for the ’master of love" reference. sweeeeet.

by matty blue on Jun 3, 2008 1:19 PM EDT reply actions

Clempson had Gary Cooper & Richard Burton on the same team sometime in the 80s. Not to mention Jerry Butler & Tyrone Davis back in the late 70s.

Lotsa actin & soul singin there.

7 – Ovid gottin be goin through his metamorphises first.

by yoyofutbawl on Jun 3, 2008 1:21 PM EDT reply actions

There are few names more satisfying than “Captain Munnerlyn.”

by CockDonor on Jun 3, 2008 1:24 PM EDT reply actions

Major Wright. I think we have the making of an army in the SEC.

by hobeg8r on Jun 3, 2008 1:26 PM EDT reply actions

Oxford Footlights?

by PeteJayhawk on Jun 3, 2008 1:31 PM EDT reply actions

Orson … TCOAN wants you in the other room to re-determine certain things about yourself. Right now.

by Kenny on Jun 3, 2008 1:47 PM EDT reply actions

#11, I had both a Munson and a McCrackin in my law school class.

by Vol on Jun 3, 2008 2:07 PM EDT reply actions

The Tucker “Noah” Baumbach reference flew completely over their heads. I mean we all know Syracuse would be the Sperm, but who would be the Whale? Pitt?

by Oranse Taylor on Jun 3, 2008 2:14 PM EDT reply actions

Wf’nVU fullback Thor Merrow didn’t make the team? http://www.msnsportsnet.com/profile.cfm?id=101240

by paco on Jun 3, 2008 2:14 PM EDT reply actions

-
Its the SQUID and the Whale.
PRETENTIOUS FAIL

by Junior04 on Jun 3, 2008 2:28 PM EDT reply actions

Very strong out the gate.

I knew a kid name Rock Lockwood growing up.

by OhioDawg on Jun 3, 2008 2:36 PM EDT reply actions

I kinda partial to the D’Brickashaw “Shank” Ferguson myself, if he was a Navy Fighter pilot….
I would like to one day, just hang out in the Nursery as a nurses assistant at an southern inner city hospital as the kids are born and the nurses are in the back room laughing at loud at the configuration and conjugation of the english language on the birth certificates when they pick them up after the mother decides on a name…..

by Mr Pelican Pants on Jun 3, 2008 2:38 PM EDT reply actions

“Rock Keys” triggering any MST3K neurons out there?

by Rich on Jun 3, 2008 2:41 PM EDT reply actions

What, you mean “Nos Moking (last name)” used by a guest worker from Mexico to name her newborn in honor of the hospital and the pretty red-lit sign in the emergency room on the way in isn’t normal?

by Out of Conference on Jun 3, 2008 3:01 PM EDT reply actions

@23

How about…(after viewing the VD poster at the clinic)….Ima namin my twins…

Sifalis and Ganorah.

by hunglikehussain on Jun 3, 2008 3:10 PM EDT reply actions

What, no John Holmes from WVU? Too obvious, maybe?

by Mikey on Jun 3, 2008 3:15 PM EDT reply actions

I knew a kid name Rock Lockwood growing up.

We knew he’d be something special when he was reverse cowgirling the 2nd grade teacher on top of her desk.

by Oops Pow Surprise on Jun 3, 2008 3:42 PM EDT reply actions

Possibly, but Michigan has secured a commitment from a QB named Shavodrick Beavers.

by crimson daddy on Jun 3, 2008 4:22 PM EDT reply actions

I’m going to name my first born La’Ty’Ronious , you know, because D’Brickashaw was taken!

Instead of just deeming him a bastard and giving him her last name, poor LaRod has two last names because his Mama couldn’t figure out who Daddy was…. SLAP.

by Miss HornDawg on Jun 3, 2008 4:27 PM EDT reply actions

@22:

You mean like “Buff McLargeHuge” or something like that?

by robert on Jun 3, 2008 5:20 PM EDT reply actions

I’m sad that Thor Merrow didn’t make it. Merrow is the DnD term for a Sea Troll, IIRC.

I’ll go back into my cave now.

by poguemahone on Jun 3, 2008 6:59 PM EDT reply actions

“CB: Guesly Dervil, WVU. A name deemed too fake by J.R.R. Tolkien for use in The Hobbit.”

This one had me going.

by Striker on Jun 3, 2008 7:57 PM EDT reply actions

You should do an All-Time, All-Name Hall of Fame. I propose former USC Special Teams standout Forrest Mozart.

True story: I vividly recall watching the USC-Colorado game in 2002 at a sports bar that had it on satellite feed (so no commercials, you just say what the production booth was seeing/hearing during those periods). As soon as Keith Jackson announced that Mozart had made a tackle on a kickoff (going to commercial), he and Dan Fouts started losing it over the name; they also mentioned Frostee Rucker in their laughter before regaining composure as the game resumed.

by Bobak on Jun 4, 2008 12:18 PM EDT reply actions