MERRY STEELETIDE!
by Orson on May 29, 2008 3:03 PM EDT
Email
PrintHUZZAH! ONE HUNDRED COCKTAILS TO ODIN! IT'S STEELETIDE!
Steeletide, little doomed one-legged Tim, is the second happiest day of the year: the day when you, the college football consumer gets in their hot little hands the most extensive and punishingly data-riffic college football guide on the planet: Phil Steele's College Football Preview.
Dictated--no, really, it is dictated--by Phil, it is the compendium of every division one football team broken down into units, rosters, tendencies, exhaustive stats on win streaks, record on grass versus turf, and everything everyone else will mostly be regurgitating up over the next nine to ten months anyways. It's also great for your marriage.
Wife: Honey, what do you think? Should we plant bell peppers or tomatoes?
You: Mark Richt is 25-4 in opposing stadiums.
Wife: I don't think you heard me, did you?
You: Utah has the second longest bowl winning streak. It stands at 7 games now.
Wife: YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY, DO YOU?
You: EVEN IN A FRUSTRATING YEAR USC OUTGAINED CONFERENCE FOES BY 157 YPG?
Wife: STOP SPEAKING IN ACRONYMS!!!
It should pop up on newsstands shortly, but a sneaky peeky inside this year's mag in no particular order:
1. Nothing's changed. Yay. Same infinitesimally small 6 point type. Same arcane system of acronyms. (Hey, there's a glossary. Nut up, lazy readerperson.)
Same eight sets of power rankings determining his conference picks. Same=good in this case, of course, since this now constitutes the highlight of our offseason and is also responsible for the serotonin bump we've been surfing like the Poraroca for the past day or so.
2. Number one? Oh, Christ: Florida. The 2008 preseason top ten, according to Phil, follow:
10. Penn State.
9. Georgia
8. USF
7. Missouri
6. West Virginia
5. Clemson
4. USC
3. Oklahoma
2. Ohio State
1. Florida
Phil's counting on the "and now, a miracle happens" argument with the talented but scorchy young defensive backfield shaping up for the Gators. Being skeptics, we don't wager on the sun rising, and anyone picking our team to finish first therefore gives us methy shakes. He bids large on Oklahoma, too, probably the more sensible pick in the Big 12 given the sudden evaporation of defense in conference, the Sooner's mammoth offensive line, their solid array of offensive talent, and everyone else going gonzo by leaning on other wise merely good Texas Tech for their Big 12 pick.
Seeing Georgia that low--do not grok, not at all. We would point out, though, that Phil sees them to be a likely national title contender. USF seems a bit high, too, especially with their offensive line struggles and over-reliance on Matt Grothe. Any inclusion of Clemson in the top ten willingly omits their astonishing consistency over the past decade in losing at least two games they should walk away with each year.
3. Notre Dame, up. Ditto for North Carolina, Pittsburgh, South Carolina, Miami, Mississippi, Maryland, and Arizona, of all schools.
That's all we'll divulge, though if we were to actually convey one percent of the information in the guide we'd overload our server. Buy here or on newsstands next week, or in a bookstore if your town doesn't have bold little scamps in half-pants and suspenders hawking newspapers and Life magazine on every corner. It's JAMPACKED WITH INFORMATION, and even in all caps this is an understatement. Own it. Know it. Meld your flesh with it and become one with it.
50 comments
|
0 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
one problem with surfing the poraroca – candiru; the dreaded penis fish.
by kleph on May 29, 2008 3:13 PM EDT reply actions
Phil is always the most accurate magazine each year, but he did rank Auburn #51
by WarDamnTigers on May 29, 2008 3:19 PM EDT reply actions
Who’s getting a lump of Big Ten in their stocking this year?
by Allahver Fist on May 29, 2008 3:19 PM EDT reply actions
I thought Phil was counting on the Gators not facing a Brandon Cox led Auburn Team.
Huuuzzzzaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
by NewAZTiger on May 29, 2008 3:20 PM EDT reply actions
I default to Mr. Swindle/Mr. Bean, but my memory and this would seem to squarely paint June 10th as the day the Steele Curtain falls. #10 PSU makes blood drip from my ears, but I more than echo the Georgia at #9 sentiment.
by WorstFan on May 29, 2008 3:21 PM EDT reply actions
I’m so excited!
I’m so excited!
