Trev strikes back! Trev thinks Notre Dame recovers this year, which along with Phil Steele picking them as one of his most improved teams means you’ll get the floating head of Tom Hammond haunting your dreams with “WAKE UP THE ECHOES” for only the rest of the offseason. If the Floating Head of Tom Hammond haunting your subconscious isn’t enough, perhaps the thought of us having Phil Steele’s 2008 Guide To College Football before you do will make you writhe in sufficient agony.

(Florida? Number one in the SEC East? You’re killing us with high expectations, Phil. More on the goodness tomorrow.)

We present our quick roundup of new starters around then nation who are of great import. Next up: Defensive Tackle Omar Hunter, Florida.

School: University Florida. Non-smoking section. (Hopefully.)

Height: 6′ 2″

Weight: 297. Add in the lineman coefficient of (Sigma/underestimation*e to the power of summer snacking) and his real weight is somewhere between 305 and 973 pounds, to be precise. (Margin of error: 320 pounds.)

Body consistency: Defensive lineman, therefore finely marbled like a nice prime rib.

Position: Defensive tackle/block-devourer, hopefully

Pros: large and fast, a 4.9 defensive tackle who can bench 425 and squat 475 coming out of high school. Is described as “a trench worker,” meaning unlike some highly ranked physical specimens coming out of high school, Hunter actually enjoys the leg-snapping scrum line play and seems to have a temperament for mudbog blocking wars. Grippy, as in the kind of defensive lineman who if not making the tackle will at least get his hands on a guy and slow him down for the linebackers. Described as an ideal nose tackle, meaning his primary responsibility will be to take on one or more blockers and make better math for the defenders around him. Good enough grades and test scores to get Notre Dame on his ample tail; he decommitted from them to go to Florida, thus earning a sure comment in the thread below about his lack of character, slow feet, or general unsuitability for D-1 football from a Notre Dame alum. (We wager five comments in or thereabouts.)

DT/LG Omar Hunter – Notre Dame Commitment

Also: is a large, potentially able defensive tackle. Florida does not have these right now. This is called “upside.”

Cons: Is a freshman who will likely start from game one in the SEC due to mass disorder at the DT position. (more…)

No no. No. You don’t understand You can’t make a deal with him. Even if you gave him the money he’d still kill you. He’s a peculiar man. You could even say that he has principles. Principles that transcend money or drugs or anything like that. He’s not like you. He’s not even like me.

Baseball blows hooker goats, but this fan’s mustache is no one’s ho. Pimp, stand forward.

Happy Mustache Wednesday, you beautiful man, you.

HT: The Fightins’

We are ready for this Big East.

Dear sirs,

We write today on behalf of a major university with a reputation which was created over the years of hard work and academic excellence by those who sought to create it. We saw your advertisement in this article on your Big East conference, and it was no one but our own institution of fine reputation we thought of at once.

The advertisement read:

So you want to be a member of the Big East?

Join the club.

In no manner of impertinence or inconvenience should we wish to trouble you in the least, but our university would very much like to be invited to your club. Our invitation is accepted, and we should like to join this illustrious Big East we have heard so much of in our time, having spent much time readying ourself for this in the Middle Eastern conference which, due to circumstances beyond our control, we feel we must sadly bid farewell to at long last.

So much is to be offered by our university! The high institute of Laser & Plasma, the Al-Kindi Medicine College, and the Ibn Al Rashid Center for Education are a few you have undoubtedly heard discussed by you peers in the various fields. (more…)

Peter’s ill, so no EDSBS Live for tonight. A thousand apologies, but he’s our engineer, and without him doing the show would be like going for it on 4th and 8 against a blitzing Ram Vela.

Iowa. Sexual assault. You’ve got to be kidding. Really, you must. And Black Heart, Gold Pants just got their new outfit! You ruined it you bastards! Ruined it all!

IOWA CITY – The University of Iowa Police Department, in concert with the Iowa Division of Criminal Investigation, has obtained warrants for the arrest of Cedric D Everson III for Sexual Abuse in the Second Degree and Abeberell “Abe” Bradford Satterfield for Sexual Abuse in the Third Degree and Sexual Abuse in the Second Degree. The arrest warrants are for incidents that occurred on Oct. 14, 2007 on the UI campus in Iowa City, Iowa.

Ummm….

Everson and Satterfield both got the boot from the team, but according to the timeline of the investigation were both on the team when the incident occurred–meaning the six points (assuming they are charged with the crimes listed above respectively) would count if this occurred in the offseason.

This was, however, an in-season crime, and therefore not eligible for Fulmer Cup points. What is on, as far as awarding (or deducting) points: the handling of the entire situation. We understand that in any rape investigation there’s weighty issues of confidentiality and due process, but when the governor’s chiming in to critique your handling of the whole affair, it means:

a.) Your governor is a douchebag looking to distract the public from his own poor performance, or

b.) Your university was blocking any and all attempts on public scrutiny of the situation, resulting in newspapers suing for access to public records and the like.

We’ll go with b, though we’re sure Governor Chet Culver is, like eighty percent of people who want to be governor, a total smoking douchebag.

This ain’t good for Kirk Ferentz, who may have suffered the single greatest four-year coaching currency devaluation since Hal Mumme at Kentucky. In 2002 he was the Euro; he could be bought for a stack of qat and Somali shillings at this point.

The offseason top 25 has nothing to do with football. You might read it anyway.

25. Italian starlet Edwidge Fenech. She’s particularly stunning when set to dreamy Italian quaalude music. Fact: if you should fall in doomed love with an elusive but alluring younger woman, music like this starts playing spontaneously, but only if you happen to be in Europe.

Correction: only if you are in Western Europe. In eastern Europe the song “Cherokee” by (natch) Europe will begin playing.

24. Rope swings.

If you’re not in traction, you’re just not trying. (Nepal laughs at your puny American rope swings! And safety regulations!) (more…)

Dost thou not suspect my place? dost thou not suspect my years? O that he were here to write me down an ass! But, masters, remember that I am an ass; though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass. No, thou villain, thou art full of piety, as shall be proved upon thee by good witness. I am a wise fellow, and, which is more, an officer,and, which is more, a householder, and, which is more, as pretty a piece of flesh as any is in Messina, and one that knows the law, go to; and a rich fellow enough, go to; and a fellow that hath had losses, and one that hath two gowns and every thing handsome about him. Bring him away. O that
I had been writ down an ass!