The Big Board sits updated below. It’s so full of heft we had to do it King James-style. The explanations of great length and explanation follow. Thanks as always to Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson.

This week, we shall cleareth out the Fulmer Cup Processing Station as well as update on the week’s array of drunken punches, breaking and entering, and other rankly felonious and mildly misdemeanorish charges from across the college football multiverse. Beginning with that which is most recent:

SO SAYETH the prophet, that if thou should force thy way into a dormitory, and that thou should doest so in an unlawful and force’d fashion, that thoust should be charged to the fullest with the barrister’s charge of aggravated burglary and burglary. Furthermore, if thou’st should interrupt the gossamer sleep of a fair maiden most nobly contstruct’d by the placing of a pillow across the face, and thus stopst the vital aether of life from inspiring and expiring from the pneumaticism of her lungs, well…thou shalt receiveth an assault charge, yea verily.

Nine points hath been assessed to the Miami of Ohio. May God bless thy souls.

Nevada provideth a bumper crop of DUIs, testament further that though the Lord may scatter the broad avenues of life with obstacles, he maketh enough taverns to make stumbling over those obstacles truly expensive–especially when thoust collides with the obstacle of a highway patrol roadblock.

The Wolf doth travel switfly–nay, too swiftly, and with too erratic a gait thrice in a night. For such plenty in the department of errant control, Nevada shall be assessed two points for each DUI charge, along with one bonus point for earning all three in one fell swoop. Thus the tally shall stand at seven points for Nevada, who shall fain call cabs for thou’st tipsiest of footballers from this point unto eternity.

This counteth not, as thy recruits earn not the points accrued to thee, fair reader.

Clicketh the jump for further accounting, as thou’st may be tedified by the extensiveness of mine listing and mathematicks.

Stole from the Fulmer Cup Processing Station:

Penn State’s fight charges hath bled over from last year, but thou cannot will us to include them this year despite the court proceedings finally wrapping up most recently. Discharged and discounted! Lo, it has been judged–go in peace, Nittany Lions of Judah.


YOUUUUU!!!! Crank that Fulmer Cup!!! YOUUUUUU!!!!

Penn State hath six points assessed for young knave Andrew Quarless, who hath racked up two DUI charges, a traffic violation, and underage drinking. Wine hath been said to be fine, but liquor is quicker both for effect and for racking up FC points. It has been judged–walk in a straight, unwaveringly line away, young man.

This incident with the Aggies hath fallen out of season, and thus does counteth not.

Dittoeth for the case of Wake Forest’s would-be terrorist bomber. Points may not springeth from a well of scorn when no wellspring of charges hath been filed.

Miss State shall be awarded two more points for DUI, since the accounting pick’d up this charge, but did not add in an additional charge that hath been cast into neglect by sleepy accountants. (The link on the SAS page hath expired: resend at thy nearest convenience for documentation.)

Eight points for thee, Scarlet Knights. A robbery spree with thy fake gun garners thee a goodly sum of eight points, vermillion scamps of the Garden State. How couldst the panel miss such fearsome accomplishments? Shame and neglect are thy only answers.

Kent State hath nodded respectfully in thy direction, Rutgers, and hath thrown the gauntlet down by tossing a farthing on the pile on the wagering table: nine points for a trio of assault charges at a party most festive.

Even thy smallest transactions are noted: Arkansas State scrapeth one point out of a disorderly conduct charge.

LSU earns these points three for Shomari Clemons’ misdemeanor spree. It hath been proclaimed: be in peace.

Re: Ryan Duren’s charges: They hath been rightfully summed here.

We lacketh any documentation for an Eastern Carolina DWI charge. Please sendeth this way post-haste if thou hast it.

Kansas State hath garnered at least five points for dastardly thieving and possession of bethieved goods.

Finally, the thou-ing and thee-ing hath ended with the piddling-upon of two points well-pinned to the chests of Duke footballers who hath been charged with imbibing the mead in public.

Mass hath ended. Goeth in peace, and let the accounts be settled…for now.