Everyday Should Be Saturday

June 3, 2008

EDSBS LIVE: THE NARRATIVE EDITION

EDSBS Live returns! Listen here as we decide what the narrative will be for this year, summed up nicely in our patented (not quite) four questions below.

1. What is the best stolen storyline for your team this year? For Florida, this would be the exact storyline of the first 45 minutes of Blow: new comers improve our coverage, apply pressure to the opposition, and then make magic happen resulting in gold-lame speedo victory and beachside mansions in Mexico.


Just like that, but with Tim Tebow instead of Pervy McFondles there.

2. What is the worst stolen storyline for your team this year? The remainder of Blow. Newcomers, after initial success, spiral out of control on their own cockiness and end up in football lockdown.

3. If you could wish one storyline on another team……it would be Texas Tech reading the script of Yellowbeard all season long, with the Red Raiders taking us all on a half-cuddle, half-rape on the way to a national championship. Mike Leach with burning hair twists would be boss, too.

4. The plotline of your life was stolen from……a Wes Anderson movie. There’s strange doctors, a rapidly changing array of vocations, an odd lack of demonstrated emotion between family members, a decent but too coy soundtrack, and garbageloads of unnecessary allusions.

Talk to you tonight through a cold medicine-induced haze. (Seriously: tonight we really will be on that purple drank, but strictly for medicinal purposes.)



Filed under: College football, EDSBS labs presents..., edsbs socializin', media whoring  by Orson Swindle

[NAME REDACTED] GOES ON PLANEBOAT, IMPROVES IT

[NAME REDACTED] caught the USO troop touring bug, visiting sailors on the USS John C. Stennis and even participating in a number of the activities on the ship. They let him drive the ship, work around some planes, and even let him land a plane!

Sadly, there were no “Chimp versus Navy SEALs” games during [NAME REDACTED]’s visit.

Again, good on any coach who spends his free time doing something like this, even if he’s on our permanent angercrack list.

ps. Spurrier and Willingham set to dual visit the S.S. Byron Nelson, strictly for patriotic purposes only.



Filed under: Big 10 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, name redacted  by Orson Swindle

BOWLING GREEN LINEMAN WILL SHOOT YOU FOR WEED

Next time you get high, just get to know your furniture. It’s cheap, easy, and won’t get you arrested.

We’ll drop a bomb of personal revelation: believe it or not, at one time we smoked weed. During our brief and unhectic time as a stoner, we learned important lessons about ourselves and the world that only marijuana could teach. For instance, we didn’t know we enjoyed Cabin Boy as much as any film we’ve ever seen, or that you can take an entire angel food cake and compact it into a single ball of sugar and egg whites about the size of a softball if you press it hard enough, and that you can eat said ball like some kind of sinister, diabetes-inducing edible softball.

We also, pre-weed, did not realize that couches had souls and names. (Ours was Wally; he vacillated from sadness to happiness at the drop of a hat, and had a penchant for the documentaries of Chris Marker and Brazilian afro-funk. See, non-stoners? You learn things on weed. We bet you don’t even know your couch’s sign. Walter’s? Sagittarius, of course. A rascal, that Wally.)

We never, never got violent in the name of weed. It’s just not that kind of thing, making the arrest of Bowling Green offensive lineman Orlando Barrow even stranger. Appropriately, Bowling Green takes their weed very, very seriously.

Bowling Green Police Lt. Tony Hetrick said investigators are seeking two other men who reportedly broke into an apartment at the Enclave II complex, pointed what turned out to be Airsoft guns at the three occupants, and demanded marijuana.

Airsoft guns fire a small plastic ball hard enough to sting–sting, we tell you! HOW YOU STAY SO GANGSTA, Orlando? (more…)



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Fulmer Cup, Mid Major Conferences, weed  by Orson Swindle

ALL NAME TEAM 2008: BIG EAST

Now that Steeletide has passed, we have no excuse not to begin our half-assed memorization of rosters and names. This brings us to the naming of names for 2008, the select and finest monikers from college football for 2008.

