FULMER CUPDATE: KING JAMES EDITION
by Orson on Jun 2, 2008 12:19 PM EDT
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PrintThe Big Board sits updated below. It's so full of heft we had to do it King James-style. The explanations of great length and explanation follow. Thanks as always to Brian, who is hung like Reggie F'n Nelson.
This week, we shall cleareth out the Fulmer Cup Processing Station as well as update on the week's array of drunken punches, breaking and entering, and other rankly felonious and mildly misdemeanorish charges from across the college football multiverse. Beginning with that which is most recent:
SO SAYETH the prophet, that if thou should force thy way into a dormitory, and that thou should doest so in an unlawful and force'd fashion, that thoust should be charged to the fullest with the barrister's charge of aggravated burglary and burglary. Furthermore, if thou'st should interrupt the gossamer sleep of a fair maiden most nobly contstruct'd by the placing of a pillow across the face, and thus stopst the vital aether of life from inspiring and expiring from the pneumaticism of her lungs, well...thou shalt receiveth an assault charge, yea verily.
Nine points hath been assessed to the Miami of Ohio. May God bless thy souls.
Nevada provideth a bumper crop of DUIs, testament further that though the Lord may scatter the broad avenues of life with obstacles, he maketh enough taverns to make stumbling over those obstacles truly expensive--especially when thoust collides with the obstacle of a highway patrol roadblock.
The Wolf doth travel switfly--nay, too swiftly, and with too erratic a gait thrice in a night. For such plenty in the department of errant control, Nevada shall be assessed two points for each DUI charge, along with one bonus point for earning all three in one fell swoop. Thus the tally shall stand at seven points for Nevada, who shall fain call cabs for thou'st tipsiest of footballers from this point unto eternity.
This counteth not, as thy recruits earn not the points accrued to thee, fair reader.
Clicketh the jump for further accounting, as thou'st may be tedified by the extensiveness of mine listing and mathematicks.
Stole from the Fulmer Cup Processing Station:
Penn State's fight charges hath bled over from last year, but thou cannot will us to include them this year despite the court proceedings finally wrapping up most recently. Discharged and discounted! Lo, it has been judged--go in peace, Nittany Lions of Judah.
YOUUUUU!!!! Crank that Fulmer Cup!!! YOUUUUUU!!!!
Penn State hath six points assessed for young knave Andrew Quarless, who hath racked up two DUI charges, a traffic violation, and underage drinking. Wine hath been said to be fine, but liquor is quicker both for effect and for racking up FC points. It has been judged--walk in a straight, unwaveringly line away, young man.
This incident with the Aggies hath fallen out of season, and thus does counteth not.
Dittoeth for the case of Wake Forest's would-be terrorist bomber. Points may not springeth from a well of scorn when no wellspring of charges hath been filed.
Miss State shall be awarded two more points for DUI, since the accounting pick'd up this charge, but did not add in an additional charge that hath been cast into neglect by sleepy accountants. (The link on the SAS page hath expired: resend at thy nearest convenience for documentation.)
Eight points for thee, Scarlet Knights. A robbery spree with thy fake gun garners thee a goodly sum of eight points, vermillion scamps of the Garden State. How couldst the panel miss such fearsome accomplishments? Shame and neglect are thy only answers.
Kent State hath nodded respectfully in thy direction, Rutgers, and hath thrown the gauntlet down by tossing a farthing on the pile on the wagering table: nine points for a trio of assault charges at a party most festive.
Even thy smallest transactions are noted: Arkansas State scrapeth one point out of a disorderly conduct charge.
LSU earns these points three for Shomari Clemons' misdemeanor spree. It hath been proclaimed: be in peace.
Re: Ryan Duren's charges: They hath been rightfully summed here.
We lacketh any documentation for an Eastern Carolina DWI charge. Please sendeth this way post-haste if thou hast it.
Kansas State hath garnered at least five points for dastardly thieving and possession of bethieved goods.
Finally, the thou-ing and thee-ing hath ended with the piddling-upon of two points well-pinned to the chests of Duke footballers who hath been charged with imbibing the mead in public.
Mass hath ended. Goeth in peace, and let the accounts be settled...for now.
