THE OFFSEASON TOP 25, PART THE SECOND
by Holly Anderson on May 27, 2008 1:42 PM EDT
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PrintThe offseason top 25 has nothing to do with football. You might read it anyway.
25. Italian starlet Edwidge Fenech. She's particularly stunning when set to dreamy Italian quaalude music. Fact: if you should fall in doomed love with an elusive but alluring younger woman, music like this starts playing spontaneously, but only if you happen to be in Europe.
Correction: only if you are in Western Europe. In eastern Europe the song "Cherokee" by (natch) Europe will begin playing.
24. Rope swings.
If you're not in traction, you're just not trying. (Nepal laughs at your puny American rope swings! And safety regulations!)
23. Swindle:Gotham font. I adore it right now for no particular reason. It's not just for Obama signs and public building in New York anymore!
22. Swindle: Songs that sound like they were written for unmade sci-fi films.
"Stars," Ulrich Schnauss; "First Wave Intact," Secret Machines.
21. Holly: GiantMicrobes.com. Nothing says, "I'm ready to take our relationship to the next level," like a plush scale model of Black Death.
20. Swindle: Crawling floor slides
12:02:35 PM Swindle: Agonizing, but everyone in the gym turns around to wonder what you're doing, which for we attention whores is wonderful.
19.Holly: Magic Bullet (kitchen appliance, not vibrator)! The Personal Versatile Countertop Magician!
18. Swindle: Wired.comSwindle: It's like Popular Mechanics for metrosexuals.
17. Holly: Home grill accidents.
(See "Rope Swings"---if you're not in the burn unit, why did you even buy a grill, candy-ass?
16. Swindle: The renewed mean Office--articularly Ryan's coke problem and subsequent arrest. Coke humor never goes out of style.
15. Holly:Danger Mouse.
The bombingest, rodent-infestedest, humor-slightly-over-your-headingest afternoon cartoon of your childhood. Entire series now available on DVD!
14. Swindle: Naps. What? It's summer-ish. Plus, keep it to fifteen minutes and you're safe; any longer, and you wake up eight hours later feeling like you've been rohypnol'd.
13.Holly: Apple Color. A nerdgasm in a box, rocking your face off with 16 layers of color grading since NAB 2007.
It's still early, but I think it's safe to say it's true love.
12. Swindle: Hot Rod. Features Bill Hader and the brilliant Danny McBride as the most lovable and believable rednecks you've ever seen, even with the standard Michaels SNL Star Vehicle Script bringing the quality of the whole show down several notches.
11. SomeECards.com.
(NB: Previous item not to be construed as anything less than abject worship of Iron Man)
10. Which, by the way, Iron Man. Holy shit. How did it take this long to come up with a comic book movie this good? 100 kerosene cocktails to Marvel for making the damn thing themselves and showing up every studio in town doing it.
9. Swindle: Dunkin' donuts coffee/green tea comboing Anxiety/booster/killing rage/booster/hearing static that isn't there/booster/hands feeling like two balloons/fluoride and antioxidants
8. Holly: Dr. Tatiana's Sex Advice to All Creation. "Dear Dr. Tatiana: I think my boyfriend and I are ready to make love. But why is his penis covered with enormous spines? Signed, Concerned Bee In Buffalo." Neat trick: try reading this on the beach and see what manner of gentleman stops by your towel.
7. Swindle:The Absolutely True Diary of A Part-Time Indian The drawings make it. A half-white/half-Indian kid is depicted in it. In the white kid's hand? "New Gap Bag." In the indian kid's hand: "Plastic Bag filled with Crushing Reality"
6. Holly:RoboRaptors. "A Fusion Of Technology And Personality!"*
*SENTIENT DINOSAUR ROBOTS. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG. Brought to you by DARPA toys.
5. Swindle: 21. Quiz Bowl
4. Holly: 4. Point Break Live. There are several iterations of this show playing up and down the west coast right now. It is a moral imperative that all humanity exp
3. Swindle: 3.Private islands.
One big cable. One huge satellite connection. One freshwater source. One speargun. Ten cases Zybrowka vodka. Go.
It's a matter of time.
2. The Aqua Jump: A 25-foot floating trampoline that can be towed behind a boat.
1. Swindle: 1. The Thirty Years War. All other wars pay rent to the 30 years war, because it owns them lock, stock, and barrel. Over the course of the war, the population of the German states was reduced by about 30%; in the territory of Brandenburg, the losses had amounted to half, while in some areas an estimated two-thirds of the population died. Germanys male population was reduced by almost half. The population of the Czech lands declined by a third.
The Swedish armies alone destroyed 2,000 castles, 18,000 villages and 1,500 towns in Germany, one-third of all German towns. That's without guns. You know it was serious bidness, because even the goddamn Swedes were getting their Viking on.
It was triggered by "The Defenestration of Prague." Case. Closed.