Our first all-star team comes from the Big East, who sets the bar high with a roster of names so colorful they belong in a Tom Robbins’ novel.

The Big East All-Name Team, 2008.

QB: Jabu Lovelace, Rutgers. Just waiting to freak all of you with his sensual moves and tender, loving body, assembled ladies of the Big East. All game, all night. Love, Jabu.


Business time has a new name: Jabu o’clock, ladies.

RB: LaRod Stephens-Howling. “LaRod Stephens-Howling, noted art critic, botanist, adventurer, MP, important member of the Oxford Footlights Theatrical Troupe, memoirist, discoverer of no fewer than three lost tribes of the lower Okavango River Delta, and outstanding running back for the University of Pittsburgh.” We feel classier just typing his name. Little known fact: wears a cravat at all times, even under his uniform.

Honorable mention, RB: Isiah Pead, Cincinnati. Juvenile, yes; effective, yes. (more…)



Filed under: Big East Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Uncategorized, all-name team  by Orson Swindle

R.I.P, BO DIDDLEY

Bo Diddley was one of the worst shows we ever saw: a discombulated mess of a show where Diddley attempted a horrid anti-drug rap, messed with the sound system grumpily for 45 minutes, and then left a sour crowd wondering what they’d paid for in the first place.

Fortunately, this disastrous show was the exception to the rule. Diddley lived in Archer, Florida, just outside of Gainesville, and could be counted as a local. He died yesterday at the age of 79. At the height of his powers, he was capable of blasting the dirt off a hippie with his guitar-playing.

If the following clip is accurate, that crowd was sparkling clean when he was done with this song.

R.I.P, Bo.



Filed under: Uncategorized  by Orson Swindle

CURIOUS INDEX, 6/3/08

App State ticket sales are up 62 percent from last season, and boy howdy, they should be. There’s not that much to do in Boone besides get baked, ski, and drink beer. Um, revise: in shocking news, App State football tickets are up 62 percent from last year, an astonishing development given the plethora of awesome things to do in the Boone, NC area.

The biggest obstacle to the creation of an SEC network? It’s just too damn valuable as it is. In other news: having a big penis has its drawbacks, being rich will only make you mostly happy, being good-looking means people may never take your ideas seriously, and your naturally toned and large pectoral muscles mean shirts never quite have that casual fit you like.

Dan McCarney, you sexy phoenix you. Former Iowa State head coach Dan McCarney is now the defensive line coach/assistant head coach at Florida, a rebirth of his coaching career beginning with the superlative work he did with USF’s defensive line last season. If you’re a Florida fan this is superb news, since last year the defensive line spent most passing downs playing patty-cake with laughing, bemused offensive linemen.

He does, however, drop an awkward phrase here.

The impact of Gator Nation is really high.

Literally, dude.


Pineapple Express! Florida football! No similarities!

Speaking of: Wisconsin beats Florida in the finals of the national Ultimate Frisbee competition. The Big Ten’s crucial possession receiver advantage surely came into play here.

Ivan Maisel continues to earn batted eyelashes from us for his superb reportage during the Coaches Tour of the Middle East. The coaches took part in a round table, and Mark Richt wins the title of Mr. Humility for his blunt summary of his post-athletic career.

Richt: As far as getting into coaching: I tried to play pro ball, got cut by the Denver Broncos within a week’s time. And then I tried to be a life insurance agent, and my boss got thrown in jail. So I quit that. I tried to sell memberships in a club, and the boss fired me for not being productive enough.

I started valeting cars. Got in real good shape, thought I could play ball again. Tried out for the Dolphins. Got cut real fast again.

And then I needed a job. I look in the newspaper and found a job as a bartender. Got fired about the second week of being a bartender. The guy who fired me, he told me to stick around at 2 a.m., he had a job for me. I started cleaning the bar after everybody left., from 2 a.m. to 10 a.m. After I got really desperate doing that, after a week or two, I thought, there’s gotta be something I can do with my skill set.

I said, I know. I’ll be a coach.

Remember: past failure is funny, especially when regarded from atop a pile of presently held money.



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football  by Orson Swindle

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