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Now Rebfan can feel better about himself now that MSU is back in the top 10.
by hailstate on Jun 2, 2008 12:27 PM EDT reply actions
http://www.witntv.com/ecu/headlines/17805314.html – East Carolina
http://djbulldogs.wordpress.com/2008/03/04/now-its-pegues-thats-in-trouble – Second Miss State DUI
by Theskipster on Jun 2, 2008 12:32 PM EDT reply actions
Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy..
by GatorAM on Jun 2, 2008 12:33 PM EDT reply actions
Dammit Quarless. Hopefully this will be the last of the Fulmer Cup points for PSU.
by psuphiman80 on Jun 2, 2008 12:33 PM EDT reply actions
That is a beast of an FC update. Certainly appropriate to make it the King James edition.
The mind wonders: what is the most points ever assigned during a single Cupdate?
by pz on Jun 2, 2008 12:40 PM EDT reply actions
this was just like reading an issue of THE MIGHTY THOR.
by kleph on Jun 2, 2008 12:42 PM EDT reply actions
This is the record. We’re not going to look it up, but this has to be it.
by Orson Swindle on Jun 2, 2008 12:42 PM EDT reply actions
Why does Illinois have an asterisk, but Miami of Ohio doesn’t?
by anon on Jun 2, 2008 12:43 PM EDT reply actions
- - The bar for the Ellis T. Jones award is set currently at 11 points, set by Erique Robertson of the Illini.
However, I feel like the Ellis T. Jones should have a final vote placed on it. Because what that lineman did from Miami (really – the one from Ohio – are you sure? Fuck.) seems much worse than what Erique did, which is fire off some firearms.
Also, doesn’t the Miami guy get bonus points since the crime was against a girl?
by Ground0EastLansing on Jun 2, 2008 12:55 PM EDT reply actions
I appreciate a Florida site using “Miami” for the real Miami, the one in Oxford, and not that crappy Miami(OH). After all, Miami was a university while Florida still belonged to Spain, so the original should get the name.
That’s why you’ll always see me refer to the Miami in Coral Gables as Miami(FL.)……
That’s all I really had, a quick word of thanks.
by MikeLew on Jun 2, 2008 12:58 PM EDT reply actions
Orson: “May the Points of Phil be with you”
Congregation: “And also with you”
Orson: “Come forth and partake in the Cup of Fulmer”
by CincySooner on Jun 2, 2008 1:01 PM EDT reply actions
Re: #12
The Hurricanes lost their rights to be called “Miami” the minute it was announced that the starting QB position was down to Kyle Wright and Kirby Freeman.
The “(FL)” tag will now be required until they prove they can play without it…. Kind of like training wheels
by CincySooner on Jun 2, 2008 1:09 PM EDT reply actions
Mel Brooks time, y’all.
God has given us these 15…oops…TEN Commandmants.
We will now read from the Books of Matthew, Mark, Luke and Duck.
by yoyofutbawl on Jun 2, 2008 1:31 PM EDT reply actions
@ #9
There is probably a point pending after [Redacted]’s attempt to publicly sing Take Me Out To The Ballgame yesterday.
by Flatlander on Jun 2, 2008 1:36 PM EDT reply actions
#10, if we’re casting votes for Ellis T. Jones award, how is what your guy did worse than Freddy Fairchild? Beating and keeping his girlfriend hostage? Including “injuries to the pelvis”? How can you compare a simple pillow over the face while asleep to KEEPING YOUR BEATEN AND BLOODIED GIRLFRIEND HOSTAGE…
by Adam on Jun 2, 2008 1:39 PM EDT reply actions
Since the Nev. TE was pulled in Reno, I wonder if we’ll see him on an upcoming episode of Reno 911.
by needanewname on Jun 2, 2008 1:40 PM EDT reply actions
I have a simple method for keeping track — the U of Miami is where my aunt majored in waterskiing. Miami U, on the other hand, is the first Ohio state university.
See? Not at all difficult.
by PJ from NU in SF on Jun 2, 2008 1:42 PM EDT reply actions
You should have gone with the caption:
“I’m King James, bitch!”
by Brian O'Blivion on Jun 2, 2008 1:55 PM EDT reply actions
So next week’s Cupdate will be the Coach O edition?
