EDSBS LIVE: SACKED BY ILLNESS
Peter’s ill, so no EDSBS Live for tonight. A thousand apologies, but he’s our engineer, and without him doing the show would be like going for it on 4th and 8 against a blitzing Ram Vela.
May 27, 2008
FULMER CUPDATE: IOWA, BASTA!
Iowa. Sexual assault. You’ve got to be kidding. Really, you must. And Black Heart, Gold Pants just got their new outfit! You ruined it you bastards! Ruined it all!
IOWA CITY - The University of Iowa Police Department, in concert with the Iowa Division of Criminal Investigation, has obtained warrants for the arrest of Cedric D Everson III for Sexual Abuse in the Second Degree and Abeberell “Abe” Bradford Satterfield for Sexual Abuse in the Third Degree and Sexual Abuse in the Second Degree. The arrest warrants are for incidents that occurred on Oct. 14, 2007 on the UI campus in Iowa City, Iowa.
Ummm….
Everson and Satterfield both got the boot from the team, but according to the timeline of the investigation were both on the team when the incident occurred–meaning the six points (assuming they are charged with the crimes listed above respectively) would count if this occurred in the offseason.
This was, however, an in-season crime, and therefore not eligible for Fulmer Cup points. What is on, as far as awarding (or deducting) points: the handling of the entire situation. We understand that in any rape investigation there’s weighty issues of confidentiality and due process, but when the governor’s chiming in to critique your handling of the whole affair, it means:
a.) Your governor is a douchebag looking to distract the public from his own poor performance, or
b.) Your university was blocking any and all attempts on public scrutiny of the situation, resulting in newspapers suing for access to public records and the like.
We’ll go with b, though we’re sure Governor Chet Culver is, like eighty percent of people who want to be governor, a total smoking douchebag.
This ain’t good for Kirk Ferentz, who may have suffered the single greatest four-year coaching currency devaluation since Hal Mumme at Kentucky. In 2002 he was the Euro; he could be bought for a stack of qat and Somali shillings at this point.
THE OFFSEASON TOP 25, PART THE SECOND
The offseason top 25 has nothing to do with football. You might read it anyway.
25. Italian starlet Edwidge Fenech. She’s particularly stunning when set to dreamy Italian quaalude music. Fact: if you should fall in doomed love with an elusive but alluring younger woman, music like this starts playing spontaneously, but only if you happen to be in Europe.
Correction: only if you are in Western Europe. In eastern Europe the song “Cherokee” by (natch) Europe will begin playing.
24. Rope swings.
If you’re not in traction, you’re just not trying. (Nepal laughs at your puny American rope swings! And safety regulations!) (more…)
COUNTDOWN: 93 DAYS
Dost thou not suspect my place? dost thou not suspect my years? O that he were here to write me down an ass! But, masters, remember that I am an ass; though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass. No, thou villain, thou art full of piety, as shall be proved upon thee by good witness. I am a wise fellow, and, which is more, an officer,and, which is more, a householder, and, which is more, as pretty a piece of flesh as any is in Messina, and one that knows the law, go to; and a rich fellow enough, go to; and a fellow that hath had losses, and one that hath two gowns and every thing handsome about him. Bring him away. O that
I had been writ down an ass!
OUR POLL SUCKS: WE FORGOT ABOUT TEXAS.
In our Sporting News column this week, we forgot about Texas, which is okay because the poll’s supposed to be a prime example of how NOT to put your poll together, something most commenters seemed to grok. In apology, though, we offer five of the finest songs about Texas ever written. We messed with you, Texas–lo siento. We blame our mock top 25, which sucks just as much as anyone else’s.
Waylon Jennings: “Luckenbach, Texas.”
WE COULD ALSO GIVE THEM JELLY SHOES AND RIBBONS
I say! That schedule is positively brutal!John Adams from the Knoxville News Sentinel played an important role in the founding of our country, and we thank him for that. (Mad daps to you from us for your refusal to pay bribes to Talleyrand in the XYZ affair; “filth in silk stockings,” indeed!) He also moonlights in the afterlife by writing columns on Tennessee football. While we appreciate the statesman’s right to do anything he likes in his now two-centuries-long retirement, we humbly suggest he is the one wearing silk stocking in most ladylike fashion, as he’s suggesting the SEC change its traditional scheduling because it’s “hard.”
In UT’s dreadful 5-6 season of 2005, you could fill a book with all that went wrong.
One chapter should include the schedule, which included road games at LSU, Florida and Alabama. UT was fortunate to win one of those games.
The SEC is supposed to be tough. It doesn’t have to be that tough.