I’m so…so scared…
[collapses into Zach Morris’s preppy arms]
by beauford @ theonlygamethatmatters on May 29, 2008 3:23 PM EDT reply actions
I haven’t figured out how to bathe in it yet, but I will sleep with the guide under my pillow till August and absorb its wonders through osmosis.
by Holly on May 29, 2008 3:24 PM EDT reply actions
This has replaced Festivus as my favorite fictional holiday.
by GamecockTony on May 29, 2008 3:25 PM EDT reply actions
Holly sweetie, just make a paper mache bra out of one copy and wear it all summer… if nothing else, it’ll get guys to spend more time in the chest region before moving on, spending their 4 minutes on top, rolling over and going to sleep.
by PeterPumpkinhead on May 29, 2008 3:34 PM EDT reply actions
#9, #15 – Well, if they were that decent with Morelli last year, just think of what they can do with a QB that has more than blank space between the ears.
by Ground0EastLansing on May 29, 2008 3:36 PM EDT reply actions
It’s almost time for gambling phone line ads with random bikini-clad women. WOOOO!
by John on May 29, 2008 3:45 PM EDT reply actions
G0EL: Obviously losing MoreLOLi is worth a 20 spot jump in national offensive efficiency statistics, but replacing Dan Connor, Sean Lee, and Justin King is hardly an easy task. Not to mention employing Jay Paterno = FAIL and an undead, blood lustful head man who does little but spread the Rage Virus to poor unsuspecting State College motorists.
by WorstFan on May 29, 2008 3:49 PM EDT reply actions
Atleast he doesn’t have Florida State as his number one sleeper team like last year….orrrr does he?
by nolefan on May 29, 2008 3:59 PM EDT reply actions
Seeing Clemson in the top 5 makes me all giddy inside. Perhaps next year at this time Clemson will be paying two head coaches after Clemson fans demand Bowden’s head for falling from top 5 preseason to middle third of the ACC when he squanders yet again an amazing stable of talent.
by Out of Conference on May 29, 2008 4:06 PM EDT reply actions
Wait…“Mississippi” is gonna be “up” from 0-8? Phil Steele, saintly gridiron genius.
by Erik on May 29, 2008 4:11 PM EDT reply actions
@12 Holly
You’d absorb the knowledgy goodness through diffusion, I believe. Osmosis would be passing through a liquid.
/nerd.
GIMMAH THAT GODDAMN TOME OF KNOWLEDGE!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO SEE HOW SUCKTACULAR MINNESOTA WILL BE!!!!!
by White Speed Recieiver on May 29, 2008 4:14 PM EDT reply actions
- - I see your point, but seeing as how PSU is Linebacker U., I always thought they reloaded some of their front seven with clones of Lavar Arrington from the science labs. The successful ones start, the failures are lobotomized, with the products of said lobotomies liquified and served to JoePa in his Metamucil.
That won’t replace King, of course, but they’ll be better.
by Ground0EastLansing on May 29, 2008 4:21 PM EDT reply actions
Notre Dame #19. He must be drinking the Jimmy Clausen kool-aid. Flavor: Poppin’ Cherry.
Also, Charlie Weis was actually paid to go to Iraq and visit the troops…He thought it would be morally wrong to accept the payment in standard monetary terms, so he took advantage of the system and was paid in fresh pies from Tippin’s. Thank you LSUFreek for that .gif, it completed my life.
This comment makes no sense even to me, but neither does your website. Don’t worry, I’ll still check it 2,000 times a day at work.
by Jesus on May 29, 2008 4:25 PM EDT reply actions
Hot damn! The last time we were ranked that high, I had a job!
by Homeless Clemson Guy on May 29, 2008 4:26 PM EDT reply actions
I just wonder…will “The Board” be as good as it was last year?
by robert on May 29, 2008 4:36 PM EDT reply actions
Just when I was afraid I would go through Lost withdrawl after tonight’s finale, this comes along.
Bless you, dear sir, bless you.
by the croominator on May 29, 2008 4:40 PM EDT reply actions
PSU? He knows JayPa is still employed there, right?
by Snowflake the Dog on May 29, 2008 4:41 PM EDT reply actions
Ohio State at #2? Looks like another title game ass kicking…….
by Last Dragon on May 29, 2008 4:42 PM EDT reply actions
Youd absorb the knowledgy goodness through diffusion, I believe. Osmosis would be passing through a liquid.
WHAT IF IT’S A WATERBED, SMART GUY?!?!?!1111
by Holly on May 29, 2008 4:46 PM EDT reply actions
@2 Kleph
Interesting topic-Parasitology. Candiru is in the same Family as the Plecostomus (commonly sold aquarium fish known for its algae-eating capability). Since they are technically fish, their ability to survive in the human body is nil. Noticed a reference in wikipedia to Candiru sushi. Where is the Zimmer?
Took a Parasitology many moons ago. The Professor had a flatworm displayed on his desk. Let me clarify. HIS excreted 4 foot flatworm was displayed. Barf bags were nearby.