Dacoachospeeksmobettah than thou King James speaketh.
by Aerobab on Jun 2, 2008 2:19 PM EDT reply actions
- 19 – I’m not necessarily saying that’s worse, I’m just bringing up an example to make a point – that the Ellis T. Jones award should not be judged on points, but rather on sheer brutality of the crime.
by Ground0EastLansing on Jun 2, 2008 2:30 PM EDT reply actions
MikeLew, Spain is reclaiming Miami (FL) via Cuba.
by Sundawg on Jun 2, 2008 2:37 PM EDT reply actions
I missed out on the Cheesecake R.I.P. discussion last Friday. Sad to see it go. Does this mean that the well-blessed Zwinky ads will be replaced with well-hung Twinky ads on this site? That would suck.
by Out of Conference on Jun 2, 2008 2:46 PM EDT reply actions
Weren’t those points for Quarless already assigned to Penn State? That incident was in March according to the article you linked.
by Nick on Jun 2, 2008 3:13 PM EDT reply actions
G0EL: By nature of ETJ’s various (mostly non-brutal) crimes, the “ETJ Award” is an objective award given to the individual who contributes the most points to his team during the season, OR has the most incredible incident that resulted in Fulmer Cup points.
No tweakin’ with this rule, friend.
by Aerobab on Jun 2, 2008 3:17 PM EDT reply actions
Looks like UGA dodged a bullet with J. Jarboe.
/Zing!
by NRBQ on Jun 2, 2008 3:48 PM EDT reply actions
And, not to nit-pick, O, but
“inspiring and expiring from the pneumaticism of her BREAST,”
could not faileth to gild this poetical lily.
by NRBQ on Jun 2, 2008 3:55 PM EDT reply actions
i dont know how iowa is not on that list. their team is stocked with enough cons to rival florida state a few years back. they should probably be #1 on the list.
by cyclonestate on Jun 2, 2008 4:34 PM EDT reply actions
can you say game of the century? August 30th will be matchup of last years Fulmer Cup winners the Illini (huzah) and the presumptive 08 champion Mizzou. Start the ESPN countdown now.
by Illini FTW on Jun 2, 2008 5:15 PM EDT reply actions
Think you already rang up Quarless back in the spring. JoePa will not look kindly upon this double jeopardy, lawya.
by Tailgate Shogun on Jun 2, 2008 5:51 PM EDT reply actions
Verily, I say unto you, that I seek a sackcloth with a red block “M” emblazoned upon it and ashes with which to anoint my forehead, for I am sore ashamed.
by DevilGrad on Jun 2, 2008 6:36 PM EDT reply actions
I personally have a problem with Miami not getting a (OH) next to their name in the Fulmer Cup. Forget about the fact that Miami of Ohio has been irrelevant far longer than we have been; its the FULMER CUP we are talking about here, and I dont think anyone who follows college football would assume that a simple “Miami” in a set of standings for criminal activity refers to the one up north.
I get it, we suck, I dont mind being labled as Miami(Fl). I just dont like how everyone is going to assume we are back to thuggin’ when we are as far removed from that aspect of our history as we are from the winning part.
by NOLAcane on Jun 2, 2008 6:54 PM EDT reply actions
>> and I dont think anyone who follows college football would assume that a simple Miami in a set of standings for criminal activity refers to the one up north.
The Cane has a point here.
#35: Most of Iowa’s stuff happened during the season. This is for offseason shenanigans.
by SpartanDan on Jun 2, 2008 7:07 PM EDT reply actions
Srsly, how do you get two DUIs in one traffic stop?
by PSUJorge on Jun 2, 2008 9:37 PM EDT reply actions
Until Florida Gables gives us a Super Bowl Winning QB and a US President,. like MIami Univeristy has, they have to keep their state behind their name.
by Roger on Jun 2, 2008 9:54 PM EDT reply actions
Three DUIs in one night? Wow, does this mean that Nevada takes the safe driving award away from UGA? I am glad jarboe’s charges were reduced, Felons can’t carry firearms and He will need that pistol at OU.
by shanensga on Jun 2, 2008 10:11 PM EDT reply actions
$26K bail for that guy? If you asked me, I would give the judge Fulmer cup points.
by blazin on Jun 2, 2008 10:13 PM EDT reply actions
Here is a couple of videos of how to get 3 DUI’s on the same stop….how to part 1:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KK095jgjoRU
and part 2:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46RGjXOOotU
by Mr Pelican Pants on Jun 3, 2008 11:34 AM EDT reply actions
#42
That is how the other Miami talks trash? When you produce a US President? You’d be better off braggin about your Nick Lachey.
I dont have a problem with Miami being called Miami(FL) but the other Miami should be addressed as Miami(OH) If for no other reason but to simply tell others where the hell the other Miami is.
by 4theU on Jun 3, 2008 4:44 PM EDT reply actions
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