And in that span of impossible scheduling, the SEC has won two BCS titles (”THREE!” says an Auburn fan from a plush bunker in Southern Alabama), reaped the largest profits of any conference in the nation, posted an impressive mark in bowl games, handily held up its end of a fat television partnership with CBS, and launched its own space program. (See: Ohio State, successfully shot into space twice.) Adams’ sole rationale for even proposing a changed schedule is that Tennessee hasn’t performed well in the 21st century, even though they made the conference title game last year. (?)
Adams clearly is onto something here, since even conservative schedulers like Georgia and Florida are putting babies like, er…Arizona State and Miami back on the schedule? We must respectfully disagree with our founding father here, since the move in the SEC seems to be not toward mitigating the bearish schedules, but diving facefirst into the woodchipper. If you don’t make it, the results are swift and gory; but jam the machine up with your well-hardened skull and you’ll sail though just fine. Tennessee doesn’t need an easier schedule: it needs more Eric Berrys on both sides of the ball, and you know, if you rob a government lab or two, you’re sure to find them. (Hint: look under the “Universal Soldier” tab under “Berry, Unstoppable Badass.”)
Why does John Adams fear competition? WHY DOES HE HATE AMERICA WHEN HE HELPED BUILD IT?
(PS. Under his plan, Auburn/UGA would cease to be a yearly matchup. See? He does hate America.)
CURIOUS INDEX, 5/27/08
 |
||
|
Ivan Maisel earns the blue ribbon for mainstream feature friskiness with his piece following Mark Richt, Tommy Tuberville, Charlie Weis, Randy Shannon, and Jack Siedliecki around the Middle East on a tour of military bases and ships in the region. Much interaction with troops and snapshot scans included, but also the requisite yukstering you would pretend to be too cool to enjoy if you were indeed too cool–which fortunately you aren’t. A few hours later, as the same bus brought the coaches to the field, someone announced that a coach needed to volunteer to serve as referee. Weis snapped it up. “I’m going to screw the SEC,” Weis said, looking for a reaction. “It wouldn’t be the first time,” Tuberville shot back. Tommy Tuberville also tells George Bush to get rid of some of his White House stuff because his wife won’t let him keep all of it. You fry fish for a living as an adult, you learn to fear nothing, sir–not even the lofty peaks of American power intimidate Chopalong Cassidy. The same cannot be said for meeting kids “who look about the age of the kids we’re coaching;” that bit seemed to genuinely affect him. Mike Leach, art aficionado. Mike Leach has spent the offseason getting an imitation Van Gogh painted of himself and pondering the other beauties of the art world. If this shocks you, please never read this blog again. LeRoy Neiman does great art of sporting events, said Leach, the Texas Tech head coach. Leach also is a fan of the late Jackson Pollock, although the coach feels the painter sometimes went “a little too far.” “I’d like it more toward Van Gogh, you know?” Leach said. “If Van Gogh were to paint a football game, to me that would be kind of interesting.” For us, Mike Leach always conjures up the image of Christopher Plummer as the Duke of Wellington in Waterloo:staring down at the field of battle, wine glass in hand, toasting his compatriots with “TO TODAY’S FOX, GENTLEMEN!” If he had a beard, it would have had more adventures than most men have in their whole lives. (Mike Leach reminds you to stay thirsty, my friends.) Five years? That’s all we’ve got? Being knocked around: the concept of giving all players five years to graduate, thus easing academic pressure, easing the noose of the APR a bit, and also adjusting scholarship terms to adjust to the actual amount of time it takes students not leg-pressing 700 pounds and learning playbooks to finish a degree. Requisite Bowie reference means requisite Bowie video included. UCLA’s not dumb. Rick Neuheisel’s contract included a number of clauses constructed to protect the university against, um, certain…things that have happened at certain universities where Neuheisel coached. For example: The contract also includes safeguards for the university. Neuheisel will not be eligible for performance bonuses if the program is put on NCAA probation and must return previous bonuses if the team is “subsequently sanctioned for NCAA violations in which coach was directly involved, that coach facilitated, condoned, or ignored about coach knew or reasonably should have known.” It’s not as harsh or as giving as it looks, but that is deceptive. The deal included a $1.5 million home loan, but in Los Angeles that buys you a closet and a half–hardly big enough to run the adult film studio of your dreams out of, really. Bill reminds us that it’s Seersucker Time. Frankly, down hyah, it’s always seersucker time, best worn when strolling the veranda with a bourbon in hand. This works really well if you go to any one of our fine historical homes built by slave labor and just sit on the porch: tourists and guides will assume you’re part of the show, and you can just make shit up all day. (”Ah am the proprietah of this hyah ham fahm, where we grew the saltiest and finest hams what sprung straight from tha ground, all cured and ready for the oven!”) |
||
 |
||
Loading ...
