CURIOUS INDEX, 5/23/08
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Boston College has “permanently dismissed” lineman Brady Smith from the team, though there’s some good news: rather than being charged with rape, he pleaded to indecent assault and battery. This is good, because for future dating he’ll be able to put “convicted of indecent assault and battery” on his Match.com profile. They don’t have a box for “rape”, and my, wouldn’t that be a pickle of an explanation to give on the first date! In case you wondered how Jamar Hornsby got his hand on a dead woman’s credit card, well, here’s one explanation. Les Miles promises LSU will, indeed, have a quarterback on the field when the season starts. We make fun of people in two ways: mean spicy, and affectionate-tangy. Miles, we fear, is moving over into the affectionate-tangy, since over the course of his tenure he’s only grown on us more and more. The oddball press conference at the SEC championship game (”HAVE A GREAT. DAY.”), the breezy rapport with the local press, the endlessly insane/ballsy fourth down calls, the fake kicks and punts…Les appears to have forgotten anyone’s watching what he does, and that will do it for us anytime. We once saw a guy on a toll road in Chicago working the booth. Pulling up to the toll booth, he had the door open despite it being around fifty degrees, and was wearing his toll booth worker’s uniform open to mid-clavicle. He appeared to be in his mid-thirties. A stereo set up in the booth was BLASTING Foreigner’s “Blue Morning, Blue Day,” and he was doing a dance best described as “The Teamster Stomp” in the booth, a kind of high-kneed two-step stomp with accompanying fist pumps. The radio probably cranked about sixty decibels, but he could clearly be heard bellowing out-of-tune accompaniment to Lou Gramm’s vocals. This is precisely what we imagine the inside of Les Miles’ head to look like: a toll booth full of rock. It is difficult not to like. Drew Weatherford has recovered from arthroscopic knee surgery, a real accomplishment for people his age. SMQ shows that Mississippi State’s 7-5 season last year was more anomalous than one might initially think. |
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1
Last Dragon says:
Damn I hate LSU. But I have to agree with you on Miles. His bizarreness makes him entertaining as hell.
Is it just me – or does it seem like Weatherford has been at FSU for 7 years?
May 23rd, 2008 at 8:48 am
2
CincySooner says:
Les Miles: the poor man’s Mike Leech.
May 23rd, 2008 at 8:53 am
3
Carlinthemarlin says:
Fifty degrees is practically shorts weather in some parts of the country, Orson. I myself find this 75 degree weather we have going on in Nebraska right now to be a bit stuffy.
May 23rd, 2008 at 8:53 am
4
Sullivan says:
In the absence of any other tangible reasons for MSU’s season, how about an intangible? How about the work of Sly Croom, SEC Coach of the year for 2007?
Since the voting is by the league’s coaches, you can be sure it was well researched, objective and above all, valid.
May 23rd, 2008 at 8:56 am
5
Erdinger says:
no mention of Weekend at JoePa’s push for a playoff?
May 23rd, 2008 at 9:04 am
6
Joshua says:
A toll booth full of rock. Fucking. Awesome.
May 23rd, 2008 at 9:06 am
7
sb says:
I understand your rationale re: lesmiles…I just get the impression he’s more like the vehicle for some guy climbing through a ventilation duct and seeing through Miles’ eyes…you know…peering out under the brim of an oversized ballcap, seeing people look at you like you’re nuts, then getting dumped along I-10 right next to an exit ramp…kind of a “Being Lesmiles”…Malkovich-esque situation.
May 23rd, 2008 at 9:13 am
8
Doug says:
I imagine the powwow around Les Miles’s office over the past few weeks went something like this:
HC MILES: Damn, with Perrilloux gone our QB situation really blows. Do we have to have a quarterback at all?
OC CROWTON: Uh — come again, sir?
MILES: You know, could we do that thing Arkansas did last year, with the running back under center taking straight snaps and whatnot? They fucking killed us with that stuff.
CROWTON: Well, now that you mention it, I suppose we could start working some of those plays into the mix –
MILES: Fan-fuckin’-tastic. Who was that Arkansas kid who did all that stuff last year? McFerrin? McFadden? Get someone to call McFadden and see if he wants to transfer.
CROWTON: Uh, sir, McFadden isn’t at Arkansas anymore –
MILES: Are you fucking kiddin’ me? Someone’s already gotten to him? It wasn’t Saban, was it? God help me, if it was Saban, I’m gonna drive on up to Tuscaloosa with an AR-15 and just start blasting away at the entire team, every last mother’s son –
CROWTON: No, no, he’s not even in college anymore.
MILES: Are you daft, Mr. Crowton?
CROWTON: No, Darren McFadden declared early for the draft. Taken on the first day. By the Raiders, fourth overall pick, if memory serves.
MILES: Oh. Huh.
