I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: “Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
`My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!’
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away.
The secret, oppressed dreams of Goldy the Gopher find voice at SMQ. If you don’t weep after reading this, then you’ve never had a dream, you heartless bastard, you.
Les Miles strides to the podium without fanfare and begins speaking to a room full of reporters.
Les Miles: I’d like to thank everyone for coming today. It’s a great day to be an LSU Tiger. Please, as is usual, leave your taffy in the jars provided for that purpose up front.
Taffy in the bucket, please. You may now speak.
Reporter One: Coach Miles, how would you say offseason participation has been thus far?
Miles: Kleinpeter, I didn’t see you put in taffy.
Reporter One: Um, coach, I don’t have any today, I had to take my kid to school…
This time Godzilla Trev discusses teams of potential mass improvement, all while standing astride the Jimmy Carter/Moreland interchange and getting tangled in powerlines.
Trev takes his most improved from the ACC, a daring move because saying a team with a dedicated coach, an improved recruiting base, and an ACC schedule can go 7-5 is like saying a WAC team can go 10-2 with a huge offense and favorable schedule. In other words, it is something that can happen every year. Fine call on UNC, though: they’ll be vastly improved if for no other reason than a dimunition of powers at Boston College (breaking in new qb) and another rebuilding year for NC State (whose offense last year was 98th in the nation and won’t likely improve this year.)
In the parity-tastic ACC, it’s usually about stealing someone else’s food, something UNC could easily start to do this year. Georgia Tech, though? Ai-yuh, Trev. That’s some ugly right thurr, son, especailly with depleted lines and seven of their top tacklers gone. Endorse them at your own risk, Trevzilla, you car-crushing tower of wonder, you.
Well, it does save us from watching the Motor City Bowl. Hugh Hewitt, Ohio State fan and Mitt Romney supporter…
(Review: you fucked up, America! Remember that he was ready to KILL ‘EM ALL!!!
Hugh Hewitt wanted to rock, mellow trip-hoppy XM Chill pussies! He blames you!)
…demonstrates an inability to use a calendar by citing the Ohio State/USC game as the last chance we’ll ever have to watch football before GAY TERRORIST LIBERAL ENVIROBEATNIKS COME AND KILL US ALL!!!
“I’m still trying to find two tickets to the Ohio State-USC game. And none of the USC people will give up their tickets to me. I’d pay fair price. They — they know Ohio State’s gonna slaughter the Trojans. They know that they’re gonna slaughter the Trojans, and therefore they do not want me there at the bloodbath, since it’s probably the last football game we’ll ever get to see before the United States gets blown up by the Islamists under Obama.
That’s why we’re supporting Obama, people: because we own a Mac, drink overpriced coffee, and hate football so much we’re willing to elect a robot Muslim sodomite to end the hell of watching football for fifteen hours every Saturday. For the record, Hewitt may watch the last game ever on November 2nd when UCF faces East Carolina on a Sunday. We’ll be liveblogging it with a helmet on and trembling, but not from fear, but excitement: Holtz versus O’Leary! Grrrrr!!!
R.I.P. UGA VI. UGA VI died as most Georgians will: pantsless, lacking a high school degree, and suffering from a heart attack. His burial will take place inside Sanford Stadium today at 3:30, and is described as “a private affair,” which we’re sure it is, as we usually cry way harder when a pet dies than when a human does. (A dog, for instance, is unlikely to die owing you money, unless it’s an Airedale. Notorious loan-jumpers as a breed, generally speaking.)
This bears mention, though:
According to UGA, it is the only school that buries its mascots within the confines of the stadium.
Incorrect: unbeknownst to them beforehand, Tennessee entombs the plushie Smokey in the walls of Neyland Stadium after the last game of each season. (Fresh blood keeps the corn syrup gods happy. Shhhhh…..)
Condolences to the Seiler Family, and to UGA fans mourning his loss. A damn good dawg, we’re sure.
Hallo, stalkerazzi. The “Mr. Erin Andrews Shirt” is out for those of you lacking the gumption to just sack up and outright stalk someone.
Hayden Fry, the Paul Erdos of coaches. More Stoops coaching tree/Hayden Fry homage here, and why not: tracking the Hayden Fry coaching tree reminds you that part of your biggest impact in life is not what you accomplish, but what you help others do and become. Why are you looking at us like that? We’re serious here. Fry was is like Paul Erdos*, a networker and router for coaching talent who trained or directly impacted a good ten percent of the coaches working today in college football.
He deserves some kind of posthumous award for mentorship, and if not for that, then at least for his famous line about giving someone a starting job “because he liked the way he looked coming out of the shower.” A one-man academy is a rare, once-in-a-generation talent, and it is something Fry disciple Bob Stoops gets too little credit for doing.
A veritable Ph.D in How My Ass Taste: If you’re going to tell someone to dine on your scrotum, do it with style. Noel Gallagher said Jay-Z was a terrible opening act for Glastonbury; Jay-Z then opened with this piss-take of all piss takes:
We’re standing and applauding right now. You can’t see it, but it’s magnificent and awed applause.
*Apologies. We Abe Vigoda’d him, meaning thought he was dead, but was still surprised to find he wasn’t.
Monday’s report that former South Carolina head coach and current television analyst Lou Holtz is being questioned by police following the death of a woman in his employ contained an inaccuracy. Brandii Shawn Baytes, 29, who had served as Holtz’s assistant in his offseason career as a traveling magician since March, died from massive external hemorrhaging, not internal. We regret the error.
For my nextht trick…
On Thursday, our interview with former SEC commissioner Roy Kramer contained an inaccurate quote that requires immediate correction. The printed exchange should have read as follows:
RK: The best part about being SEC Commissioner? The blood. Oh, the rivers of sweet, sticky blood.
The excerpts in bold should be replaced with the word “relationships I developed over thirty years of hard work.” We regret the error. Deeply.
Wednesday’s Curious Index reported that Tennessee defender Eric Berry (more…)
Football is thug-roman-a-cleffish: Pat White really, really likes him some Hov. His Heisman promo site features a ten-song playlist from his iPod, and seventy percent of it is Jay-Z. No selections from the Grey Album, a travesty we’ll have to correct by sending him an email in his inbox, another feature of the site where you are free to ask him drooling questions about what it’s like to be touched by Erin Andrews.
Football is technical and awesome. PROST! Brian’s 2007 piece on zone stretch plays is just plain dead sexy geeky Nobellish. Reprint more exclusive content available only in primitive paper form for our pleasure immediately.
The one place the Cards can afford a defection on defense is on the line, which is where they’re the deepest. But they’re still awfully thin across the board.
And now you will set yourself on fire, Louisville fans! [/simmons'd!]
Football is YES YES YES YES YES YES. The Big Ten will have its own reality show following one program throughout the season, and its star will be…[NAME REDACTED]. He likes it. Scares him. Scary kind of like. Like putting a car into a trash compactor filled with propane tanks and lit roman candles. Exciting scary.
“This will be like having someone in your bedroom,” Zook said.
Grrrrrooowwwwwl.
Georgia Tech under Paul Johnsonwill have to follow the hearty, bland consistency of the Chan Gailey era, and that’s a difficult task given the ceiling for Tech in modern history has been the 8-5ish years of the O’Leary era. One thing Johnson may improve on immediately is recruiting, a weeping sadness during the Time of the Chancients when Tech only had Wake and Duke below them in recruiting rankings. SMQ, as usual, says everything you need to know on the topic period at all full stop in total.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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