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ive been to that rope swing. the bhote koshi is a sweet river to raft down.
by 2L over the line, sweet jesus on May 27, 2008 1:56 PM EDT reply actions
By “quiz bowl,” of course, Clay meant “University Challenge”
by Rich on May 27, 2008 2:15 PM EDT reply actions
O., number 25 is Maria! except take away the groovy ’60’s hair style and mascara and throw in the benefits of a UGA education, and, well, you know…
by sb on May 27, 2008 2:15 PM EDT reply actions
Keep your Magic Bullet…how about a kitchen appliance that can make a Chuck Norris Smoothie?
by JW on May 27, 2008 2:16 PM EDT reply actions
Every time I see an ad for the magic bullet I say the same thing: “who the hell eats ham salad?”
by Big Jon on May 27, 2008 2:23 PM EDT reply actions
Danger Mouse: so much action, so much funny, and the first time I realized Brits have steering wheels on the passenger side and drive on the wrong side of the road.
by Signal to Noise on May 27, 2008 2:28 PM EDT reply actions
That video fo the nepalese rope swing is the only youtube video I’ve ever seen that actually made my stomach drop. Wow.
by wooderson on May 27, 2008 2:31 PM EDT reply actions
Big Jon—
The question is “Who the hell DOESN’T eat ham salad?” It’s like salad, but with tasty cured dead pig instead of lettuce.
by Orson Swindle on May 27, 2008 2:32 PM EDT reply actions
Ham Salad…is for lunch.
by beauford @ theonlygamethatmatters on May 27, 2008 2:38 PM EDT reply actions
The Swedish Army was reknown for for its use of cannon and muskets during the 30 Years War. They had the lightest cannons available, which allowed them to transport the cannons all over the battlefield, something the Imperial forces were not able to do. Swedish infantry had the highest proportion of muskets to pikes of any army of the time.
by Rogers A on May 27, 2008 2:44 PM EDT reply actions
Danger Mouse – Paddington Bear – Count Duckula…the 12:00 – 12:30 – 1:00 lunch time delights during my childhood years.
Nickelodeon had to go abroad for cartoon talent in those days. Admittedly, I almost always napped during Paddington and woke up just in time for…
“in the heart of Transylvania – in the Vampire hall of Fame-ia – there’s not a vampire zany-ia than DUCKULA”
by Ryno on May 27, 2008 3:08 PM EDT reply actions
Damn Bohemians. That pile of manure sounds like a Hollywood setup.
by yoyofutbawl on May 27, 2008 3:31 PM EDT reply actions
Notable omission: any reference whatsoever to Schnellenberger. Schnell makes it into 45% of posts as is, but he rightfully belongs in the top 25 of anything/everything. Ever. Get on the stick, Orson.
by IdentityCrisis on May 27, 2008 3:40 PM EDT reply actions
3rd @ 15 – it’s an offseason list – boobs are #1 year round, surely?
by DC Trojan on May 27, 2008 4:12 PM EDT reply actions
That was the 2nd Defenestration of Prague, friend-o. Catholic clergy thrown out of windows saved only by a pile of horse shit – rewritten by the Church, of course, as the “mercy of angels”. And that was AFTER a trial.
I favor bringing defenestrations back as capital punishment, along with upside down naked crucifixions, as the philosopher Carlin once proposed.
by poguemahone on May 27, 2008 4:15 PM EDT reply actions
“Neat trick: try reading this on the beach and see what manner of gentleman stops by your towel.”
I said I was sorry about the sand I kicked on your feet.
by GamecockTony on May 27, 2008 4:35 PM EDT reply actions
I actually prefere the Magic Bullit Vibrator. Ever seen what that kitchen appliance thing does to a womans private area. Not pretty.
by shovel pass on May 27, 2008 4:56 PM EDT reply actions
First of all, the “Magic Bullet” ad must be dismissed out of hand, because the cheesy Brit (or whatever the hell he was) said expresso. Unacceptable.
Wasn’t the 30 Years War when Germans first became enamored of that funky New World import, the potato, since it was starchy, filling, and less likely to be lost to hordes of invasions back and forth burning grain crops to the ground?
by NCT on May 27, 2008 8:45 PM EDT reply actions
Naps? You fool, you’ve played right into Bobby Bowden’s hand!
by Dinknflicka on May 28, 2008 2:00 AM EDT reply actions
30 Years War – “Resolved” by the treaty of Westphalia. It’s called that because they couldn’t even decide on which city to sign the “agreement” – so in the spirit of compromise and division, each side signed it in two respective Protestant and Catholic cities of Westphalia -Osnabruk and Munster.
For real bloodshed with predominantly bladed weapons, try the 14-year long Taiping Rebellion in China in the mid 19th century. The best estimate is 20 million casualties, but it might be quite higher – like ten times that number. In one three day battle (Third Battle of Nanking), the death toll exceeded 100,000, or about half the total number of battle casualties of both the Union and the Confederacy from 1861-1865.
by Sullivan on May 28, 2008 8:16 AM EDT reply actions
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