FULMER CUPDATE: IOWA, BASTA!

by Orson on May 27, 2008 3:39 PM EDT

Iowa. Sexual assault. You've got to be kidding. Really, you must. And Black Heart, Gold Pants just got their new outfit! You ruined it you bastards! Ruined it all!

IOWA CITY - The University of Iowa Police Department, in concert with the Iowa Division of Criminal Investigation, has obtained warrants for the arrest of Cedric D Everson III for Sexual Abuse in the Second Degree and Abeberell "Abe" Bradford Satterfield for Sexual Abuse in the Third Degree and Sexual Abuse in the Second Degree. The arrest warrants are for incidents that occurred on Oct. 14, 2007 on the UI campus in Iowa City, Iowa.

Ummm....

Everson and Satterfield both got the boot from the team, but according to the timeline of the investigation were both on the team when the incident occurred--meaning the six points (assuming they are charged with the crimes listed above respectively) would count if this occurred in the offseason.

This was, however, an in-season crime, and therefore not eligible for Fulmer Cup points. What is on, as far as awarding (or deducting) points: the handling of the entire situation. We understand that in any rape investigation there's weighty issues of confidentiality and due process, but when the governor's chiming in to critique your handling of the whole affair, it means:

a.) Your governor is a douchebag looking to distract the public from his own poor performance, or

b.) Your university was blocking any and all attempts on public scrutiny of the situation, resulting in newspapers suing for access to public records and the like.

We'll go with b, though we're sure Governor Chet Culver is, like eighty percent of people who want to be governor, a total smoking douchebag.

This ain't good for Kirk Ferentz, who may have suffered the single greatest four-year coaching currency devaluation since Hal Mumme at Kentucky. In 2002 he was the Euro; he could be bought for a stack of qat and Somali shillings at this point.

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Abeberell?

(As I type this, one of those ads if for Iowa State ringtones. Pathetic AND humorous.)

by Innocent Bystander on May 27, 2008 4:12 PM EDT reply actions

…and the Georgia Tech fanbase gives a collective sigh of relief that Everson withdrew his commitment from GT.

by gosouthgohard on May 27, 2008 4:17 PM EDT reply actions

This is almost as big of a robbery as Florida’s faux offsides call during the 2005 Cap 1 Bowl. Iowa should be getting points here. Offseason, Inseason, who cares?

by RJ on May 27, 2008 4:23 PM EDT reply actions

Iowa St. Ringtones: So they’ll remember what their fight song sounds like.

by CincySooner on May 27, 2008 4:31 PM EDT reply actions

Too awesome: A delicious Iowa State ringtone ad is placed just at the end of the article.

Schadenfreude, thy name is Google Ads.

by Whohah on May 27, 2008 4:44 PM EDT reply actions

- Ditto. He verbaled to MSU a week before signing day, then signed with Iowa on the day itself.

by Ground0EastLansing on May 27, 2008 5:01 PM EDT reply actions

As a disgruntled Hawkeye, I am not surprised one bit with these developments. Maybe more bad press is what it will take for someone on the Hawkeye football staff to lose a job because the football program fading back to Big 10 mediocrity sure keeps them employed.

by Mac G on May 27, 2008 5:34 PM EDT reply actions

Uhhmmmmmuh, qat. Never forget the time 12 of us sent the LT downtown alone to exchange all of our dollars for Somali Riyals. It took four paper grocery bags to carry it all. Qat is about all you can buy with it.

Did the alleged rape(s) occur in the visitors locker room?

I’ve never even been to Iowa and I dispise them. I’m a ALABAMA fan for crap sake. One 5 riyal Jambuie right in the eye for them all. And a pig sticker, too.

by Not the Mama on May 27, 2008 7:08 PM EDT reply actions

I think Culver went to VA Tech. Most Hawk fans knew this was coming.

by JF4IA on May 27, 2008 7:16 PM EDT reply actions

ISU Ringtones: Iowa Ringtones
Suck: Blow

by Big Will on May 27, 2008 8:44 PM EDT reply actions

Iowa should only get partial credit. Have you ever been to Iowa City? Mere words cannot describe the boredom.

by WhiteSpeedReceiver on May 27, 2008 10:02 PM EDT reply actions

Culver’s a politician with all that goes with it. But in his defence, his response to winning the last election was to have the Rev. Al Green play in Iowa City as part of the inaugural celebration. Tickets were inexpensive, too. That night, at least, Iowa City was not boring.

As for Iowa athletes and sexual assault: I’ll bet Michigan fans are glad the bloom was off the Ferentz rose when they were looking for a coach this winter.

by Patrick on May 28, 2008 8:02 AM EDT reply actions