Iowa. Sexual assault. You’ve got to be kidding. Really, you must. And Black Heart, Gold Pants just got their new outfit! You ruined it you bastards! Ruined it all!

IOWA CITY – The University of Iowa Police Department, in concert with the Iowa Division of Criminal Investigation, has obtained warrants for the arrest of Cedric D Everson III for Sexual Abuse in the Second Degree and Abeberell “Abe” Bradford Satterfield for Sexual Abuse in the Third Degree and Sexual Abuse in the Second Degree. The arrest warrants are for incidents that occurred on Oct. 14, 2007 on the UI campus in Iowa City, Iowa.


Ummm….

Everson and Satterfield both got the boot from the team, but according to the timeline of the investigation were both on the team when the incident occurred–meaning the six points (assuming they are charged with the crimes listed above respectively) would count if this occurred in the offseason.

This was, however, an in-season crime, and therefore not eligible for Fulmer Cup points. What is on, as far as awarding (or deducting) points: the handling of the entire situation. We understand that in any rape investigation there’s weighty issues of confidentiality and due process, but when the governor’s chiming in to critique your handling of the whole affair, it means:

a.) Your governor is a douchebag looking to distract the public from his own poor performance, or

b.) Your university was blocking any and all attempts on public scrutiny of the situation, resulting in newspapers suing for access to public records and the like.

We’ll go with b, though we’re sure Governor Chet Culver is, like eighty percent of people who want to be governor, a total smoking douchebag.

This ain’t good for Kirk Ferentz, who may have suffered the single greatest four-year coaching currency devaluation since Hal Mumme at Kentucky. In 2002 he was the Euro; he could be bought for a stack of qat and Somali shillings at this point.