Now that Steeletide has passed, we have no excuse not to begin our half-assed memorization of rosters and names. This brings us to the naming of names for 2008, the select and finest monikers from college football for 2008.
Our first all-star team comes from the Big East, who sets the bar high with a roster of names so colorful they belong in a Tom Robbins' novel.
The Big East All-Name Team, 2008.
QB: Jabu Lovelace, Rutgers. Just waiting to freak all of you with his sensual moves and tender, loving body, assembled ladies of the Big East. All game, all night. Love, Jabu.
Business time has a new name: Jabu o'clock, ladies.
RB: LaRod Stephens-Howling. "LaRod Stephens-Howling, noted art critic, botanist, adventurer, MP, important member of the Oxford Footlights Theatrical Troupe, memoirist, discoverer of no fewer than three lost tribes of the lower Okavango River Delta, and outstanding running back for the University of Pittsburgh." We feel classier just typing his name. Little known fact: wears a cravat at all times, even under his uniform.
Honorable mention, RB: Isiah Pead, Cincinnati. Juvenile, yes; effective, yes.
WR: Dontavia Bogan, USF. The fusion of a faux-Latinate synth-name and the Aussie word for "chav" is simply irresistable. A more Americanized version of the name would be "Expelvia Cracker."
WR: Marshwan Gilyard, Cincinnati. The kind of name born to be announced during a Thursday night ESPN contest. Also give the announcer the chance to make satisfying "Schwa" noise in the middle of the name, and if that keep Mike Patrick stable enough to not kill six men a night in barfights after the game, we'll encourage ESPN to schedule as many Bearcat games as possible this year.
WR: Tiquan Underwood, Rutgers. Pronounced "Tai-kwan," and coupled with a name synonymous with quality canned deviled ham. Doubt the validity of the phrase "quality canned deviled ham," but do not deny the deep awesome of this name.
TE: Rock Keys, Louisville. Porn star, tight end...whatever. The only way this name could ooze more testosterone is if his coach adopted him, and he became "Rock Kragthorpe, Commando-at-large." We're not saying Steve Kragthorpe's whole name is "Steve Kragthorpe, Commando-at-large;" however, if your name is as ballsy as "Rock Kragthorpe," it should naturally have a title like "commando-at-large" following it.
OL: Selvish Capers, West Virginia. Dastardly 18th century villain and child labor enthusiast!
OL: Alex LaMagdelaine, UConn. Author of several of the most moving romances your wife will read this year.
OL: Tucker Baumbach, Syracuse. In his spare time directs affecting family dramas.
OL: Jatavious Jackson, USF. An alliterative masterpiece, with the first name as an adjective of undefined value. We suggest this definition:
Jatavious: Ja-ta-vi-ous, adj. Sexually audacious in a devious way. Usage: "The way he kept multiple mistresses on hold for years at a time was positively jatavious."
OL: Marlon Romulus, Rutgers. Mythic and astronomical in a single name. An offensive lineman's name with girth and appropriate bulk.
K: San San Te, Rutgers. Continuing Rutgers "trend of two" of recruiting Asian kickers.
DT: Scooter Berry, WVU. Aw, look at him! His name's "Scooter!" He's just so cuuuuute AAHHHHH GOOOOODDDD GET HIM OFF OF ME THE PAIN AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
DT: Sampson Genus, USF. Having a defensive tackle named "Sampson Genus" should give you two points on the board already in every conference game.
DE: Jarriett Buie, USF. BUUUUUUUUIIIEEEEEE!!!!
DE: Rodney Gnat, Louisville. Pesky, agile defender. A bit undersized.
LB: Brouce Mompremier, USF. THE Brouce Mompremier? A name stuck somewhere between the regular nightclub singer at the Grand Cayman Hilton and Caribbean dictator.
LB: Andre Revels, Cincinnati. Further bonus points are given for names that are full sentences in their own right. "Andre revels? Well, good for him."
LB: Ovid Goulbourne, WVU. The "master of love" himself will caress and hold down the weak side as only a true magister amoris can.
CB: Woodny Turenne, Louisville. If you agonize between naming your child "Woody" or "Rodney", your solution is here at last.
CB: Guesly Dervil, WVU. A name deemed "too fake" by J.R.R. Tolkien for use in The Hobbit.
FS: Franchot "Boogie" Allen, WVU. Double winner for badass French first name and a mandatory nickname included in the roster.
SS: Zaire Kitchen, Rutgers. Saw them at SXSW. Amazing. To hell with Wolf Parade; these guys have the juice, man.
Punter: Teddy Dellaganna, Rutgers. A weak field means Teddy Dellaganna is our official all name punter for the Big East, forcing us to rely on lame Italian jokes re: Rutgers as usual. Pasta! Mamma mia! Organized crime-a! Basta!