(excruciatingly awkward pause)
MILES: All right, then I guess we gotta have a fuckin’ quarterback after all, then. Probably every fuckin’ formation, too. Great! Wonderful! GRAND!
May 23rd, 2008 at 9:17 am
9
ThreenOut says:
8… probably not far from the truth. at all.
May 23rd, 2008 at 9:25 am
10
Out of Conference says:
Doug – that was pretty damn good.
I still can’t believe MSU was 7-5 last year and we weren’t. Man, the season was looking top shelf good until the Vandy game….
May 23rd, 2008 at 9:27 am
11
gerry dorsey says:
on top of everything else, jamar hornsby walks with a goose step?? the icing on the asshole cake apparently.
May 23rd, 2008 at 9:27 am
12
sonofsamford says:
Love the Malkovich angle. Perhaps Les’s hat hides a football-loving nutria who controls him by pulling on his hair.
May 23rd, 2008 at 9:28 am
13
Allahver Fist says:
#8, Doug
+100 Daiquiris
May 23rd, 2008 at 9:36 am
14
hailstate says:
8-5, BITCHES. 8-5.
May 23rd, 2008 at 9:36 am
15
Bagger Douche says:
“I’m Les Miles and my social security number is 457-55-5462.”
May 23rd, 2008 at 9:37 am
16
Crabapple Buck says:
#8 Doug
That was spot on. I’m putting on a hat just to tip it to you.
May 23rd, 2008 at 9:41 am
17
DC Trojan says:
sonofsamford @ 12 – that would explain why you can hear a faint voice saying “left, right, left, right, left, right” from under the hat when Miles walks across campus.
May 23rd, 2008 at 9:45 am
18
Joshua says:
The Hat can’t hear you over the sound of 3+ million dollars he makes. Shit, I don’t think he hears any of us. During the game, the headset probably doesn’t have the asst. coaches on it, it’s probably playing Steve Miller or the aforementioned Journey.
May 23rd, 2008 at 9:49 am
19
Allahver Fist says:
Les Miles uses his hat to steal signals from XM.
May 23rd, 2008 at 9:52 am
20
Chris Weinke says:
“Drew Weatherford has recovered from arthroscopic knee surgery, a real accomplishment for people his age.”
Not funny.
May 23rd, 2008 at 9:57 am
21
Joshua says:
Miles doesn’t walk across campus. He gets around in a garish purple & gold Tardis.
May 23rd, 2008 at 10:01 am
22
Bagger Douche says:
“Nutria are herbivores and feed particularly on wetland plants. Nutria have caused extensive damage to Louisiana coastal wetlands and the mental health of LSU fans due to their feeding activity and tendency to go for it on 4th down.”
Interesting.
May 23rd, 2008 at 10:06 am
23
the croominator says:
How do you know it’s a Tardis? Do they have purple and gold police boxes around the LSU campus?
Man, a football match between the Daleks and the Sontarans would be something to see! Of course, they’d kill you immediately after, but boy, what a game, huh?
May 23rd, 2008 at 10:07 am
24
sonofsamford says:
Seeing that National Lampoon logo on the cartoon reminded me that a DVD with scans of the complete run of the magazine from 1970 on is now available for less than the cost of a Wii game. The writing in the first half of the 1970s is nothing short of amazing and the cigarette ads from that era are awesome.
May 23rd, 2008 at 10:09 am
25
jakldawg says:
As long as our anomalies come with bowl invites, we’ll take it.
May 23rd, 2008 at 10:13 am
26
gerry dorsey says:
@ jakldawg,
bowl invites grow on trees brother.
sincerely,
bama fan
May 23rd, 2008 at 10:18 am
27
Texas_Dawg says:
Hornsby video: really stupid.
Toll booth full of rock and Les Miles: awesome.
Starting two freshmen at DT in the SEC, having the same crew of highly suspect CBs as last year, and hoping that more true freshmen can help out at safety: good times.
May 23rd, 2008 at 11:20 am
28
NewAZTiger says:
#2: Mike Leach: The Poor Conference’s Les Miles.
May 23rd, 2008 at 11:33 am
29
WarCardinals says:
That was the dumbest video I’ve ever seen.
May 23rd, 2008 at 11:35 am
30
Excuse me Stewardess, but I speak jive says:
Dee-lux, Doug. Dee-lux.
May 23rd, 2008 at 11:46 am
31
CincySooner says:
#28 fair enough…. but you have to acknowledge the fact that Mike Leech wrote the book on quirkiness and lunacy in college football coaching.
pioneers never get their due.
May 23rd, 2008 at 1:10 pm
32
Year2-Dave says:
As coach of LSU, he should have a cajun version of his name. Something like “Thibodeaux LeSmiles.”
May 23rd, 2008 at 2:32 pm
33
Bill Lumbergh says:
The tollbooth of rock is the best possible explanation of lesticles I’ve heard to date
May 23rd, 2008 at 5:31 pm