/looking under rocks kind of nerd
by hunglikehussain on May 29, 2008 5:02 PM EDT reply actions
Holly you would have to be inside the waterbed, which hey maybe you do, but it would probably take 12 hours each day to de-prune.
by crane on May 29, 2008 5:03 PM EDT reply actions
- -
Aha, but it looks like PSU will be running a dual-QB system in ‘08. That’s one too many QBs for JayPa to screw up leaving him befuddled, baffled, bewildered and reduced to sucking his thumb in the corner. Advantage; Penn State. Believe the #10 ranking and fear our defensive front twelve.
by mhentz on May 29, 2008 5:34 PM EDT reply actions
Steele picked Boston College to finish 6th in the Atlantic Division last year.
On the other hand, he thinks we are going to win the ACC, so who am I to question his genius.
Steele seems to be the football analyst version of the techie in commodities trading, ignoring the effect of the civil war in Country X on future cocoa prices, in BC’s case last year, Matt Ryan, or in Clemson’s case this year, Tommy Bowden.
by Coop on May 29, 2008 5:47 PM EDT reply actions
Goddamn, people. Just because the Buckeyes are ranked highly doesn’t mean we’ll a) make the title game, and b) get our butts kicked playing in it.
I didn’t have us winning either of the last title games but I’m not so sure this year. This team might actually be title-worthy. Remember, we have to go through USC in Los Angeles to get to Miami. That’s about as quality of a non-conference win as you can get these days.
by poguemahone on May 29, 2008 5:59 PM EDT reply actions
Ooh! Ooh!
I now will be annoying the Barnes & Noble staff to no end every day until it comes in, as I do every year at about this time.
Me: Do you have Phil Steele’s 200x College Football Preview yet?
Bored-Looking Bookstore Employee: Steel what?
Me: Phil Steele’s 200x College Football Preview.
BLBE: Hmmm . . . never heard of it. I don’t think we carry it.
Me: I’m sure you do. I’ve bought it here before. Several times.
BLBE (skeptically): It’s a book?
Me: More like a magazine. It’s usually in with the other college football previews like Athlon and Lindy’s, but I didn’t see it there.
BLBE (unenthusiastically after “college football” finally registers): Okay, let’s go check in the magazines.
Me: I already looked over there, but all right . . . .
BLBE: I don’t see it here.
Me: Right. Neither did I—that’s why I came to ask you. Can you look it up?
BLBE (sighing): Okay.
BLBE (goes back to register/computer): Huh—it says we do carry it after all . . . .
Me: (eye roll)
BLBE: It also says we have it in stock—go figure. Just a second.
(goes back to magazine area with me following, goes to back room and comes out with a stack of glorious, new, shiny Phil Steele bibles)
BLBE: I guess we just didn’t have them stocked on the shelves. Here you go.
(curtain)
Replace everything after the eye roll with “I guess it hasn’t come in yet—you can try back later” and you have a decent approximation of a go-round with a new clerk just about every day until I get it. Then all is forgiven.
A few years I’ve found myself shelling out for multiple copies, such as last year when I was in the airport on my way to Manhattan in June and realized I accidentally left my first copy at home, which I had just purchased a couple of days before.
Ahhh, Orson, you are one privileged guy.
by Big Ten Joe on May 29, 2008 6:16 PM EDT reply actions
Orson – bad tidings, Hedley Lamar has been gathered to the Heavenly Choir. We will miss you Harvey Korman. Go do that voodoo that you do SO WELL!!!!!!
Boy did we get a harumph out of that guy.
by joemartin on May 29, 2008 8:31 PM EDT reply actions
While I’m sad that Hedy Lamarr has shuffled off his mortal coil, I’m even sadder that Missouri is ranked behind those reliable underachievers at Clemson.
by El Hombre on May 29, 2008 11:11 PM EDT reply actions
What precisely is Penn State doing in that top 10? Do they have a competent QB I don’t know about?
by Noah on May 30, 2008 10:09 AM EDT reply actions
Penn State returns a somewhat athletic QB in Darryl Clark who played the majority of the Alamo Bowl against Texas A&M. But yes Penn State at #10 is way to high. They have already lost there best defender for the season in LB Sean Lee.
by r3dh4wx on May 30, 2008 10:51 AM EDT reply actions
Clemson and USF are in the top 10 and you’re complaining about Penn State?!?!?!
by PSUJorge on May 30, 2008 6:23 PM EDT reply actions
Fuckin shit Phil Steele….none of these teams were coached by the bear. Are you crazy?
by SpookyJuice on May 30, 2008 11:24 PM EDT reply actions
Looks like Steele realized the power of addition by subtraction at the QB position for Penn State. And no, Clark did not play “the majority of the game” against A & M. He’s about as proven as MRob was in 2005…which I don’t mind at all.
by satan666 on May 31, 2008 1:11 AM EDT reply actions
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Certain photos copyright © 2012 by Associated Press or Getty Images. Any commercial use or distribution without the express written consent of Associated Press and Getty Images is strictly prohibited.
